American Idol: The Judges

I used to hold my hatred for American Idol in the highest regards, but now I do have to admit that I watch the show when they have the auditions, but that is it. Once they go to Hollywood, I tune it out. That being said, I refuse to relinquish my intellectual superiority to the roughly 35 million citizens who share this common thread with me. Let us analyze the American Idol Judges:

1. Randy Jackson: Ya, ya he's a black guy that talks like a white guy talking like a black guy. HAHAHA. Real observant. What people don't know is that he has worked in the music biz for over 20 years, and is responsible for over 1000 gold/platinum albums, as well as over 200 million sales. He has toured and written/produced most of the huge songs performed by Mariah Carey, Whitney Houston, Celine Dion, *NSYNC, Madonna, Elton John, Destiny's Child and countless others. This judge can best be described as a human tuning fork, capable of noticing even the most subtle variances in the entire vocal range of the human voice. He didn't get on this show by accident, he is an amazing musician. Dawg.

2. Paula Abdul: Straight up now tell me do you really wanna hear a candy coated version of the truth? OH OH OH. Paula strikes me as the musical equivalent of Will Rogers, she's never met a singer she didn't like. Excuse me, I should say ADORE. She suffers from a deplorable excess of niceness; she could probably come up with 10 good things to say about Hitler on the spot if you asked her to. In my opinion, she has no business being on the show, there are plenty of other performers who would do it better justice than paula. Not to mention the fact that every week she encourages the audience to verbally assault Simon, while she goes a step further and actually hits him. Many find this to be cute, however if the opposite were the case, the authorities would call it battery. Plus, how much does it cost to get a mole removed? Oh well, opposites attract I suppose.

3. Simon Cowell: This guy really pisses me off. But not for the reason you think. Every week Americans are proven to be the imbeciles that 99 percent of us are by an ENGLISHMAN. That chaps my hide, as well as makes me wonder how exactly it was that we won the Revolutionary War. If Simon had been in charge instead of Lord Cornwallis, you'd probably be sipping tea past your bad teeth right now. As soon as Simon starts to speak, you can almost feel the wave of boos and hisses reminiscent of a 1930's murder mystery coming from the slack-jawed yokels behind him. If these assholes would shut their damn mouths, they would realize that despite the rather mild insults he uses (accompanied by his superior vocabulary), he actually gives suggestions to the morons that will keep them on the show. Simon's resume is equally impressive as Randy's and despite his reputation as an asshole, is most likely a contestant's best bet for not getting eliminated the following week.

Lastly, we have Ryan Seacrest. Seacrest is one of the many people on network television whose mother's medical plans I personally wish had included the option of abortion. Each week he puts forth his fake smile and quippy little banter that includes attacks on Simon's personal life that have neither relevancy nor appropriateness given the context of the venue. In short, Seacrest is that little dorky asshole in high school that always had dreams of not being picked on, and has somehow lucked his way into pseudo-fame yet lacks the talent and charisma necessary to not be hated by the entire world.