THE FUTURE

Just got done watching some science show about what the earth will be like in the future. Think it was on Discovery channel.

Anyway, it got me to thinking of the future. When I think of the future, I don't imagine Captain Kirk or Chewbacca or robots that do your homework and cook you a chicken, or hover crafts that drive automatically..

I think of women like the ones above.

In my mind's vision of the future, all women will wear outfits such as the ones pictured above. Latex, Spandex, Lycra, whatever they want, as long as it is tight. They will all have asses like that as well.

Man, the future is gonna kick ass!

Sexy Tattoos

With the arrival of warm weather, I have been seeing the ladies wearing less and less clothing. Cutoff shirts, shorts, tank tops -- I am lovin it. And with this warm weather attire, I have been seeing more and more tattoos. I think everyone is getting a tattoo.

Anyway, I dont know what it is about a hottie with a tattoo, but it drives me crazy!!!! God Bless you all!!

Free Advice Saturdays

Tonight, I went to a friends house to watch the De la Hoya-Mayweather fight. It was pretty fun. A guys night out if you will. Just a bunch of guys, beer, cards, and sports.

This one guy related an interesting story to the group and I, being the advice guy that I am, had to put in my two cents worth.

So, here we are, Free advice Saturdays. If any of you guys are in this situation, hope this info helps you out. I am going to write this one in a question and answer format, to make it more like that ask Dr. Ruth column.

So, here is this guys situation: He's been dating this girl for about 6 months, and when she took him home to meet her mother, he was instantly attracted to her. She's 53 and incredibly hot. Also, she's been giving him those flirtatious signs, and now he has gotten this incredible urge to bang her. He wanted to know if this was normal, is he a sick perv, or should he go for it.

My response: Beware the elder pussy. Not that there aren't a lot of scintillating older women in this world. God knows that nothing conjures more evil thoughts in my loins than the sight of a forty-something mom with a tramp stamp on her lower back, trying to snake her ass into the same skinny jeans as her teenage daughter. And there are a lot of older women out there I would gladly hop in the sack with for a wild romp. Many times, the older, more experienced ladies are the best in bed. I love MILF's.

But your situation if very different. For one, you are dating her daughter. Secondly, you have the father/husband to deal with. And third, you are only 24 years old and your girl friend is 22. Let's break this down.

For one thing, you're gonna risk losing your young and undeniably tight-assed girlfriend for a woman whose ass – no matter how nice it may look in jeans – has got 53 years of mileage on it. Second, you run the risk of having two women want to slice your balls off with a cleaver. And lastly – and this is most important – think of your girl's dad. Bad enough he's already pissed that you're trying to make time with his little girl. If he finds out you're after his wife as well, you may find yourself at the bottom of the Des Moines River. And not in a good way. Roll with the young, my friend.

MILFS

There is so much going on in the world today. Wars, terrorism, freaks shooting people up, gas prices going towards $3.00 a gallon again. What more can this country face!!!

Well, there is something that needs to be addressed. It has been a perplexing topic for several years now, but it is just entering the mainstrean phase of being a phenomenon. I am talking about the MILF!!! Yes, the MILF!!

I'm a MILF purist. Stifler's Mom from American Pie is the original MILF (see pic above), and remains the standard to which all MILF's will be judged. She.was simultaneously blowzy and sultry, her defining quality was the ability to either squish Finch (her much younger admirer) like an ant, or give him the best sex of his life. There's the tension; there's the art. With a MILF, you just never know.

Since then, tacky pop culture has debased the definition. It seems that any woman with a child has been called a MILF. Angelina Jolie, WTF, has been designated one. Listen up, people! Those kids are adopted. This does not count towards MILFdom. A MILF has had kids through either her vagina or through her abdomen (if a c-section). Angelina Jolie is cheating!!

A man should recognize a MILF immediately upon introduction. Marg Helgenberger is one; Cate Blanchett is not. Sharon Stone is; Gwyneth Paltroon....sorry, Paltrow, is not. The only strict definition I'm prepared to issue is that their children should be under nineteen years old, but then I look at Raquel Welch , and figure that I might be wrong there too.

