Every Wednesday night, my buddies and I get together to play some poker and drink a few beers. We usually have between 5 and 7 guys. It is a time to get together and do guy things, which means gambling, drinking, talking about sports, women, and sex. For about 2 or 3 hours, that is our lives.
Anyway, last Wednesday we get together and we start talking about sex and some of the weird things weve done. We are talking about the usually; sex in cars, outdoors, in the shower, etc. Nothing out of the ordinary really.
Then, JR drops a bombshell!!!!! He tells us that sometimes he jacks off and cums on the girl that he is sleeping with. I was shocked at first, but then I figure it must be something he has done once or twice and that is it. He confesses that it is a habit with him. Sometimes, he will wait till the chick falls asleeps, then he masturbrates and shoots his load on the girls clothes or body, etc. According to him, he does it often, and most of the time, the girl wakes up in the morning and doesnt even know he has done it.
We are all sitting there, open mouthed. SHOCKED!!! This just seemed too weird. Then Gary, another player (BTW, these are not the real names since they may be embarrassed by this) tells us he has done that a few times. WHAT THE HELL IS THE WORLD COMING TO???
I guess I can understand if you are hot and heavy and then the girl decided to stop before you finish the deed. Maybe you finish it on your own. Or if she passes out while doin it. I can see that scenario. Or, we discussed the scenario where the girl turns into a psycho-bitch and you shoot a load in her hair after she falls asleep (Ladies, you know how much of a mess that is). But doing that crap on a regular basis?? Weird!!
So the nights poker is ruined as we spend about an hour discussing this topic. We conclude it must be some kind of fetish. I mean why jack-off with a girl lying next to you when you could do it solo. I have done a lot of wild, kinky sex stuff, but I have never jacked off onto a sleeping girl. Hell, I have only jacked off in front of a girl a couple of times and that was because she was hot and begged me to let her watch( and she had to finish the deed).. I guess there are some girls that get super excited watching guys Jack-off
So, I would like to get a little discussion going on this blog. I know I have a lot of readers, but not too many people make comments. Those that do, I thank you and I will try and get a comment back to you. Guys, if you have done this or know someone that has and arent shy about talking about it, post it here.
Girls, if you have had this done to you or suspect someone did this to you, post it here. Lets talk about this. I am going to have to look it up, but we may have discovered a whole new category of fetishes!!!!!!!!!!!
Saturday, November 11, 2006
Thursday, November 2, 2006
Casual Sex Definitions
Only us overeducated and neurotic Americans can fuck up something simple as casual sex, and all over definitions. So, as a public service, here follows the definitions of some (some is key here) of the sexual liaisons available to the discerning American:
Sex With No Strings. Pretty simple, and to the point - humping. Lots of it. Usually in one session - thus, no strings. In other words, no expectations of future humping, unless a new relationship is negotiated. SWNS means I will not a call you later, I will not meet your parents, and no, you can't sleep over (in my t-shirt no less). This is the traditional One Night Stand, folks, it just doesn't have to start in a bar, nor do you need to be drunk.
Guys, it has been my experience that if you do not just shoot your load, and instantly ask when the next bus runs outside, and you actually act like you care, the lady might reward you with an upgrade to fuck buddy status(see below). This category is often the one that you end up calling later, drunk, horny, and confused. This is also the one that is "use once, throw away". Unless it's so good, you have to go back...usually you can decide this 30 seconds after you cum...then it's upgrade time.
Gals. This is NOT A RELATIONSHIP. STOP telling your girlfriends about the awesome guy you met last night, he's not calling you again. Yes, he used you. You used him right back. Enjoy the power. These are hook ups you don't talk about, nor do you take them around to meet your pals for drinks the next day. You hump, they leave. Simple.
Booty Call: This is someone you've SWNS'ed, or dated. Maybe you were married. Or she is married or dating, or you work together. Or you both are involved with someone else. This is someone you can call anytime, day or night, and chances are, you will get laid. You have one or two of these, right? Everyone does. Anyone who's dating someone else, and it's the first year, dreads these. We all know who are they. We have ours.
Guys and Gals - these happen FROM previous relationships. Stop asking for them, you're putting the horse before the cart. One of the important things here is, A., you know calling them is okay, and vice versa, and B., you know what they're like in bed, they're acceptable to you, and there will be no uncomfortable "surprises" at the door if they come over. Slow it down, Speed Racer, and try SWNS first. And finally, these are the super, super secret ones. Nobody ever knows. Ever. If you tell your current girlfriend/boyfriend, you destroy the relationship AND the bootycall.
Fuck Buddy. These are the fun ones, and the most dangerous. It's about sex - lots of it, and all the time. After work, before work, all weekend, in Tahoe on a ski weekend (fireplace sex is the BEST), and they're allowed to stay over. Can be ongoing, like a booty call, and will be dusted off between relationships. "Funny, I never met HIM the 3 years we dated? Oh, he's one of THOSE." You might even date, go out, show each other off, but once things get personal, you both know it's time to split up, for now. They're the one person who won't get upset if you say "I met someone..." because they did, too.
