HI!! Sorry I have been out of touch. I had to get away and so we all went to LA for a week. Nice city, great beaches! I had been in LA in January for the Rose Bowl. HOOK EM HORNS!!! But I was only there for 2 days and didnt see much.
I did get pissed off the second day there. I am driving on the freeway and there is alot of traffic, but it is in the right two lanes since they are merging with another freeway. So I am cruising along at about 65 to 70 MPH in the fast lane, when all of a sudden, I come upon a car going 55 max. In the fast lane!!! WTF!!! This is LA!! Everyone knows you go with the flow of traffic. Cops arent going to give you a speeding ticket if everyone is going the same speed.
Then I notice the driver is an idiot. I get up on the car and it is a porsche 911. COME ON!!! If you have that car, you drive it fast and furious. No one was in front of him for at least half a mile. You don't buy a Porsche to go the speed limit.
Then, about 15 minutes later, the same thing happens, but with a Ferrari. One of those testarosas that Sonny drove on Miami Vice!! There is a whole line of cars trying to pass him. Note How absurd that sounds: A line of cars trying to PASS A FERRARI!!!!! WTF Los Angeles. If you cant handle the horses under the hood, buy a minivan!!!!! UNBELIEVABLE!!!!
Anyway, I am back and I will start getting the blog going again. Take care and enjoy!!!
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
Sunday, August 27, 2006
What the Perfect Guy Would Do -- REALITY CHECK!!!
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Thursday, August 24, 2006
Pole-A-Palooza!!! Can I be a Judge???
This is my kind of contest!!! Sign me up as a judge. Here are some pics a friend sent me. He said it was great, Lucky bastard was in Vegas for a wedding and went to it.
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
Girls Kissing Girls
Earlier today, I posted something about the new phenomenon about girls getting drunk and then takin pictures of themselves dry humping other girls. In it, I mention another phenomenon sweeping the web. Pictures of chicks kissing each other.
I remember back in the day, when the only place you could see two chicks kissing was a porno tape? Now it's happening everywhere, having made the quantum leap from my twisted fantasies to the next booth over at the TGI Fridays.
Look outside your window. Chicks are kissing. In the bars, the dance clubs, the shopping malls, the casinos, the pancake house. MySpace is filled with chicks kissing other chicks. This is a world in which chicks will grab other chicks and kiss them square on the mouth. And, here's the thing: many of them are not gay. I would venture most of them are straight or bi. Which means they are still on the market for all of us guys!!!!
These are magical, magical times for people who like watching women kiss. And I am one of those people. So I am extremely giddy in this new age of girls kissing each other.
Why do they do it? I'm not sure, but I'm certain the response it provokes is a factor. This stuff works like kryptonite, bringing grown men to their knees, forcing them to remove their wallets, keep the rounds of drinks coming, and stretch out their hands while exclaiming to the heavens, "Fuck, god almighty, thank you for girls who kiss other girls."
The only exception is when the women in liplock are over the age of 78. This is simply disturbing. (I was unfortunate enough to see this firsthand when two older ladies were walking in Valley Junction. I think they thought no one was looking.) But hot, young, vibrant chicks kissing? Man, that's the stuff. And by "the stuff," I mean, "thing I want to see happening as much as humanly possible." Keep it coming, ladies, and, as always, the next round's on me. I mean it!!! If I see any of you ladies out at a bar, just come on over, kiss your friend, and I will by you both a round of drinks!!!
Drunk Humping
This morning, I'd like to salute one of my favorite barroom and/or keg party phenomenons: the photo of two girls pretending to hump each other. Anyone who's ever participated in such merriment, feel free to raise your hand.
In the second half of 2006, I fully expect this sort of photo to surpass the obligatory "girls showing off their thongs" and "frat guys putting balls on passed out guy's head" as the single most popular party souvenir. It is already starting to gain popularity on MySpace. I would rank its occurrence behind girls-kissing-girls, but in a dead heat with the thongs.