Back here in the real world, the rise of the MILF is unfathomable. The baby boom has given us a cornucopia of delicious moms, and every man worth a pinch wants some.

MILFs: they don't tell, they don't swell, and they're as grateful as hell.
GOD BLESS THE MILFS!!!!!!!

International Skin Flicks

Last night was a boy's poker night. As usual, we got together, played some cards, drank a lot of beer, and talked about sports, sex, and women. The conversation quickly turned to porn.

As many of you know, I was once a purveyor of porn. I have seen my share of Jenna Jameson getting her boobs squirted on or Chasey Lain getting banged by Ron Jeremy and Peter North. Unfortunately, I have not been watching a lot of porn as of late. I don't have time, nor the desire since, after awhile, it all becomes the same.

Anyway, I spent much of the 90's traveling abroad. I have been all over Asia and South America. One thing that these two areas have in common is a plethora of pirated videos, many of them pornos. I have had the good fortune to experience international porn. A couple of the other guys had also spent some time abroad and had seen their fair share of skin flicks from around the world as well.Here are some of our observations.

Thai porn - insufficient breast footage (maybe because there are not too many big breasted chicks in Thailand), Seems very rehearsed and unnatural. Cheap sets. A huge interest in She-Male porn. Much of the mainstream porn included at least the appearance of a transsexual or transvestite.

Indian porn - too much story, too little action; the music was very distracting, It seemed like the actresses were more concerned with actually acting rather than the sex. Like they would be found by some Bollywood producer.

Japanese porn - unhappy pissed off looking girls, odd fetishes. Too many knee-high sock and bukkake issues. Also, lots of bondage

French porn - hairy girls, always trying to look art-house. Nice lingerie and costumes though

German porn - very high quality, very dirty, hot girls. The girls would do anything. They would be peed on, shat on, forced to drink the cum of 20 men. Weird stuff. The Mercedes-Benz of filth.

East Euro porn - even hotter girls, no story or plot, just porn. It went from one scene straight to another. No lead in.

American porn - the gold standard. Thanks to everyone in the San Fernando Valley.

Italian porn - I think Italian porn was the best. The girls were the hottest, the sex scenes were beautifully shot, there was some decent acting, and the settings were elaborate. They treat it like a big time production. Very well done Italy.

My Fetish

"Fetish" is such an over-used iword, especially when used in non-sexual situations. This has really messed up the use of a good word for me. Girls will say "I have a purse fetish." or a "shoe fetish" or something like that. If a girl says she has a shoe fetish, it means one thing. If a guy has a shoe fetish, we all know that it has a TOTALLY different meaning

Anyway, I've decided to admit my fetish...right here for all of you readers. You will learn of my dirty fetish!!

I have a woman fetish. I love to look at women... whether it's tight jeans and a form-fitted shirt, tank tops, bikinis, THONGS, short skirts, long skirts, shorts, capri pants, cut-off blouses, dresses, whatever.... sometimes you can just see the sexiness the woman carries with her. It's sad, really how bad my fetish has become. I'll have lunch with my friend JT (who, like me is a dude) and we'll be talking and a woman will walk by and I'll have a hard time keeping my focus on our conversation. You know, I try sp hard to be subtle, and I think most of the time I am, but there's something about high heels and one of those sexy skirts or form fitting pants on the right girl that is just hard to look away from. I think that most women either know they are hot and get a lot of looks, therefore avoid looking around for fear of seeing the creepy guys that are checking them out, or they are totally oblivious to the fact that they are being admired, both near and far.

There is something to be said about just the sight of a beautiful woman who obviously cares about her looks (not vain....just cares) and is not afraid to leave a little eye candy out there for the rest of us to admire.

Pregnant and Glowing!!!

This is some chick named Katie Price. I guess she is a celeb in the UK. Anyway, she knows how to flaunt it while pregnant.