Guys and gals, warning. These relationships are treacherous. They CAN and do sometimes get real, and the other person rarely agrees it's time to start sharing the bureau and bathroom. Be open, honest, and make sure you're BOTH on the same page, and the kingdom is yours.
However, for the meek at heart, beware. These are the realtionships where fetishes, fanatsies, and pure unadulterated hedonsim occurs, and it's expected. This is the time for her to try drinking the blood from a wound on your lower belly while she jerks you off, because those bloody vampire movies turn her on in a way she's not ready to deal with. This is the time he'll be into trying threesomes, or more. Do not be offended if he wants to share you, you are his favorite toy, and it's a mark of honor that he's comfy with it. Indulge. But if they rock your polite, standard ideas of what sex is a little too hard, be aware you are in far, far over your head, and you need to back off and either date (foolish exercise that it is) or dabble with SWNS, so you can at least escape his/her chamber of horrors.
Yes folks, this is the one where you get your stories. Love them, live them, respect them. You'd both worked hard.
Friends With Benefits. Yes, that one. Okay, some blunt truth. Women tend to abuse this one to try and trap a guy into a relationship, and guys generally confuse this with Fuck Buddy, Booty Call, and Sex With No Strings - and generally all in one night. Guys, these are going to be tough for you, for one reason: the word "friends". These relationships have a very good shot of turning into a real relationship. See "When Harry Met Sally". This is someone you'd probably be dating, anyway, and the only difference is no sex. Adding sex can be tricky, as it moves the relationship into a grey area, of where you're not sure how you feel.
OR
It's someone you trust utterly, who can share this intimacy with you without freaking out on you, and it'll be your shared secret, one that means something. Yes, guys, sex can be meaningful.
This is one where friendship needs to be present first - a strong friendship that can survive the rocky shore of sexual relations. If your friendship is rocky, chaotic, inconstant, and does not have solid communication skills on both sides, mutual trust and respect, it's just a bad idea to begin with, and it will kill your friendship - one that you generally want to cling to, as they count for far more than fleeting sex.
Of all the women I've had offer this to me, very few of them could handle it, and were confusing the intimacy of friendship with something else. Two i accepted, one worked, one didn't, and horribly. The three I offered it to, I knew could, and it was a warm, enjoyable experience we still smile about and hint at when our SO's aren't around. These are good for times of stress or tradgedy, for the lean times between relationships, and while they tend to be more about married sex than the wild, unbridled fuck buddies, it's very, very good - you know each other, it's that much deeper.
Gals: this is a bad way to find a boyfreind. If he's already a freind, that means you don't want to date him, or you're not sure. Make up your mind before plunging in. If you have any feelings for him, and don't admit it up front, it won't go well. Don't dupe a guy - we hate that. Don't lie. You cannot ASK for this with some guy you just met - they are bred during real friendships that happen outside of your nasty little weekend adventures. (You nasty little girl. Bless you.) Asking for a Friends With Benefits too soon screams one thing to me; someone who cannot be honest about what they're looking for, and is using his/her sexuality, or the lure of it, to bypass the hard work of actually meeting someone, getting to know them, and actually relating to them on various levels. You belong in Casual Encounters, but you need to get real - what you need and all you can handle is a SWNS or a fuck buddy, stop trying to trick people with the lure of sex.
Guys: This is trouble for you, for that "friend" word. Yes, it means you have to be a friend, and all that implies. That means she CAN in fact call you when she's weepy, and you have to listen. That means you're NICE to her, and do nice things for her. It may have even occured to her that you really like her, which is why you're friends with her. This is one you introduce to your family, if they don't know her and adore her already, but as just friends - they'll understand later if that changes. It also means that you won't be having sex all the time - you're freinds, remember? That means doing things with her, like going to the store with her, getting her medicine and soup when she's sick, driving her when her car is in the shop...you know the drill. if any of this irks you, you're not being honest about her, and you need to figure out what you're doing, or negotiate for a different status.
Hope this helps! Feel free to rebutt, reject, or rejoinder!
Sex With No Strings. Pretty simple, and to the point - humping. Lots of it. Usually in one session - thus, no strings. In other words, no expectations of future humping, unless a new relationship is negotiated. SWNS means I will not a call you later, I will not meet your parents, and no, you can't sleep over (in my t-shirt no less). This is the traditional One Night Stand, folks, it just doesn't have to start in a bar, nor do you need to be drunk.
Guys, it has been my experience that if you do not just shoot your load, and instantly ask when the next bus runs outside, and you actually act like you care, the lady might reward you with an upgrade to fuck buddy status(see below). This category is often the one that you end up calling later, drunk, horny, and confused. This is also the one that is "use once, throw away". Unless it's so good, you have to go back...usually you can decide this 30 seconds after you cum...then it's upgrade time.
