I have this cousin, nice guy, but sometimes he is a little stupid. Anyway, he came to visit us this weekend and we all went out. Last night we all were partying and got pretty messed up. He actually separates from us and goes with this girl. I heard him come home at about 4 AM. This morning, he comes out to eat breakfast and his hand is all orange. I ask what the fuck is the matter and the rest are his words:
"Well I'm not going to say what I did but It was some good stuff. This girl and I were messing around, but then her freakin parents come home. They had been to a wedding reception and she thought they were already home and in bed. So we had to stop and I snuck out. What we were doing, It made me extremely horny, and I had to ...well you know. There wasnt any getting around it, I HAD TOO! I race to your house and I can't stand it. So i went into the bathroom and grabbed some lotion, ran back into the guest bedroom. Everything was all good, and when all was said and done I took a shower went to sleep. Well I wake up today, and go to the bathroom. I look down at my hand, and the whole thing is bright orange! My fingernails and everything! So I go to the bathroom and look at the lotion and it was freakin self tanner! So now two parts of my body are bright, bright, bright orange!!!!! I tried to scrub it off but I can't. I guess that I just have ta let it wear off. I am so embarrased! And I have to go home to my parents in a couple hours. I have no clue what I am going to tell them."
Just to clarify the only reason i'm telling everyone about this is because it was so freaking funny, I was laughing for an hour. He ended up using the tanning lotion that we had. His lower stomach and his dick and balls are orange. It is hilarious. He is 19, but still lives with his parents. I cant wait to see their reaction and hear his excuse!!!
Friday, December 29, 2006
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
Only the Crazies Live Anywhere Else
There he goes again, that fucking redneck. Always bragging about Texas, like any of us give a damn. And if I had anything else at all to do right now I'd move the fuck on. Lucky for him I'm almost as big a loser as he is.
Beaumont to El Paso: 742 miles
Beaumont to Chicago: 770 miles
El Paso is closer to California than to Dallas
World's first rodeo was in Pecos... July 4, 1883.
The Flagship Hotel in Galveston is the only hotel in North America built over water.
The Heisman Trophy was named after John William Heisman who was the first full time coach for Rice University in Houston.
Brazoria County has more species of birds than any other area in North America.
Aransas Wildlife Refuge is the winter home of North America's only remaining flock of whooping cranes.
Jalapeno jelly originated in Lake Jackson in 1978.
The worst natural disaster in U.S. history was in 1900 caused by a hurricane in which over 8000 lives were lost on Galveston Island.
The first word spoken from the moon, July 20, 1969, was "Houston."
King Ranch is larger than Rhode Island.
Tropical Storm Claudette brought a US. rainfall record of 43" in 24 hours in and around Alvin in July 1979.
Texas is the only state to enter the U.S. by TREATY, instead of by annexation. (This allows the Texas flag to fly at the same height as the US flag.)
A Live Oak tree near Fulton is estimated to be 1500 years old.
Dr Pepper was invented in Waco in 1885 and there is no period after Dr in Dr Pepper.
Texas has had six capital cities:
1. Washington-on-the-Brazos
2. Harrisburg
3. Galveston
4. Velasco
5. West Columbia
6. Austin
The Capitol Dome in Austin is the only dome in the U.S which is taller than the Capitol Building in Washington D.C. (by 7 feet).
The name Texas comes from the Hasini Indian word "tejas" meaning friends.
Tejas is not Spanish for Texas.
The State animal is the Armadillo. (An interesting bit of trivia about the armadillo is that it always has four babies. It has one egg which splits into four and it either has four males or four females. Fuck you, I thought it was interesting anyway.)
The first domed stadium in the U.S. was the Astrodome in Houston.
The University of Texas are the defending NCAA Football Champions.
Beaumont to El Paso: 742 miles
Beaumont to Chicago: 770 miles
El Paso is closer to California than to Dallas
World's first rodeo was in Pecos... July 4, 1883.
The Flagship Hotel in Galveston is the only hotel in North America built over water.
The Heisman Trophy was named after John William Heisman who was the first full time coach for Rice University in Houston.
Brazoria County has more species of birds than any other area in North America.
Aransas Wildlife Refuge is the winter home of North America's only remaining flock of whooping cranes.
Jalapeno jelly originated in Lake Jackson in 1978.
The worst natural disaster in U.S. history was in 1900 caused by a hurricane in which over 8000 lives were lost on Galveston Island.
