Wednesday, September 27, 2006

The Mile High Club

A friend of mine and his girlfriend are going on a vacation to Europe in a couple of weeks. He turned to me for some advice. He wanted to know how they could join the mile-high club. I am a card carrying member and he figured maybe I could offer him some tips. I was happy to oblige.

First though, I gotta get a little rant off my chest. Why is it the Mile-High Club?? It isnt like we are doing it in Denver or something. It is on a plane during mid-flight. I think most airlines cruising altitude is between 25,000 and 30,000 feet. That would put it between 5 and 6 miles. Whoever came up with that name is a moron.

Anyway, lets get to the nitty gritty. I am a multiple member of the Mile-High Club. Two times I have done the deed on an airplane. Three times if you include oral sex!!! :)

The first time was coming back from Vegas flying into Dallas. My girl and I were on a late-night redeye. We left Vegas around 11:30. The flight was only a quarter full, if that. There were probably 150 seats and only about 40 passengers. Everyone spread out. We got near the back and had a row of seats to ourselves. We could spread out and rest. Problem was, my girl was a little horny. She started putting her hand in my pants and playing around. So I asked for a blanket, and we used our jackets and she got down there and gave me a tremendous blow-job. Anytime a stewardess or someone would walk down the aisle, I would tap her and she would peak her head out and pretend to be asleep on my lap. After she was done, I put my fingers to work and got her off. It was a pretty satisfying flight for both of us. I still have no clue why we didnt think of going to the bathroom and doing it in there. Oh Well!!!!

The second time was with some girl I had just met. I was traveling around SE Asia for a couple months and had met a girl from the states in Thailand a week before I was to leave. IT must have been a small world cause we found out we were on the same flight back to L.A. We spent that last week together in Thailand, seeing the sights, drinking and partying. But we never had sex while we were there. We made out, messed around a little, but that was it.

We get on the flight and our seats are pretty far apart. I talk a guy into switching with her so we could sit together and the flight wouldnt be so boring. We talked and talked on the flight from Thailand to Singapore. Then we had a layover and we got on our flight from Singapore to LA. It was one of those all night flights. We got into LA around 8 AM, so it was dark and quiet on the flight. Most people fell asleep soon after take off. It was one of those huge 747 planes and we were near the back. There were like 4 or 5 bathrooms in the back.

I was shocked when she asked me if I wanted to join the Mile High Club. Just like that, out of the blue. She said that was something she wanted to do and thought I was a cool guy (See, people think I am cool!!!!) Of course I said Hell Yeah

So she went back to the bathroom first and I watched to see which one she got in. I waited a few minutes, went back and gave a secret knock. Got in there and we went to work. First off, those bathrooms are tiny. You can really only do 3 positions and we did them all. I sat on the toilet and she sat on me, she stood and leaned on the sink and I did her, then she stood and I did her from behind. There isnt a lot of room to move. We did it in about 7 minutes, the longer we took, the more suspicious it would look that both of us were gone from our seat. She snuck out first, then I left a few minutes later. We got back to the seats and surveyed the damage. A couple scrapes and bruises, and I had a sore back, but that was it. Not bad!!!!! Not comfortable either, but not bad!!!!

A Postscript to this part of the story: When we got to LA, we had a short layover before her flight to Idaho and my flight to Austin. I wanted to get her number, but she would only give me her email. I kept pressing for it and she finally confessed that she was engaged!!!! UNBELIEVABLE!!!! The wedding was in less than a month. I actually felt a little used!!! That feeling lasted for a few minutes than it disappeared. I did talk to her a couple of times and we email from time to time. I wish her the best!!!

The last time I did the Mile High Club was a few years ago flying from Chicago to Mexico City. I was flying with a girl who was going to visit her cousins and grandparents in Mexico. I was going to take a little vacation. You could say we wereFuck-Buddies We would get together every once in a while and just have wild, kinky sex. It was great. Anyway, it was much the same as the first sex episode. We snuck back to the bathrooms and did it. This time, we went a little long and took about 10 or 12 minutes. I went out first and a stewardess was there, outside the door. She just smiled and winked. Then said You know the back couple of rows could hear you two slamming against the door and I think I heard a scream. I was frickin Embarrassed!! I went back to the seat and the people sitting across the aisle from us were just smiling and chuckling. Teresa came a minute or two later and the first thing she said was I think everyone knows!!! It was so embarrassing, but now, it is hilarious as hell. I still talk to Teresa and we always reminisce about that episode.