Gals. This is NOT A RELATIONSHIP. STOP telling your girlfriends about the awesome guy you met last night, he's not calling you again. Yes, he used you. You used him right back. Enjoy the power. These are hook ups you don't talk about, nor do you take them around to meet your pals for drinks the next day. You hump, they leave. Simple.
Booty Call: This is someone you've SWNS'ed, or dated. Maybe you were married. Or she is married or dating, or you work together. Or you both are involved with someone else. This is someone you can call anytime, day or night, and chances are, you will get laid. You have one or two of these, right? Everyone does. Anyone who's dating someone else, and it's the first year, dreads these. We all know who are they. We have ours.
Guys and Gals - these happen FROM previous relationships. Stop asking for them, you're putting the horse before the cart. One of the important things here is, A., you know calling them is okay, and vice versa, and B., you know what they're like in bed, they're acceptable to you, and there will be no uncomfortable "surprises" at the door if they come over. Slow it down, Speed Racer, and try SWNS first. And finally, these are the super, super secret ones. Nobody ever knows. Ever. If you tell your current girlfriend/boyfriend, you destroy the relationship AND the bootycall.
Fuck Buddy. These are the fun ones, and the most dangerous. It's about sex - lots of it, and all the time. After work, before work, all weekend, in Tahoe on a ski weekend (fireplace sex is the BEST), and they're allowed to stay over. Can be ongoing, like a booty call, and will be dusted off between relationships. "Funny, I never met HIM the 3 years we dated? Oh, he's one of THOSE." You might even date, go out, show each other off, but once things get personal, you both know it's time to split up, for now. They're the one person who won't get upset if you say "I met someone..." because they did, too.
Guys and gals, warning. These relationships are treacherous. They CAN and do sometimes get real, and the other person rarely agrees it's time to start sharing the bureau and bathroom. Be open, honest, and make sure you're BOTH on the same page, and the kingdom is yours.
However, for the meek at heart, beware. These are the realtionships where fetishes, fanatsies, and pure unadulterated hedonsim occurs, and it's expected. This is the time for her to try drinking the blood from a wound on your lower belly while she jerks you off, because those bloody vampire movies turn her on in a way she's not ready to deal with. This is the time he'll be into trying threesomes, or more. Do not be offended if he wants to share you, you are his favorite toy, and it's a mark of honor that he's comfy with it. Indulge. But if they rock your polite, standard ideas of what sex is a little too hard, be aware you are in far, far over your head, and you need to back off and either date (foolish exercise that it is) or dabble with SWNS, so you can at least escape his/her chamber of horrors.
Yes folks, this is the one where you get your stories. Love them, live them, respect them. You'd both worked hard.
Friends With Benefits. Yes, that one. Okay, some blunt truth. Women tend to abuse this one to try and trap a guy into a relationship, and guys generally confuse this with Fuck Buddy, Booty Call, and Sex With No Strings - and generally all in one night. Guys, these are going to be tough for you, for one reason: the word "friends". These relationships have a very good shot of turning into a real relationship. See "When Harry Met Sally". This is someone you'd probably be dating, anyway, and the only difference is no sex. Adding sex can be tricky, as it moves the relationship into a grey area, of where you're not sure how you feel.
OR
It's someone you trust utterly, who can share this intimacy with you without freaking out on you, and it'll be your shared secret, one that means something. Yes, guys, sex can be meaningful.
This is one where friendship needs to be present first - a strong friendship that can survive the rocky shore of sexual relations. If your friendship is rocky, chaotic, inconstant, and does not have solid communication skills on both sides, mutual trust and respect, it's just a bad idea to begin with, and it will kill your friendship - one that you generally want to cling to, as they count for far more than fleeting sex.
Of all the women I've had offer this to me, very few of them could handle it, and were confusing the intimacy of friendship with something else. Two i accepted, one worked, one didn't, and horribly. The three I offered it to, I knew could, and it was a warm, enjoyable experience we still smile about and hint at when our SO's aren't around. These are good for times of stress or tradgedy, for the lean times between relationships, and while they tend to be more about married sex than the wild, unbridled fuck buddies, it's very, very good - you know each other, it's that much deeper.
Gals: this is a bad way to find a boyfreind. If he's already a freind, that means you don't want to date him, or you're not sure. Make up your mind before plunging in. If you have any feelings for him, and don't admit it up front, it won't go well. Don't dupe a guy - we hate that. Don't lie. You cannot ASK for this with some guy you just met - they are bred during real friendships that happen outside of your nasty little weekend adventures. (You nasty little girl. Bless you.) Asking for a Friends With Benefits too soon screams one thing to me; someone who cannot be honest about what they're looking for, and is using his/her sexuality, or the lure of it, to bypass the hard work of actually meeting someone, getting to know them, and actually relating to them on various levels. You belong in Casual Encounters, but you need to get real - what you need and all you can handle is a SWNS or a fuck buddy, stop trying to trick people with the lure of sex.