The first word spoken from the moon, July 20, 1969, was "Houston."
King Ranch is larger than Rhode Island.
Tropical Storm Claudette brought a US. rainfall record of 43" in 24 hours in and around Alvin in July 1979.
Texas is the only state to enter the U.S. by TREATY, instead of by annexation. (This allows the Texas flag to fly at the same height as the US flag.)
A Live Oak tree near Fulton is estimated to be 1500 years old.
Dr Pepper was invented in Waco in 1885 and there is no period after Dr in Dr Pepper.
Texas has had six capital cities:
1. Washington-on-the-Brazos
2. Harrisburg
3. Galveston
4. Velasco
5. West Columbia
6. Austin
The Capitol Dome in Austin is the only dome in the U.S which is taller than the Capitol Building in Washington D.C. (by 7 feet).
The name Texas comes from the Hasini Indian word "tejas" meaning friends.
Tejas is not Spanish for Texas.
The State animal is the Armadillo. (An interesting bit of trivia about the armadillo is that it always has four babies. It has one egg which splits into four and it either has four males or four females. Fuck you, I thought it was interesting anyway.)
The first domed stadium in the U.S. was the Astrodome in Houston.
The University of Texas are the defending NCAA Football Champions.
Wednesday, December 6, 2006
Hot Chicks and Dorky Guys
Is it just me, or is the dorky-guys-with-cute-chicks ratio officially off the charts? It started out in the imaginary world of TV, where balding, beer-bellied dolts like Jim Belushi, the King of Queens guy, and some guy from some other show could land aging but still quite hot women like Courtney Thorne-Smith, Leah Remini (Although she has gained a little weight, she is still cute) and Jami Gertz. Now it seems to have spilled out into real life, where I am constantly amazed at how many dorks and near-gimps have hooked up with women who wouldn't give them the time of day in high school.
Last week, I saw one of the hottest girls that I went to high school with. She was a cheerleader, smart, witty, athletic, and damn good lookin. She was with her husband. DAMN!!! He was the dorkiest guy I had ever seen. I mean he was a pure nerd. Skinny, glasses, curly hair. I swear he was Napoleon Dynamites older, darker haired brother!!!!! I would have expected her to marry a pro football player, or a handsome doctor, or something like that. This guy didnt even have a mega high profile job. He was a frickin school teacher, just like me!!!!! Unbelievable!!!!!!
I guess everyone has a chance.
Last week, I saw one of the hottest girls that I went to high school with. She was a cheerleader, smart, witty, athletic, and damn good lookin. She was with her husband. DAMN!!! He was the dorkiest guy I had ever seen. I mean he was a pure nerd. Skinny, glasses, curly hair. I swear he was Napoleon Dynamites older, darker haired brother!!!!! I would have expected her to marry a pro football player, or a handsome doctor, or something like that. This guy didnt even have a mega high profile job. He was a frickin school teacher, just like me!!!!! Unbelievable!!!!!!
I guess everyone has a chance.
Monday, December 4, 2006
Courtyard Pool Orgy
This one happened on West Campus in September 1991.Austin, TX
There is a student apartment complex in West Campus called Orange Tree, right by frat row. I was over at a buddy of mine's house drinking with a bunch of people, and we just opened the door so people could go in and out to smoke. In stumble these three trashed sorority pledges (their house is right next door). One's hot, one's cute, the other one looked cute with beer goggles. Talk about easy pickins! My buddy Brett was already talking closely with the hot one, leaving the other two.
About 8-10 drinks later, cute and beer goggles start talking about how much they like to kiss each other. I say jokingly "I'd pay a dollar to see that," to which I got an unexpected "sure!" in reply. At this point I'm pondering how I can best take advantage of these sorostitutes, and quickly add that I'll throw in another buck if I can join in, and they went along with that too. I gave them 2 bucks and started making out with both of them at the same time. At this point many of my friends were pleasantly surprised (and impressed) at this turn of events.
Now, we are all drunk off our asses and I see the girls are getting super horny!! I make my move and I convinced them to get in the pool, at the time inhabited only by one lone couple we didn't know. I was with the two girls and start to finger bang both of them while Brett makes out with the third one. My one friend didn't have one, so I pushed one away and gave her to him. Before you know it, I'm screwing the one I have left, my two friends are with theirs, and the couple in the pool are going at it. This pool is in the dead center of the courtyard, everyone's front doors face it. So as 2:30 rolled around people who were getting home from 6th Street, started walking by and cheering on the orgy in the pool. After the pool orgy, we all parted ways. I took my girl back to my place and we screwed till about 6 am.