I don't know why, but I am turned on by pregnant chicks!! I love it. I guess I am a little like Alan on Two and a Half Men. When he was going crazy over the maid's pregnant daughter.

I have two kids, so I have been there. The belly grows and so does my level of horniness. I see a pregnant hottie and wild fantasies run through my head. I think it is the glow that pregnant ladies give off.

I Love Soccer!!!

ENOUGH SAID!!

What a Fridge!!!

I dont know about you, but that is my kind of fridge. The only thing in it is beer and whipped cream.

What? What did you say? A girl in a thong?... Oh yeah, I see that now. That isn't bad either.

Free Advice Fridays

Dear E: Whenever my girlfriend gets drunk, she's all over her roommate. Her roommate's a girl also, which seems pretty cool, but she's sometimes so busy making out with and feeling up her roomie she almost forgets I'm in the room. I used to think it was for show, but she does it even when it's just the three of us hanging out. Should I be nervous that my girlfriend's gonna switch teams on me?

Buddy, the only thing you should be concerned about is that she might start feeling up her roomie and you're not around to see it. Honestly, who the fuck complains that his girlfriend makes out with other hot young women? I know many guys who would kill to be in your position, and most would be trying to find a way to take it all to the next level, scheming some bizarre scenario involving a kiddie pool full of whipped cream, dog leashes, fireworks, leather straps and masks, Crisco oil, cheerleader outfits and a full-on game of "twister." You should be, too. And if you're not taking it upon yourself to film it all to share with your buddies later, then you're not much of a friend at all. Get with the program Dude!!

The Lovely Miss Hilton

I think Paris must have picked up a case of the crabs!!! What a classy lady.

Doing it on the First Date, Go for It!!

In my opinion, it just cuts to the chase.

Consider this: Relationships aren't all about sex, but that's a big part of it. I mean, you wouldn't date and/or marry someone who wasn't fairly good in bed, correct? Now I know there are a few people that will say "But it is all about love, sex isnt important" I am all for love. It is super important. I would say it is the most important thing. But, for most people, sex is right up there. A relationship with terrible sex is doomed 80% of the time (That is my estimate).

I know of two relationships where they waited until they were married for sex. Both of them ended in divorce. One was because of sex. It was the girl who said she wanted more and better quality, so she started screwing around. The other was a combination of things, but one of them was that the sex was boring. I know there are many relationships in which they have waited to have sex and the relationships survived. And that is great. As for me, I want to test drive the car before buying it, you know what I mean. And it seems most of them women I know feel the same way.

Now, there are certain things about people – let's call them "personal quirks" – that might take a while to reveal themselves. Maybe she likes to pick fights with football players when she's drunk and you have to step in to defend her (And get your ass kicked). Maybe he likes to paint "Yankees 4 Eva" on his ass and sprint naked through the yard after each Yankee victory (Being a Yankee should doom the relationship right there. Frickin Yankees!!). Maybe she keeps voodoo dolls of all her ex-boyfriends in the attic and periodically sticks pins in them. All potential deal breakers – but also the sort of things that don't become apparent 'til a few weeks or months into the relationship. But a bad fuck? You'll be able to spot that sucka the minute you get rolling.

So while some might consider you "slutty" for screwing on the first date, I would prefer to think of you as a cautious consumer, who's simply performing responsible consumerism. Party on!

The Ass Man Returns

The new object of my affection -- and the reason I'm going to die of carpal tunnel syndrome -- is here.

Also, how exactly did women show off their asses to the entire free world before YouTube? Clearly, this is why Al Gore and Mike Nesmith invented the Internet.

This girl doesnt have the moves, but she doesnt need them with an ass like that!!

Spring is Here and so are the Hotties

So with the onset of Spring weather I've decided to discuss a topic near and dear to my heart: hot girls. Blonde or brunette, white, latino, asian, or black, tall or short, I don't discriminate. But I have a question for all the hot girls out there. Where do you go during the winter?