Guys: This is trouble for you, for that "friend" word. Yes, it means you have to be a friend, and all that implies. That means she CAN in fact call you when she's weepy, and you have to listen. That means you're NICE to her, and do nice things for her. It may have even occured to her that you really like her, which is why you're friends with her. This is one you introduce to your family, if they don't know her and adore her already, but as just friends - they'll understand later if that changes. It also means that you won't be having sex all the time - you're freinds, remember? That means doing things with her, like going to the store with her, getting her medicine and soup when she's sick, driving her when her car is in the shop...you know the drill. if any of this irks you, you're not being honest about her, and you need to figure out what you're doing, or negotiate for a different status.
Hope this helps! Feel free to rebutt, reject, or rejoinder!
Friday, October 27, 2006
Toolbelt Diva -- What's the Big Deal?? (And, A Theory is Born)
So I finally saw that show all the guys have been talking about: Toolbelt Diva (Or something like that). Alot of my friends have been watching that show religiously. It is a great buy show. Put together tools and a hottie, and you are onto something. Look at "Home Improvement". Be honest guys, the reason we watched it was because we could relate to Tim being a bumbling fool when it came to handy work, and Pamela Anderson was in it. Take away one of those two aspects, and the show is dead.
A couple of my friends swear this toolbelt diva girl is "A guys dream come true, a hot chick that is good with tools (And I aint talking about personal tools!!!) I even have a friend that is going to Milwaukee this week and he found out she is going to be at some construction/building show in Madison. He is actually making a special trip over to go to that show and see her. His goal is to get a signed picture of her, and a foto of him and her together. What the Hell!!! He is obssessed!!
Anyway, I finally watched it and I have to say, I am not all that impressed. Sorry, but that girl just doesnt do it for me. She is alright, but not a grade A hottie. Now if it was Shakira, Angelina Jolie, or any number of other hotties hosting the show, I would be loving it.
I can't understand the hype and obssession with this girl. I have a theory (Yes, another one of my theories. Trust me, I will have hundreds more) I think that guys are going crazy for this girl just because she is an OK looking woman that likes tools. Put this girl on a sitcom or on an animal channel show, and guys wont even notice her. She would be just another average looking woman on a show. There are some things that add to the hotness points of a girl. A Thong (See one of my previous blogs, lesbianism or being bi, a girl that loves sports, a girl that doesnt care if you are a lazy bum, and a girl that likes the hardware store, etc. These automatically notch a girl up one or two spaces. A 5 turns into a 6 or 7, an 8 turns into a goddess. That is my theory. I think most guys and girls will agree on that one. Let the debating begin.
Saturday, October 21, 2006
Undercover Ass Video
So someone who knows me well sends me a link to this clip, which is basically some chick with a fantastic ass apparently coming out of an airport and wandering into town. (Those who know me know that I am an Ass man!!!) And this isn't the first time I've seen this sort of clip, I have several friends who must surf around video sites all day or something, cause I get several different videos a week; butts, boobs, bike crashes, fights, sports stuff, etc.) I have to wonder how these guys that film this stuff do it. I mean they do this undercover filming, post it on sites like YouTube and then they critique each others' works as if they were comparing Oscar nominated movies. Even more intriguing is the thought process that has to go into this sort of thing. In the aforementioned clip, the guy's clearly got some kinda camera hidden in a briefcase. But how long can you follow someone -- especially in, say, a mall -- before you get discovered? I mean, wouldnt it quickly become obvious after a minute or two.
To be honest, as fucking fantastic as this stuff is -- hey, it saves me the trouble of actually walking around outside staring at these asses myself -- what I'd really love to see is a secret film of the guys who secretly film these ladies' rear ends. I mean, let's learn more about the technique. How are they positioning their brief case? Have any of them evolved to James Bond-esque pen cameras? Screw wasting our valuable technology on searching Mars; what the fuck do I care about red rocks? Channel that money to some of these abudding directors and let's see how quickly they can bring the fine art of voyeur ass photography to its next level.
Okay, now that I've gotten that out of the way, by all that is holy, LOOK AT THIS GIRL. Sweet God Almighty! Baby got Back!!! I lived in Mexico and South America, so I saw this on a daily basis. My buddy who lives in Bolivia sent this one to me. I've I have to admit, I have replayed this clip over a few times. My buddy Todd is a reward to anyone who can identify and locate her.
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
The Mile High Club
A friend of mine and his girlfriend are going on a vacation to Europe in a couple of weeks. He turned to me for some advice. He wanted to know how they could join the mile-high club. I am a card carrying member and he figured maybe I could offer him some tips. I was happy to oblige.
First though, I gotta get a little rant off my chest. Why is it the Mile-High Club?? It isnt like we are doing it in Denver or something. It is on a plane during mid-flight. I think most airlines cruising altitude is between 25,000 and 30,000 feet. That would put it between 5 and 6 miles. Whoever came up with that name is a moron.