I woke up the next morning and remembered the pool event, but I was shocked to find the girl in the apartment. I didnt even remember her name, so I rummaged through her purse that was in the living room and found her drivers license (I didnt want to look like a bad guy). Glad I did. She woke up and had no clue where she was, though she did remember the pool. I dont think she knew my name either and she seemed a little embarrassed cause I kept calling her by her name and she would just call me baby or some other generic name. We took a shower together and screwed again, then I took her home. Best $2 I ever spent, period.
There is a student apartment complex in West Campus called Orange Tree, right by frat row. I was over at a buddy of mine's house drinking with a bunch of people, and we just opened the door so people could go in and out to smoke. In stumble these three trashed sorority pledges (their house is right next door). One's hot, one's cute, the other one looked cute with beer goggles. Talk about easy pickins! My buddy Brett was already talking closely with the hot one, leaving the other two.
About 8-10 drinks later, cute and beer goggles start talking about how much they like to kiss each other. I say jokingly "I'd pay a dollar to see that," to which I got an unexpected "sure!" in reply. At this point I'm pondering how I can best take advantage of these sorostitutes, and quickly add that I'll throw in another buck if I can join in, and they went along with that too. I gave them 2 bucks and started making out with both of them at the same time. At this point many of my friends were pleasantly surprised (and impressed) at this turn of events.
Now, we are all drunk off our asses and I see the girls are getting super horny!! I make my move and I convinced them to get in the pool, at the time inhabited only by one lone couple we didn't know. I was with the two girls and start to finger bang both of them while Brett makes out with the third one. My one friend didn't have one, so I pushed one away and gave her to him. Before you know it, I'm screwing the one I have left, my two friends are with theirs, and the couple in the pool are going at it. This pool is in the dead center of the courtyard, everyone's front doors face it. So as 2:30 rolled around people who were getting home from 6th Street, started walking by and cheering on the orgy in the pool. After the pool orgy, we all parted ways. I took my girl back to my place and we screwed till about 6 am.
I woke up the next morning and remembered the pool event, but I was shocked to find the girl in the apartment. I didnt even remember her name, so I rummaged through her purse that was in the living room and found her drivers license (I didnt want to look like a bad guy). Glad I did. She woke up and had no clue where she was, though she did remember the pool. I dont think she knew my name either and she seemed a little embarrassed cause I kept calling her by her name and she would just call me baby or some other generic name. We took a shower together and screwed again, then I took her home. Best $2 I ever spent, period.
Saturday, November 11, 2006
Whacky New Fetish?!?!?!
Every Wednesday night, my buddies and I get together to play some poker and drink a few beers. We usually have between 5 and 7 guys. It is a time to get together and do guy things, which means gambling, drinking, talking about sports, women, and sex. For about 2 or 3 hours, that is our lives.
Anyway, last Wednesday we get together and we start talking about sex and some of the weird things weve done. We are talking about the usually; sex in cars, outdoors, in the shower, etc. Nothing out of the ordinary really.
Then, JR drops a bombshell!!!!! He tells us that sometimes he jacks off and cums on the girl that he is sleeping with. I was shocked at first, but then I figure it must be something he has done once or twice and that is it. He confesses that it is a habit with him. Sometimes, he will wait till the chick falls asleeps, then he masturbrates and shoots his load on the girls clothes or body, etc. According to him, he does it often, and most of the time, the girl wakes up in the morning and doesnt even know he has done it.
We are all sitting there, open mouthed. SHOCKED!!! This just seemed too weird. Then Gary, another player (BTW, these are not the real names since they may be embarrassed by this) tells us he has done that a few times. WHAT THE HELL IS THE WORLD COMING TO???
I guess I can understand if you are hot and heavy and then the girl decided to stop before you finish the deed. Maybe you finish it on your own. Or if she passes out while doin it. I can see that scenario. Or, we discussed the scenario where the girl turns into a psycho-bitch and you shoot a load in her hair after she falls asleep (Ladies, you know how much of a mess that is). But doing that crap on a regular basis?? Weird!!