So, finally, my advice for joining the Mile-High Club
1. Sit near the back of the plane
2. Wait until you are sure no one is back there in the bathrooms or waiting for them.
3. Go a few minutes apart.
4. Do it, and get out of there. 5 minutes is an ideal amount of time. Longer and you risk suspicion.
5. Remember, it is close quarters. The two times I did it in the lavoratory, I walked away with bruises and scrapes.
6. Exit separately, and if someone is waiting, tell them you were helping your kid in the bathroom and they are still in there. Hopefully, the other stall will open up before your chica comes out and they can use that one.
7. If you get caught, so what!!! Last I knew, there was no law against having sex in the bathroom of an airplane. ENJOY!!!

GOOD LUCK ROD!!! Hope you two get inducted.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

What I Love About Women

When it comes to the subject of women, one of the best things I ever heard said on the subject was "I love 'em all. Every goddamned one of 'em." I couldnt agree more. Let's face it; at a very fundamental level, I've been in love with every beautiful woman I've ever met. It's a difficult task to try and elucidate all that I love about women, but I feel that I must give some kind of an explanation, if for no other reason than so you understand why I cannot resist my compunction to run game on every hot girl I meet. So, here's my list.

The way women can make me laugh at goofy ass jokes I would physically abuse one of my guy friends for telling.

Bottom lip biting.

Boy shorts, belly button rings and French manicures.

Bath & Body Works Warm Vanilla Sugar. Like a hormonal bloodhound, I can pick this smell out from a hundred yards, and I cannot explain to you how on board I am with making women smell like dessert.

This piece of body language: You catch a girl you dont know looking at you and she looks straight down before looking away. Translation: You're in.

Girls with Southern accents and their ability to make the simple act of holding a longneck beer on a nice spring day pretty much the hottest thing ever.

How the really hot ones make me forget I have an exceptional vocabulary. A beautiful woman acts upon my brain's language center much the way Godzilla acts upon Tokyo. There is a lot of panic and screaming in a language no one understands, and suddenly the whole place is a smoldering ruin.

Their laughter and how it provokes my non-stop efforts to obtain it.

Internal logic that is utterly incomprehensible to men.

Their ability to make me let my guard down. The right woman can blow a hole a mile wide in my stoicism and I will simultaneously resent, be in awe of and love her for it.

The curve of a hip. Oh, I know most guys are ass men or breast men or whatnot, but something about that sinuous curve of a woman's hip throws me into my most primordial mode of thinking. The current trend of ridiculously low-rise jeans that expose the hips could well be proof that God's not mad at me anymore.

Women make the best friends, because it's like you can talk to them and stuff and then they, like... listen.

That ability women possess to convey five paragraphs of information with a single look.

Inside jokes. Sure, men have inside jokes with their drinking buddies. But something about inside jokes with women is so much more gratifying. It's as though, in some small way, you have managed to decode a tiny bit of that incomprehensible internal logic and dialed directly into her sense of humor.

Self-conscious blushing. Sometimes this is related to an inside joke, but more frequently, it is simply a by-product of the differing ways men and women communicate. Women are subtle, nuanced. Men are direct, and it's usually a direct comment from us that produces a self-conscious blush from them.

Everyone here knows it. Pussy has to be on the list. It just has to be.

Alright, fine. Blowjobs can come along, too.

The way women can, with no effort at all, either inspire or stop violence.

How, in the end, my type doesn't really matter. We all know I like my women Southern and blonde or Latina and Brunette, just as we all know that my head has snapped around on many a redhead. There is no telling who I'll find attractive on a day to day basis, and that's what makes women wonderful as a group; every one is an adventure. I really find all types of women attractive

Women make me cooler than the other side of the pillow. Without women in my life, I wouldn't know how to dress, how to behave or which celebrities are screwing this week.

How, despite their best efforts, they can't make me stop believing, at some deep-down level, in the concept of love.

Lip gloss. Lipstick is alright, I guess, but I have a strong predilection towards lip gloss. Lips that shiny and full scream "kiss me", and there is no way in hell I am going to disobey.

Her bathroom. I am a visitor in a strange land the moment I set foot inside a woman's bathroom. There is approximately $15,000 worth of product in there whose purposes cannot be readily surmised by the average heterosexual male. None the less, I know it all helps her look and smell the way she does, which makes my happy place tingly.

Her moods. As indecipherable as the tides, and every bit as intriguing, it is incumbent upon men to stay one step ahead of a woman's moods. We fail miserably at this task, and really... we're sort of okay with that.

Their recognition that, at many levels, we're really not ever going to grow up, and really... they're sort of okay with that.