Anyway, lets get to the nitty gritty. I am a multiple member of the Mile-High Club. Two times I have done the deed on an airplane. Three times if you include oral sex!!! :)
The first time was coming back from Vegas flying into Dallas. My girl and I were on a late-night redeye. We left Vegas around 11:30. The flight was only a quarter full, if that. There were probably 150 seats and only about 40 passengers. Everyone spread out. We got near the back and had a row of seats to ourselves. We could spread out and rest. Problem was, my girl was a little horny. She started putting her hand in my pants and playing around. So I asked for a blanket, and we used our jackets and she got down there and gave me a tremendous blow-job. Anytime a stewardess or someone would walk down the aisle, I would tap her and she would peak her head out and pretend to be asleep on my lap. After she was done, I put my fingers to work and got her off. It was a pretty satisfying flight for both of us. I still have no clue why we didnt think of going to the bathroom and doing it in there. Oh Well!!!!
The second time was with some girl I had just met. I was traveling around SE Asia for a couple months and had met a girl from the states in Thailand a week before I was to leave. IT must have been a small world cause we found out we were on the same flight back to L.A. We spent that last week together in Thailand, seeing the sights, drinking and partying. But we never had sex while we were there. We made out, messed around a little, but that was it.
We get on the flight and our seats are pretty far apart. I talk a guy into switching with her so we could sit together and the flight wouldnt be so boring. We talked and talked on the flight from Thailand to Singapore. Then we had a layover and we got on our flight from Singapore to LA. It was one of those all night flights. We got into LA around 8 AM, so it was dark and quiet on the flight. Most people fell asleep soon after take off. It was one of those huge 747 planes and we were near the back. There were like 4 or 5 bathrooms in the back.
I was shocked when she asked me if I wanted to join the Mile High Club. Just like that, out of the blue. She said that was something she wanted to do and thought I was a cool guy (See, people think I am cool!!!!) Of course I said Hell Yeah
So she went back to the bathroom first and I watched to see which one she got in. I waited a few minutes, went back and gave a secret knock. Got in there and we went to work. First off, those bathrooms are tiny. You can really only do 3 positions and we did them all. I sat on the toilet and she sat on me, she stood and leaned on the sink and I did her, then she stood and I did her from behind. There isnt a lot of room to move. We did it in about 7 minutes, the longer we took, the more suspicious it would look that both of us were gone from our seat. She snuck out first, then I left a few minutes later. We got back to the seats and surveyed the damage. A couple scrapes and bruises, and I had a sore back, but that was it. Not bad!!!!! Not comfortable either, but not bad!!!!
A Postscript to this part of the story: When we got to LA, we had a short layover before her flight to Idaho and my flight to Austin. I wanted to get her number, but she would only give me her email. I kept pressing for it and she finally confessed that she was engaged!!!! UNBELIEVABLE!!!! The wedding was in less than a month. I actually felt a little used!!! That feeling lasted for a few minutes than it disappeared. I did talk to her a couple of times and we email from time to time. I wish her the best!!!
The last time I did the Mile High Club was a few years ago flying from Chicago to Mexico City. I was flying with a girl who was going to visit her cousins and grandparents in Mexico. I was going to take a little vacation. You could say we wereFuck-Buddies We would get together every once in a while and just have wild, kinky sex. It was great. Anyway, it was much the same as the first sex episode. We snuck back to the bathrooms and did it. This time, we went a little long and took about 10 or 12 minutes. I went out first and a stewardess was there, outside the door. She just smiled and winked. Then said You know the back couple of rows could hear you two slamming against the door and I think I heard a scream. I was frickin Embarrassed!! I went back to the seat and the people sitting across the aisle from us were just smiling and chuckling. Teresa came a minute or two later and the first thing she said was I think everyone knows!!! It was so embarrassing, but now, it is hilarious as hell. I still talk to Teresa and we always reminisce about that episode.
So, finally, my advice for joining the Mile-High Club
1. Sit near the back of the plane
2. Wait until you are sure no one is back there in the bathrooms or waiting for them.
3. Go a few minutes apart.
4. Do it, and get out of there. 5 minutes is an ideal amount of time. Longer and you risk suspicion.
5. Remember, it is close quarters. The two times I did it in the lavoratory, I walked away with bruises and scrapes.
6. Exit separately, and if someone is waiting, tell them you were helping your kid in the bathroom and they are still in there. Hopefully, the other stall will open up before your chica comes out and they can use that one.
7. If you get caught, so what!!! Last I knew, there was no law against having sex in the bathroom of an airplane. ENJOY!!!
GOOD LUCK ROD!!! Hope you two get inducted.
First though, I gotta get a little rant off my chest. Why is it the Mile-High Club?? It isnt like we are doing it in Denver or something. It is on a plane during mid-flight. I think most airlines cruising altitude is between 25,000 and 30,000 feet. That would put it between 5 and 6 miles. Whoever came up with that name is a moron.