Nice!!! I am definitely not complaining!!! Any ladies that have some good party humping fotos, let me know.
Saturday, August 19, 2006
Two Dollar Bill
This story happened in Austin, TX. I think it was 1991. Can't believe people already forgot the $2 Bill.
On my way home from the second job I've taken for the extra holiday ca$h I need, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat. In my billfold is a $50 bill and a $2 bill. That is all of the cash I have on my person. I figure that with a $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not have to worry about people getting upset at me.
ME: ``Hi, I'd like one seven layer burrito please, to go.''
IT: ``Is that it?''
ME: ``Yep.''
IT: ``That'll be $1.04, eat here?''
ME: ``No, it's to go.'' [I hate effort duplication.]
At his point I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He looks at it kind of funny and shakes his head.
IT: ``Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right back."
He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within earshot. The following conversation occurs between the two of them.
IT: ``Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?''
MG: ``No. A what?''
IT: ``A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me.''
MG: ``Ask for something else, there's no such thing as a $2 bill.'' [my emp]
IT: ``Yeah, thought so.''
He comes back to me and says
IT: ``We don't take these. Do you have anything else?''
ME: ``Just this fifty. You don't take $2 bills? Why?''
IT: ``I don't know.''
ME: ``See here where it says legal tender?''
IT: ``Yeah.''
ME: ``So, shouldn't you take it?''
IT: ``Well, hang on a sec.''
He goes back to his manager who is watching me like I'm going to shoplift, and
IT: ``He says I have to take it.''
MG: ``Doesn't he have anything else?''
IT: ``Yeah, a fifty. I'll get it and you can open the safe and get change.''
MG: ``I'm not opening the safe with him in here.'' [my emp]
IT: ``What should I do?''
MG: ``Tell him to come back later when he has real money.''
IT: ``I can't tell him that, you tell him.''
MG: ``Just tell him.''
IT: ``No way, this is weird, I'm going in back.''
The manager approaches me and says
MG: ``Sorry, we don't take big bills this time of night.'' [it was 8pm and this particular Taco Bell is in a well lighted indoor mall with 100 other stores.]
ME: ``Well, here's a two.''
MG: ``We don't take those either.''
ME: ``Why not?''
MG: ``I think you know why.''
ME: ``No really, tell me, why?''
MG: ``Please leave before I call mall security.''
ME: ``Excuse me?''
MG: ``Please leave before I call mall security.''
ME: ``What for?''
MG: ``Please, sir.''
ME: ``Uh, go ahead, call them.''
MG: ``Would you please just leave?''
ME: ``No.''
MG: ``Fine, have it your way then.''
ME: ``No, that's Burger King, isn't it?''
At this point he backs away from me and calls mall security on the phone around the corner. I have two people staring at me from the dining area, and I begin laughing out loud, just for effect. A few minutes later this 45 year oldish guy comes in and says [at the other end of counter, in a whisper]
SG: ``Yeah, Mike, what's up?''
MG: ``This guy is trying to give me some [pause] funny money.''
SG: ``Really? What?''
MG: ``Get this, a two dollar bill.''
SG: ``Why would a guy fake a $2 bill?'' [incredulous]
MG: ``I don't know? He's kinda weird. Says the only other thing he has is a fifty.''
SG: ``So, the fifty's fake?''
MG: ``No, the $2 is.''
SG: ``Why would he fake a $2 bill?''
MG: ``I don't know. Can you talk to him, and get him out of here?''
SG: ``Yeah...''
Security guard walks over to me and says
SG: ``Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you're trying to use.''
ME: ``Uh, no.''
SG: ``Lemme see 'em.''
ME: ``Why?''
SG: ``Do you want me to get the cops in here?''
At this point I was ready to say, ``SURE, PLEASE,'' but I wanted to eat, so I said
ME: ``I'm just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this $2 bill.''