I could do this all day, but now it is y'all's turn (and yes, thats the correct usage of the plural possessive of y'all). I didn't even scratch the surface of everything there is to love about women, so talk amongst yourselves about anything I overlooked. No misogynistic bullshit, guys. We're saving that for a whole 'nother blog.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Screw Jello Shots. Bring me some Gummy Bears!!

I went to a few parties last weekend in Austin. It was pretty much the typical college party scene. It really hasn't changed much since I graduated. But I did discover something new. On Friday night, I was at a party that had gummy bears and other stuff . I found out Jello shots are starting to fade away. "Jello shots are fun, but it's a process to make them AND another process to eat them. They get all messy, leave your hands sticky, and they are just a paini in the ass" I was told by some young party goer. So that is how I discovered an alternative to those slippery, fruity drunk-makers. Gummy candy soaked in vodka, or everclear.

This party had gummy worms soaked in vodka. Then, they brought out some gummy bears soaked in everclear. Those little guys pack a serious alcohol punch but they're sweet and easy going down.

Saturday morning, we found some gummy bears at the house we were staying at. So I decided to give it whirl myself. I filled up a plastic container with enough vodka to submerge them. Then I just let it sit for about 10 hours. The bears went from small and hard to bloated and gushy is no time. They soaked up all the liquid nicely so nothing was wasted. They were perfect to take to the football game. No alcohol allowed, but they would never make us trash gummy bears. We filled up a few bags full of them and it worked. We were the hit of our section!! They are so addicting. People at the game were getting buzzed off of nothing but gummy bears.

These things make a great party starter. I highly recommend bringing booze soaked gummies to the next party you attend. And anytime you need to sneak some booze in somewhere, like a football game, movie theater, a boring college course on a Friday afternoon, bring some of these. They are guaranteed to get you started.

Beer Goggles


This was somebody from one of the parties this weekend (At least I think so. My buddy E sent it with our Austin Pics).

Anyway, I need a pair of those. I MEAN THE GLASSES!!!!

Friday, September 8, 2006

Top Ten Worst Porn Titles

I have been sifting through things that I had posted on my previous website, trying to decide what I should post here and what I should just get rid of. I found this gem! A friend had emailed me a list of the worst porn movie titles in history. He claimed that they were the title of real movies (Probably very low budget with ugly drug addicted skanks filming them to make a buck for their next hit). I did some checking around ( mostly with some of my sick perverted friends) and they could verify that several of them were indeed real movies. I got this email about 7 years ago, so I do not remember which ones they claim are real. although I think #1,2, and 10 were for sure real. You may have seen this list. Anyway, they have some nasty ones.

Top ten worst porn titles

1. Crack Whores of America

Nothing has been left to the imagination here; what you see is exactly what you get - freebasing hookers from the USA. Apparently, one of the stars is a toothless, smelly tramp of a junkie who gets jiggy with many of the leading ladies. I'm not sure if there is a market out there for this kind of thing but I've heard of everything now.

2. Dude, where's my dildo?

I had the fear that this was something I would do well to avoid due to the suggestive title but I couldn't help but wonder if it really was...or if it wasn't? After much searching on Google, it was apparent that it wasn't what I thought it was. It was lesbian porn. Question - do any lesbians refer to each other as "dude"? That's really fucking bugging me now.

3. Ultra Kinky ..79 - Bowlin' in her Colon

While it may have a witty edge to it's title, it really did make me spew my guts all over the keyboard. That really is one of the sickest titles I have ever heard of in my life. I would say it was the sickest but I'd be lying. This is the sickest...

4. Dead Men Don't Wear Rubbers

Enough said. Moving on...

5. Let's play Anal Twister

I wonder if someone has actually suggested this to Ann Summers / Victoria's Secret. You can imagine this sitting happily amongst some kinky lover's bedroom paraphernalia. Not really the sort of game your bring out at Christmas to play with the family but a very interesting game nonetheless.

6. The fat, the bald and the ugly

At last. Porn that has some dignity. Fuck Hollywood rip offs and tacky plot outlines. You just need some balding greaseball to get you off. Hell, it would probably a lot more erotic than this badass motherfucker. Too bad this title is already taken now. What will Ron Jeremy do in about 15 years. He already is fat and ugly.

7. Airtight Granny

Right, I just spewed in my mouth and killed myself in the process. That is wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong. This is not MILF...this is GILF. Is that a recognised acronym? It should be...and it should be avoided like the plague.

8. Willie Wanker and the Fudge Packing Factory

Someone please enlighten me as to whether or not it was this particular movie that was responsible for Oompa Loompa porn. I really need to know. Man, that title really is the funniest thing ever. Even if you don't like porn, you should buy a copy. It would make charming conversation at your next soiree.