Anyway, lets get to the nitty gritty. I am a multiple member of the Mile-High Club. Two times I have done the deed on an airplane. Three times if you include oral sex!!! :)
The first time was coming back from Vegas flying into Dallas. My girl and I were on a late-night redeye. We left Vegas around 11:30. The flight was only a quarter full, if that. There were probably 150 seats and only about 40 passengers. Everyone spread out. We got near the back and had a row of seats to ourselves. We could spread out and rest. Problem was, my girl was a little horny. She started putting her hand in my pants and playing around. So I asked for a blanket, and we used our jackets and she got down there and gave me a tremendous blow-job. Anytime a stewardess or someone would walk down the aisle, I would tap her and she would peak her head out and pretend to be asleep on my lap. After she was done, I put my fingers to work and got her off. It was a pretty satisfying flight for both of us. I still have no clue why we didnt think of going to the bathroom and doing it in there. Oh Well!!!!
The second time was with some girl I had just met. I was traveling around SE Asia for a couple months and had met a girl from the states in Thailand a week before I was to leave. IT must have been a small world cause we found out we were on the same flight back to L.A. We spent that last week together in Thailand, seeing the sights, drinking and partying. But we never had sex while we were there. We made out, messed around a little, but that was it.
We get on the flight and our seats are pretty far apart. I talk a guy into switching with her so we could sit together and the flight wouldnt be so boring. We talked and talked on the flight from Thailand to Singapore. Then we had a layover and we got on our flight from Singapore to LA. It was one of those all night flights. We got into LA around 8 AM, so it was dark and quiet on the flight. Most people fell asleep soon after take off. It was one of those huge 747 planes and we were near the back. There were like 4 or 5 bathrooms in the back.
I was shocked when she asked me if I wanted to join the Mile High Club. Just like that, out of the blue. She said that was something she wanted to do and thought I was a cool guy (See, people think I am cool!!!!) Of course I said Hell Yeah
So she went back to the bathroom first and I watched to see which one she got in. I waited a few minutes, went back and gave a secret knock. Got in there and we went to work. First off, those bathrooms are tiny. You can really only do 3 positions and we did them all. I sat on the toilet and she sat on me, she stood and leaned on the sink and I did her, then she stood and I did her from behind. There isnt a lot of room to move. We did it in about 7 minutes, the longer we took, the more suspicious it would look that both of us were gone from our seat. She snuck out first, then I left a few minutes later. We got back to the seats and surveyed the damage. A couple scrapes and bruises, and I had a sore back, but that was it. Not bad!!!!! Not comfortable either, but not bad!!!!
A Postscript to this part of the story: When we got to LA, we had a short layover before her flight to Idaho and my flight to Austin. I wanted to get her number, but she would only give me her email. I kept pressing for it and she finally confessed that she was engaged!!!! UNBELIEVABLE!!!! The wedding was in less than a month. I actually felt a little used!!! That feeling lasted for a few minutes than it disappeared. I did talk to her a couple of times and we email from time to time. I wish her the best!!!
The last time I did the Mile High Club was a few years ago flying from Chicago to Mexico City. I was flying with a girl who was going to visit her cousins and grandparents in Mexico. I was going to take a little vacation. You could say we wereFuck-Buddies We would get together every once in a while and just have wild, kinky sex. It was great. Anyway, it was much the same as the first sex episode. We snuck back to the bathrooms and did it. This time, we went a little long and took about 10 or 12 minutes. I went out first and a stewardess was there, outside the door. She just smiled and winked. Then said You know the back couple of rows could hear you two slamming against the door and I think I heard a scream. I was frickin Embarrassed!! I went back to the seat and the people sitting across the aisle from us were just smiling and chuckling. Teresa came a minute or two later and the first thing she said was I think everyone knows!!! It was so embarrassing, but now, it is hilarious as hell. I still talk to Teresa and we always reminisce about that episode.
So, finally, my advice for joining the Mile-High Club
1. Sit near the back of the plane
2. Wait until you are sure no one is back there in the bathrooms or waiting for them.
3. Go a few minutes apart.
4. Do it, and get out of there. 5 minutes is an ideal amount of time. Longer and you risk suspicion.
5. Remember, it is close quarters. The two times I did it in the lavoratory, I walked away with bruises and scrapes.
6. Exit separately, and if someone is waiting, tell them you were helping your kid in the bathroom and they are still in there. Hopefully, the other stall will open up before your chica comes out and they can use that one.
7. If you get caught, so what!!! Last I knew, there was no law against having sex in the bathroom of an airplane. ENJOY!!!
GOOD LUCK ROD!!! Hope you two get inducted.
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
What I Love About Women
When it comes to the subject of women, one of the best things I ever heard said on the subject was "I love 'em all. Every goddamned one of 'em." I couldnt agree more. Let's face it; at a very fundamental level, I've been in love with every beautiful woman I've ever met. It's a difficult task to try and elucidate all that I love about women, but I feel that I must give some kind of an explanation, if for no other reason than so you understand why I cannot resist my compunction to run game on every hot girl I meet. So, here's my list.