I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I was taking a swing at him. He takes the bill, turns it over a few times in his hands, and says
SG: ``Mike, what's wrong with this bill?''
MG: ``It's fake.''
SG: ``It doesn't look fake to me.''
MG: ``But it's a $2 bill.''
SG: ``Yeah?''
MG: ``Well, there's no such thing, is there?''
The security guard and I both looked at him like he was an idiot, and it dawned on the guy that he had no clue.
My burrito was free and he threw in a small drink and those cinnamon things, too. Makes me want to get a whole stack of $2 bills just to see what happens when I try to buy stuff. If I got the right group of people, I could probably end up in jail. At least I'd get free food.
On my way home from the second job I've taken for the extra holiday ca$h I need, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat. In my billfold is a $50 bill and a $2 bill. That is all of the cash I have on my person. I figure that with a $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not have to worry about people getting upset at me.
ME: ``Hi, I'd like one seven layer burrito please, to go.''
IT: ``Is that it?''
ME: ``Yep.''
IT: ``That'll be $1.04, eat here?''
ME: ``No, it's to go.'' [I hate effort duplication.]
At his point I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He looks at it kind of funny and shakes his head.
IT: ``Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right back."
He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within earshot. The following conversation occurs between the two of them.
IT: ``Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?''
MG: ``No. A what?''
IT: ``A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me.''
MG: ``Ask for something else, there's no such thing as a $2 bill.'' [my emp]
IT: ``Yeah, thought so.''
He comes back to me and says
IT: ``We don't take these. Do you have anything else?''
ME: ``Just this fifty. You don't take $2 bills? Why?''
IT: ``I don't know.''
ME: ``See here where it says legal tender?''
IT: ``Yeah.''
ME: ``So, shouldn't you take it?''
IT: ``Well, hang on a sec.''
He goes back to his manager who is watching me like I'm going to shoplift, and
IT: ``He says I have to take it.''
MG: ``Doesn't he have anything else?''
IT: ``Yeah, a fifty. I'll get it and you can open the safe and get change.''
MG: ``I'm not opening the safe with him in here.'' [my emp]
IT: ``What should I do?''
MG: ``Tell him to come back later when he has real money.''
IT: ``I can't tell him that, you tell him.''
MG: ``Just tell him.''
IT: ``No way, this is weird, I'm going in back.''
The manager approaches me and says
MG: ``Sorry, we don't take big bills this time of night.'' [it was 8pm and this particular Taco Bell is in a well lighted indoor mall with 100 other stores.]
ME: ``Well, here's a two.''
MG: ``We don't take those either.''
ME: ``Why not?''
MG: ``I think you know why.''
ME: ``No really, tell me, why?''
MG: ``Please leave before I call mall security.''
ME: ``Excuse me?''
MG: ``Please leave before I call mall security.''
ME: ``What for?''
MG: ``Please, sir.''
ME: ``Uh, go ahead, call them.''
MG: ``Would you please just leave?''
ME: ``No.''
MG: ``Fine, have it your way then.''
ME: ``No, that's Burger King, isn't it?''
At this point he backs away from me and calls mall security on the phone around the corner. I have two people staring at me from the dining area, and I begin laughing out loud, just for effect. A few minutes later this 45 year oldish guy comes in and says [at the other end of counter, in a whisper]
SG: ``Yeah, Mike, what's up?''
MG: ``This guy is trying to give me some [pause] funny money.''
SG: ``Really? What?''
MG: ``Get this, a two dollar bill.''
SG: ``Why would a guy fake a $2 bill?'' [incredulous]
MG: ``I don't know? He's kinda weird. Says the only other thing he has is a fifty.''
SG: ``So, the fifty's fake?''
MG: ``No, the $2 is.''
SG: ``Why would he fake a $2 bill?''
MG: ``I don't know. Can you talk to him, and get him out of here?''
SG: ``Yeah...''