This question confounds me every year. I go through the whole seasonal depression as do many because I hate the cold weather and it destroys my soul. If there were beautiful women all around I feel I could manage it better and not think of running away to the Caribbean to become a bartender or cabana boy.

Do good looking girls hibernate like bears all winter long?? Do you acquire boyfriends and simply stay in all winter? Do you hate the cold weather as much as me and refuse to venture out in it? It saddens me that good looking girls disappear in the winter. Girls in nice sweaters is a good look. Girls all bundled up in large coats, hats, and scarves, is also extremely cute. Instead it seems like girls revert to the blah, drab colors in the winter. And the hotties just disappear.

I frequent coffee shops a lot (gotta get the java goin through the veins), and it's clear good looking girls are not there in excess in the winter as opposed to spring. Yes, there are one or two, but not like springtime. Bars and clubs definitely do not impress at all compared to the warmer months either. Even more confusing is the gym. During the winter when everyone gains weight, the gym has less hot girls. I'd figure the girls would be working hard to stay hot over the winter so they can show off in the summer. The gym is absolutely packed now with the onset of the warm weather whereas the crowd was a lot sparser in the winter.

Is there some hot girl paradise in the winter that I am not aware of like in Seinfeld when George discovers the meat-packing warehouse that is a club for beautiful models?? Do girls migrate south like birds and return in the warmer months to their natural habitat? I feel I will never know the truth about this phenomenon. The only reasonable explanation I have is that girls are like camels. They store up all their energy during the winter in anticipation of the summer where they are seemingly everywhere all the time. As I walk around the mall, there are a lot better looking girls shopping. Girls are also packing the gym in droves. Hotties can be seen running down the streets and eating out more. As the weather improves so will come the suntanners and even better, the short skirts and shorts. And, the inevitble showing of the Thong!!! Spring is upon us, and I am happy because the hot girls have returned again this year.

God Bless You ALL!!!

She's got to be a Stripper

A friend sent me this from YouTube. MY GOD!!! She has got to be a stripper. She just needs a pole and she is good to go.

Nice Tramp Stamp!!

Nice Advertisement

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All I can say is WOW!!!!

Free Advice Saturdays (One Day Early)

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Why I Love Summer

I should have posted this blog last week, when it was in the 70's. WTF is up with this weather? It is supposed to get in the low 20's every night for the rest of the week. And highs in the low to mid 40's. Screw that!! I am going back to the Tropics!!

OK, I guess I am staying right here in Iowa, but I wish I was off to the beach somewhere warm 12 months of the year. I have been thinking a lot about summer lately. I love summer. "Why??" You ask. Let me tell you:

I can wear flip-flops, shorts, and a tank top all the time.
I don't have to put on layers of clothing then take them off, then put them back on again, then…you get the point.
THONGS!!!
Driving with the windows rolled down and the music pumped up.
Anything involving water (Lakes, swimming pools, hot tubs, rivers, etc.)
Women laying out at the park catching some rays.
Did I already mention THONGS!!
Going for an evening jog.
Drinking a beer while sitting on the back porch and grilling up some ribs
Drinking a beer while at the lake
Drinking a beer while watching a baseball game
Drinking a beer while watching girls in THONGS!!
Women wearing cut off tops and daisy dukes (added bonus if they have a belly button ring and/or a tattoo in the small of their back.)
Bikinis
No classes and students to deal with for a couple of months.
My annual summer trip (past destinations have included Mexico, Honduras, Dominican Republic, Australia, Fiji, and Colombia)
The State Fair
I also love all those little county fairs and city festivals that they have. Some of those are a blast.
Being able to sleep in
Ice cream, chocolate sauce, ice cubes and a hottie.
These are just 20 things. I could probably go on and on. Things like Thongs on the Beach, Low cut jeans and Thongs, etc. But I will stop at 20. Please feel free to comment and add anything that you like about summer. Stay warm, summer is only a month or so away!!

Flexible

WOW!!! Do you think she could lick your balls while doing it from behind??

Those Tits Could Crush My Dick!!

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This woman is a little scary!! I wouldn't want to piss her off.