The way women can make me laugh at goofy ass jokes I would physically abuse one of my guy friends for telling.
Bottom lip biting.
Boy shorts, belly button rings and French manicures.
Bath & Body Works Warm Vanilla Sugar. Like a hormonal bloodhound, I can pick this smell out from a hundred yards, and I cannot explain to you how on board I am with making women smell like dessert.
This piece of body language: You catch a girl you dont know looking at you and she looks straight down before looking away. Translation: You're in.
Girls with Southern accents and their ability to make the simple act of holding a longneck beer on a nice spring day pretty much the hottest thing ever.
How the really hot ones make me forget I have an exceptional vocabulary. A beautiful woman acts upon my brain's language center much the way Godzilla acts upon Tokyo. There is a lot of panic and screaming in a language no one understands, and suddenly the whole place is a smoldering ruin.
Their laughter and how it provokes my non-stop efforts to obtain it.
Internal logic that is utterly incomprehensible to men.
Their ability to make me let my guard down. The right woman can blow a hole a mile wide in my stoicism and I will simultaneously resent, be in awe of and love her for it.
The curve of a hip. Oh, I know most guys are ass men or breast men or whatnot, but something about that sinuous curve of a woman's hip throws me into my most primordial mode of thinking. The current trend of ridiculously low-rise jeans that expose the hips could well be proof that God's not mad at me anymore.
Women make the best friends, because it's like you can talk to them and stuff and then they, like... listen.
That ability women possess to convey five paragraphs of information with a single look.
Inside jokes. Sure, men have inside jokes with their drinking buddies. But something about inside jokes with women is so much more gratifying. It's as though, in some small way, you have managed to decode a tiny bit of that incomprehensible internal logic and dialed directly into her sense of humor.
Self-conscious blushing. Sometimes this is related to an inside joke, but more frequently, it is simply a by-product of the differing ways men and women communicate. Women are subtle, nuanced. Men are direct, and it's usually a direct comment from us that produces a self-conscious blush from them.
Everyone here knows it. Pussy has to be on the list. It just has to be.
Alright, fine. Blowjobs can come along, too.
The way women can, with no effort at all, either inspire or stop violence.
How, in the end, my type doesn't really matter. We all know I like my women Southern and blonde or Latina and Brunette, just as we all know that my head has snapped around on many a redhead. There is no telling who I'll find attractive on a day to day basis, and that's what makes women wonderful as a group; every one is an adventure. I really find all types of women attractive
Women make me cooler than the other side of the pillow. Without women in my life, I wouldn't know how to dress, how to behave or which celebrities are screwing this week.
How, despite their best efforts, they can't make me stop believing, at some deep-down level, in the concept of love.
Lip gloss. Lipstick is alright, I guess, but I have a strong predilection towards lip gloss. Lips that shiny and full scream "kiss me", and there is no way in hell I am going to disobey.
Her bathroom. I am a visitor in a strange land the moment I set foot inside a woman's bathroom. There is approximately $15,000 worth of product in there whose purposes cannot be readily surmised by the average heterosexual male. None the less, I know it all helps her look and smell the way she does, which makes my happy place tingly.
Her moods. As indecipherable as the tides, and every bit as intriguing, it is incumbent upon men to stay one step ahead of a woman's moods. We fail miserably at this task, and really... we're sort of okay with that.
Their recognition that, at many levels, we're really not ever going to grow up, and really... they're sort of okay with that.
I could do this all day, but now it is y'all's turn (and yes, thats the correct usage of the plural possessive of y'all). I didn't even scratch the surface of everything there is to love about women, so talk amongst yourselves about anything I overlooked. No misogynistic bullshit, guys. We're saving that for a whole 'nother blog.
The way women can make me laugh at goofy ass jokes I would physically abuse one of my guy friends for telling.
Bottom lip biting.
Boy shorts, belly button rings and French manicures.
Bath & Body Works Warm Vanilla Sugar. Like a hormonal bloodhound, I can pick this smell out from a hundred yards, and I cannot explain to you how on board I am with making women smell like dessert.
This piece of body language: You catch a girl you dont know looking at you and she looks straight down before looking away. Translation: You're in.
Girls with Southern accents and their ability to make the simple act of holding a longneck beer on a nice spring day pretty much the hottest thing ever.
How the really hot ones make me forget I have an exceptional vocabulary. A beautiful woman acts upon my brain's language center much the way Godzilla acts upon Tokyo. There is a lot of panic and screaming in a language no one understands, and suddenly the whole place is a smoldering ruin.
Their laughter and how it provokes my non-stop efforts to obtain it.
Internal logic that is utterly incomprehensible to men.
Their ability to make me let my guard down. The right woman can blow a hole a mile wide in my stoicism and I will simultaneously resent, be in awe of and love her for it.