Security guard walks over to me and says
SG: ``Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you're trying to use.''
ME: ``Uh, no.''
SG: ``Lemme see 'em.''
ME: ``Why?''
SG: ``Do you want me to get the cops in here?''
At this point I was ready to say, ``SURE, PLEASE,'' but I wanted to eat, so I said
ME: ``I'm just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this $2 bill.''
I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I was taking a swing at him. He takes the bill, turns it over a few times in his hands, and says
SG: ``Mike, what's wrong with this bill?''
MG: ``It's fake.''
SG: ``It doesn't look fake to me.''
MG: ``But it's a $2 bill.''
SG: ``Yeah?''
MG: ``Well, there's no such thing, is there?''
The security guard and I both looked at him like he was an idiot, and it dawned on the guy that he had no clue.
My burrito was free and he threw in a small drink and those cinnamon things, too. Makes me want to get a whole stack of $2 bills just to see what happens when I try to buy stuff. If I got the right group of people, I could probably end up in jail. At least I'd get free food.
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
Jenga Drinking Game
I had a surprise Birthday party Friday night. We sat around and drank huge amounts of alcohol and played drinking games. We played some of the basics; quarters, three man, kings, etc.
One of my buddies found Jenga at the house. He enlightened us to a wonderful drinking game. It was an instant hit. Some of you may have encountered this before, others prepare to be enlightened. I think everyone fell in love with this game. We asked the name of the game and he had no idea. So we just call it "Drinking Jenga."
It starts with a regular old wooden Jenga set, same old boring pull-and-stack action. Take a marker, and on the underside of each piece write a drinking rule, the kind of stuff you'd find in Kings or Circle of Death or whatever your particular group of friends calls the game. "Drink two," "Guys drink," "Make a rule," "Person to right drinks three," etc.
From there it's pretty self-explanatory: pull a Jenga piece, execute the rule, place it back on top, move to the next person. Whoever knocks over the tower has to perform some kind of drinking feat, whether it's shotgunning a beer, doing a nasty shot - be creative.
It's a nice change from the same old dice and card games, and as you can imagine, the pulling/stacking action gets a little more interesting as the drinks start flowing. My favorite rule so far, which I will definitely be adding to my list of Kings/Jenga/etc. rules, is the "five-minute power hour." For the uninformed, during a power hour the participants drink a shot of beer every minute for an hour - the five minute version being, well, is five minutes long.
ENJOY!!!!
One of my buddies found Jenga at the house. He enlightened us to a wonderful drinking game. It was an instant hit. Some of you may have encountered this before, others prepare to be enlightened. I think everyone fell in love with this game. We asked the name of the game and he had no idea. So we just call it "Drinking Jenga."
It starts with a regular old wooden Jenga set, same old boring pull-and-stack action. Take a marker, and on the underside of each piece write a drinking rule, the kind of stuff you'd find in Kings or Circle of Death or whatever your particular group of friends calls the game. "Drink two," "Guys drink," "Make a rule," "Person to right drinks three," etc.
From there it's pretty self-explanatory: pull a Jenga piece, execute the rule, place it back on top, move to the next person. Whoever knocks over the tower has to perform some kind of drinking feat, whether it's shotgunning a beer, doing a nasty shot - be creative.
It's a nice change from the same old dice and card games, and as you can imagine, the pulling/stacking action gets a little more interesting as the drinks start flowing. My favorite rule so far, which I will definitely be adding to my list of Kings/Jenga/etc. rules, is the "five-minute power hour." For the uninformed, during a power hour the participants drink a shot of beer every minute for an hour - the five minute version being, well, is five minutes long.
ENJOY!!!!
Tuesday, August 8, 2006
10 Things that Piss Me Off
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the fu*k is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?
2. The Pillsbury doughboy is way too happy considering he has no dick.
3. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
4. When people say, ''Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too. ''Fu*k off. What good is a goddamn cake you can't eat? What, should I eat someone else's cake instead?
