I Love Soccer!!!

ENOUGH SAID!!

What a Fridge!!!

I dont know about you, but that is my kind of fridge. The only thing in it is beer and whipped cream.

What? What did you say? A girl in a thong?... Oh yeah, I see that now. That isn't bad either.

Free Advice Fridays

Dear E: Whenever my girlfriend gets drunk, she's all over her roommate. Her roommate's a girl also, which seems pretty cool, but she's sometimes so busy making out with and feeling up her roomie she almost forgets I'm in the room. I used to think it was for show, but she does it even when it's just the three of us hanging out. Should I be nervous that my girlfriend's gonna switch teams on me?

Buddy, the only thing you should be concerned about is that she might start feeling up her roomie and you're not around to see it. Honestly, who the fuck complains that his girlfriend makes out with other hot young women? I know many guys who would kill to be in your position, and most would be trying to find a way to take it all to the next level, scheming some bizarre scenario involving a kiddie pool full of whipped cream, dog leashes, fireworks, leather straps and masks, Crisco oil, cheerleader outfits and a full-on game of "twister." You should be, too. And if you're not taking it upon yourself to film it all to share with your buddies later, then you're not much of a friend at all. Get with the program Dude!!

The Lovely Miss Hilton

I think Paris must have picked up a case of the crabs!!! What a classy lady.

Doing it on the First Date, Go for It!!

In my opinion, it just cuts to the chase.

Consider this: Relationships aren't all about sex, but that's a big part of it. I mean, you wouldn't date and/or marry someone who wasn't fairly good in bed, correct? Now I know there are a few people that will say "But it is all about love, sex isnt important" I am all for love. It is super important. I would say it is the most important thing. But, for most people, sex is right up there. A relationship with terrible sex is doomed 80% of the time (That is my estimate).

I know of two relationships where they waited until they were married for sex. Both of them ended in divorce. One was because of sex. It was the girl who said she wanted more and better quality, so she started screwing around. The other was a combination of things, but one of them was that the sex was boring. I know there are many relationships in which they have waited to have sex and the relationships survived. And that is great. As for me, I want to test drive the car before buying it, you know what I mean. And it seems most of them women I know feel the same way.

Now, there are certain things about people – let's call them "personal quirks" – that might take a while to reveal themselves. Maybe she likes to pick fights with football players when she's drunk and you have to step in to defend her (And get your ass kicked). Maybe he likes to paint "Yankees 4 Eva" on his ass and sprint naked through the yard after each Yankee victory (Being a Yankee should doom the relationship right there. Frickin Yankees!!). Maybe she keeps voodoo dolls of all her ex-boyfriends in the attic and periodically sticks pins in them. All potential deal breakers – but also the sort of things that don't become apparent 'til a few weeks or months into the relationship. But a bad fuck? You'll be able to spot that sucka the minute you get rolling.

So while some might consider you "slutty" for screwing on the first date, I would prefer to think of you as a cautious consumer, who's simply performing responsible consumerism. Party on!

The Ass Man Returns

The new object of my affection -- and the reason I'm going to die of carpal tunnel syndrome -- is here.

Also, how exactly did women show off their asses to the entire free world before YouTube? Clearly, this is why Al Gore and Mike Nesmith invented the Internet.

This girl doesnt have the moves, but she doesnt need them with an ass like that!!

Spring is Here and so are the Hotties

So with the onset of Spring weather I've decided to discuss a topic near and dear to my heart: hot girls. Blonde or brunette, white, latino, asian, or black, tall or short, I don't discriminate. But I have a question for all the hot girls out there. Where do you go during the winter?

This question confounds me every year. I go through the whole seasonal depression as do many because I hate the cold weather and it destroys my soul. If there were beautiful women all around I feel I could manage it better and not think of running away to the Caribbean to become a bartender or cabana boy.

Do good looking girls hibernate like bears all winter long?? Do you acquire boyfriends and simply stay in all winter? Do you hate the cold weather as much as me and refuse to venture out in it? It saddens me that good looking girls disappear in the winter. Girls in nice sweaters is a good look. Girls all bundled up in large coats, hats, and scarves, is also extremely cute. Instead it seems like girls revert to the blah, drab colors in the winter. And the hotties just disappear.

I frequent coffee shops a lot (gotta get the java goin through the veins), and it's clear good looking girls are not there in excess in the winter as opposed to spring. Yes, there are one or two, but not like springtime. Bars and clubs definitely do not impress at all compared to the warmer months either. Even more confusing is the gym. During the winter when everyone gains weight, the gym has less hot girls. I'd figure the girls would be working hard to stay hot over the winter so they can show off in the summer. The gym is absolutely packed now with the onset of the warm weather whereas the crowd was a lot sparser in the winter.

Is there some hot girl paradise in the winter that I am not aware of like in Seinfeld when George discovers the meat-packing warehouse that is a club for beautiful models?? Do girls migrate south like birds and return in the warmer months to their natural habitat? I feel I will never know the truth about this phenomenon. The only reasonable explanation I have is that girls are like camels. They store up all their energy during the winter in anticipation of the summer where they are seemingly everywhere all the time. As I walk around the mall, there are a lot better looking girls shopping. Girls are also packing the gym in droves. Hotties can be seen running down the streets and eating out more. As the weather improves so will come the suntanners and even better, the short skirts and shorts. And, the inevitble showing of the Thong!!! Spring is upon us, and I am happy because the hot girls have returned again this year.

God Bless You ALL!!!