The curve of a hip. Oh, I know most guys are ass men or breast men or whatnot, but something about that sinuous curve of a woman's hip throws me into my most primordial mode of thinking. The current trend of ridiculously low-rise jeans that expose the hips could well be proof that God's not mad at me anymore.
Women make the best friends, because it's like you can talk to them and stuff and then they, like... listen.
That ability women possess to convey five paragraphs of information with a single look.
Inside jokes. Sure, men have inside jokes with their drinking buddies. But something about inside jokes with women is so much more gratifying. It's as though, in some small way, you have managed to decode a tiny bit of that incomprehensible internal logic and dialed directly into her sense of humor.
Self-conscious blushing. Sometimes this is related to an inside joke, but more frequently, it is simply a by-product of the differing ways men and women communicate. Women are subtle, nuanced. Men are direct, and it's usually a direct comment from us that produces a self-conscious blush from them.
Everyone here knows it. Pussy has to be on the list. It just has to be.
Alright, fine. Blowjobs can come along, too.
The way women can, with no effort at all, either inspire or stop violence.
How, in the end, my type doesn't really matter. We all know I like my women Southern and blonde or Latina and Brunette, just as we all know that my head has snapped around on many a redhead. There is no telling who I'll find attractive on a day to day basis, and that's what makes women wonderful as a group; every one is an adventure. I really find all types of women attractive
Women make me cooler than the other side of the pillow. Without women in my life, I wouldn't know how to dress, how to behave or which celebrities are screwing this week.
How, despite their best efforts, they can't make me stop believing, at some deep-down level, in the concept of love.
Lip gloss. Lipstick is alright, I guess, but I have a strong predilection towards lip gloss. Lips that shiny and full scream "kiss me", and there is no way in hell I am going to disobey.
Her bathroom. I am a visitor in a strange land the moment I set foot inside a woman's bathroom. There is approximately $15,000 worth of product in there whose purposes cannot be readily surmised by the average heterosexual male. None the less, I know it all helps her look and smell the way she does, which makes my happy place tingly.
Her moods. As indecipherable as the tides, and every bit as intriguing, it is incumbent upon men to stay one step ahead of a woman's moods. We fail miserably at this task, and really... we're sort of okay with that.
Their recognition that, at many levels, we're really not ever going to grow up, and really... they're sort of okay with that.
I could do this all day, but now it is y'all's turn (and yes, thats the correct usage of the plural possessive of y'all). I didn't even scratch the surface of everything there is to love about women, so talk amongst yourselves about anything I overlooked. No misogynistic bullshit, guys. We're saving that for a whole 'nother blog.
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
Screw Jello Shots. Bring me some Gummy Bears!!
I went to a few parties last weekend in Austin. It was pretty much the typical college party scene. It really hasn't changed much since I graduated. But I did discover something new. On Friday night, I was at a party that had gummy bears and other stuff . I found out Jello shots are starting to fade away. "Jello shots are fun, but it's a process to make them AND another process to eat them. They get all messy, leave your hands sticky, and they are just a paini in the ass" I was told by some young party goer. So that is how I discovered an alternative to those slippery, fruity drunk-makers. Gummy candy soaked in vodka, or everclear.
This party had gummy worms soaked in vodka. Then, they brought out some gummy bears soaked in everclear. Those little guys pack a serious alcohol punch but they're sweet and easy going down.
Saturday morning, we found some gummy bears at the house we were staying at. So I decided to give it whirl myself. I filled up a plastic container with enough vodka to submerge them. Then I just let it sit for about 10 hours. The bears went from small and hard to bloated and gushy is no time. They soaked up all the liquid nicely so nothing was wasted. They were perfect to take to the football game. No alcohol allowed, but they would never make us trash gummy bears. We filled up a few bags full of them and it worked. We were the hit of our section!! They are so addicting. People at the game were getting buzzed off of nothing but gummy bears.
These things make a great party starter. I highly recommend bringing booze soaked gummies to the next party you attend. And anytime you need to sneak some booze in somewhere, like a football game, movie theater, a boring college course on a Friday afternoon, bring some of these. They are guaranteed to get you started.
This party had gummy worms soaked in vodka. Then, they brought out some gummy bears soaked in everclear. Those little guys pack a serious alcohol punch but they're sweet and easy going down.
Saturday morning, we found some gummy bears at the house we were staying at. So I decided to give it whirl myself. I filled up a plastic container with enough vodka to submerge them. Then I just let it sit for about 10 hours. The bears went from small and hard to bloated and gushy is no time. They soaked up all the liquid nicely so nothing was wasted. They were perfect to take to the football game. No alcohol allowed, but they would never make us trash gummy bears. We filled up a few bags full of them and it worked. We were the hit of our section!! They are so addicting. People at the game were getting buzzed off of nothing but gummy bears.
These things make a great party starter. I highly recommend bringing booze soaked gummies to the next party you attend. And anytime you need to sneak some booze in somewhere, like a football game, movie theater, a boring college course on a Friday afternoon, bring some of these. They are guaranteed to get you started.
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