5. When people say, ''It's always in the last place you look.'' Of course it is. Why the Fu*k would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?
6. When people say, while watching a movie, ''Did you see that?'' No dickhead, I paid $7.50 to come to the theatre and stare at the ceiling?
7. I still get pissed off by that 90's radio ad: ''Hi, I'm Jeff Healey from the Jeff Healey Band. Don't drink and drive. I don't.'' Well, I hope you don't drive sober either Mr. Healey. You're blind for God's sake
8. People who ask, ''Can I ask you a question?'' Didn't really give me a choice, didja there buddy?
9. When something is ''new and improved.'' Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.
10. When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going? You should know asshole, you fu*king pulled me over.
2. The Pillsbury doughboy is way too happy considering he has no dick.
3. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
4. When people say, ''Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too. ''Fu*k off. What good is a goddamn cake you can't eat? What, should I eat someone else's cake instead?
5. When people say, ''It's always in the last place you look.'' Of course it is. Why the Fu*k would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?
6. When people say, while watching a movie, ''Did you see that?'' No dickhead, I paid $7.50 to come to the theatre and stare at the ceiling?
7. I still get pissed off by that 90's radio ad: ''Hi, I'm Jeff Healey from the Jeff Healey Band. Don't drink and drive. I don't.'' Well, I hope you don't drive sober either Mr. Healey. You're blind for God's sake
8. People who ask, ''Can I ask you a question?'' Didn't really give me a choice, didja there buddy?
9. When something is ''new and improved.'' Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.
10. When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going? You should know asshole, you fu*king pulled me over.
Sunday, August 6, 2006
Hot Girls and Dorky Guys
Is it just me, or is the dorky-guys-with-cute-chicks ratio officially off the charts? It started out in the imaginary world of TV, where balding, beer-bellied dolts like Jim Belushi, the King of Queens guy, and some guy from some other show could land aging but still quite hot women like Courtney Thorne-Smith, Leah Remini (Although she has gained a little weight, she is still cute) and Jami Gertz. Now it seems to have spilled out into real life, where I am constantly amazed at how many dorks and near-gimps have hooked up with women who wouldn't give them the time of day in high school.
Last week, I saw one of the hottest girls that I went to high school with. She was a cheerleader, smart, witty, athletic, and damn good lookin. She was with her husband. DAMN!!! He was the dorkiest guy I had ever seen. I mean he was a pure nerd. Skinny, glasses, curly hair. I swear he was Napoleon Dynamites older, darker haired brother!!!!! I would have expected her to marry a pro football player, or a handsome doctor, or something like that. This guy didnt even have a mega high profile job. He was a frickin school teacher, just like me!!!!! Unbelievable!!!!!!
I guess everyone has a chance.
Last week, I saw one of the hottest girls that I went to high school with. She was a cheerleader, smart, witty, athletic, and damn good lookin. She was with her husband. DAMN!!! He was the dorkiest guy I had ever seen. I mean he was a pure nerd. Skinny, glasses, curly hair. I swear he was Napoleon Dynamites older, darker haired brother!!!!! I would have expected her to marry a pro football player, or a handsome doctor, or something like that. This guy didnt even have a mega high profile job. He was a frickin school teacher, just like me!!!!! Unbelievable!!!!!!
I guess everyone has a chance.
Tuesday, August 1, 2006
Jessica Simpson -- Saggy Boobs!!!
UNBELIEVABLE!!! I got this pic from a friend. IT is legit.
That is so disappointing. I guess I always thought she would have some nice boobs to go along with her awesome ass and legs!! Oh Well!! I hope Nick was an ass man like me. Or maybe that is why they got divorced.
That is so disappointing. I guess I always thought she would have some nice boobs to go along with her awesome ass and legs!! Oh Well!! I hope Nick was an ass man like me. Or maybe that is why they got divorced.
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