9. Big, brown, bomb BOO-YOW booty, Brazilian bitches.

Someone, somewhere has a database of porn and on this database, there are all the usual categories. Asian, Lesbian, Group, Bondage, Airtight Grannies, Oompa Loompa etc. but I have the distinct feeling that the above title is not listed on said database. Does anyone else get the impression that people are just making shit up as they go along?

10. Shaving Ryan's Privates

Call it a hunch, but this is more than likely gay porn about a bunch of guys who shave each others nether regions. Just call it a hunch. Rest assured, I'll be avoiding this one just as much as the others and if it wasn't for the titles, I'd demand they all get burned at the stake.

I hope you enjoyed yourselves.

PS: Please make some comments or add any movies you know of to the list.

Wednesday, September 6, 2006

Strippers



I was watching one of those primetime news shows last night. I think it was Dateline, but who really cares. They are all the same anyway. The show was about Sex, one of my favorite topics. They talked about swingers, strippers, and Asexuals (People who do not ever have sex. They dont want to. Strange group of people.)

Anyway, I came away with several interesting takes on the show and their topics.

Swingers: The Swingers they interviewed were some nasty swingers. I mean butt ugly!!! I have no idea who would swing with them, except for maybe another ugly swinging couple. I have been to some sex clubs that cater to swingers, and I have to admit that many of the people that were in these clubs were fairly decent looking. They picked the ugliest ones to interview. Could it be they want to discourage this type of behavior, so they portray swingers are ugly people? I have no idea.

Strippers: This was one segment I was very interested in. I have dated a few strippers, have friends who are strippers, and I have been known to go to a strip club every now and then. I actually think they did a pretty good job in their portrayal of strippers.

They did mention that strippers can make up to $2000 a week. I can vouch that number is pretty close to the truth. I dated a girl in Austin that was a college student by day, dancer at night. She brought home around $200 on a slow night, and $400 on weekends. I would say she averaged close to $1500 a week, and that was a 5 night work week. I know of a girl who also stripped in Austin, then Dallas and made comparable cash. She moved to Vegas and started stripping out there. She told me she makes between $2000 and $3000 a week. Depends on the times and where she is dancing at. One night, she had a guy spend $3500 on her in one night. And it wasnt for sex!!! Just dancing and companionship. DAMN!!!

So, this got me to thinking. If I were a woman, had a hot body, and had some rhythm, I think I would definitely become a stripper. Shit, you can make over $100,000 a year dancing. WOW!!!! It takes me like three years to earn that teaching. I would save most of it, invest it, and then retire at the age of 35. I think it would be awesome being a stripper. It would be like going to a club everynight and dancing, except you get paid for it AND you get to pick the music you dance to. Add in all the free drinks guys buy you and you are set!!! Come to think of it, if anyone wants to pay me some $$$ for a lap dance, I will give you one. You can even touch me if you want!!

I really dont see the harm in stripping. Society has made it out to be such a bad thing. They chastise the woman who strip and make them out to be evil. You know where the problem lies? Not with the women. They are supplying a service. It is the men!!! (I cant believe I am saying this) Stripping is pure and simple economics. The law of supply and demand. You take away the demand and the suppliers disappear. Imagine if the world gets so crazy and dangerous that no one wants to travel anywhere for fear of being blown to bits. The demand for travel agents disappears, so the travel agencies close. Same would happen with strippers. If guys would stop wanting to see hot women dancing naked in front of them, then there would be no strippers. Of course, this will never happen, since men by nature are some of the horniest creatures on earth.

So all of these feminists who are against strippers should turn the anger towards us men. Let us have it!! Hit us with your best shot. I guarantee you, it wont do any good. But you can try. Unless all men get castrated or they invent some kind of drug to take away our libido, strip clubs are here to stay.

And we havent even touched on prostitution yet, but that can wait till a future blog.

What do you all think? For it, against it? Who out there would strip if they could do it? Maybe some of you already are.

Friday, September 1, 2006

Good News!!! I will be around for a long time

I was reading Men's Health online (Why? I still have no idea!!!) There was an article about living longer and they referred to the November 2005 issue of Men's Health. According to them: "Researchers discovered that men who ejaculated frequently between the ages of 20 and 50 were at markedly lower risk of developing prostate cancer. [Also,] Men in their 20s who ejaculated at least five times a week were one-third less likely to develop aggressive prostate cancer during their mature years."

Whew!! No prostrate cancer for me. I guess I may have a shot to live to at least 120 years old!!! I just hope I am having sex into my 100's. They way things are going now, there will be some super viagra around by that time!!!