So the nights poker is ruined as we spend about an hour discussing this topic. We conclude it must be some kind of fetish. I mean why jack-off with a girl lying next to you when you could do it solo. I have done a lot of wild, kinky sex stuff, but I have never jacked off onto a sleeping girl. Hell, I have only jacked off in front of a girl a couple of times and that was because she was hot and begged me to let her watch( and she had to finish the deed).. I guess there are some girls that get super excited watching guys Jack-off
So, I would like to get a little discussion going on this blog. I know I have a lot of readers, but not too many people make comments. Those that do, I thank you and I will try and get a comment back to you. Guys, if you have done this or know someone that has and arent shy about talking about it, post it here.
Girls, if you have had this done to you or suspect someone did this to you, post it here. Lets talk about this. I am going to have to look it up, but we may have discovered a whole new category of fetishes!!!!!!!!!!!
Anyway, last Wednesday we get together and we start talking about sex and some of the weird things weve done. We are talking about the usually; sex in cars, outdoors, in the shower, etc. Nothing out of the ordinary really.
Then, JR drops a bombshell!!!!! He tells us that sometimes he jacks off and cums on the girl that he is sleeping with. I was shocked at first, but then I figure it must be something he has done once or twice and that is it. He confesses that it is a habit with him. Sometimes, he will wait till the chick falls asleeps, then he masturbrates and shoots his load on the girls clothes or body, etc. According to him, he does it often, and most of the time, the girl wakes up in the morning and doesnt even know he has done it.
We are all sitting there, open mouthed. SHOCKED!!! This just seemed too weird. Then Gary, another player (BTW, these are not the real names since they may be embarrassed by this) tells us he has done that a few times. WHAT THE HELL IS THE WORLD COMING TO???
I guess I can understand if you are hot and heavy and then the girl decided to stop before you finish the deed. Maybe you finish it on your own. Or if she passes out while doin it. I can see that scenario. Or, we discussed the scenario where the girl turns into a psycho-bitch and you shoot a load in her hair after she falls asleep (Ladies, you know how much of a mess that is). But doing that crap on a regular basis?? Weird!!
So the nights poker is ruined as we spend about an hour discussing this topic. We conclude it must be some kind of fetish. I mean why jack-off with a girl lying next to you when you could do it solo. I have done a lot of wild, kinky sex stuff, but I have never jacked off onto a sleeping girl. Hell, I have only jacked off in front of a girl a couple of times and that was because she was hot and begged me to let her watch( and she had to finish the deed).. I guess there are some girls that get super excited watching guys Jack-off
So, I would like to get a little discussion going on this blog. I know I have a lot of readers, but not too many people make comments. Those that do, I thank you and I will try and get a comment back to you. Guys, if you have done this or know someone that has and arent shy about talking about it, post it here.
Girls, if you have had this done to you or suspect someone did this to you, post it here. Lets talk about this. I am going to have to look it up, but we may have discovered a whole new category of fetishes!!!!!!!!!!!
Thursday, November 2, 2006
Casual Sex Definitions
Only us overeducated and neurotic Americans can fuck up something simple as casual sex, and all over definitions. So, as a public service, here follows the definitions of some (some is key here) of the sexual liaisons available to the discerning American:
Sex With No Strings. Pretty simple, and to the point - humping. Lots of it. Usually in one session - thus, no strings. In other words, no expectations of future humping, unless a new relationship is negotiated. SWNS means I will not a call you later, I will not meet your parents, and no, you can't sleep over (in my t-shirt no less). This is the traditional One Night Stand, folks, it just doesn't have to start in a bar, nor do you need to be drunk.
Guys, it has been my experience that if you do not just shoot your load, and instantly ask when the next bus runs outside, and you actually act like you care, the lady might reward you with an upgrade to fuck buddy status(see below). This category is often the one that you end up calling later, drunk, horny, and confused. This is also the one that is "use once, throw away". Unless it's so good, you have to go back...usually you can decide this 30 seconds after you cum...then it's upgrade time.
Gals. This is NOT A RELATIONSHIP. STOP telling your girlfriends about the awesome guy you met last night, he's not calling you again. Yes, he used you. You used him right back. Enjoy the power. These are hook ups you don't talk about, nor do you take them around to meet your pals for drinks the next day. You hump, they leave. Simple.
Booty Call: This is someone you've SWNS'ed, or dated. Maybe you were married. Or she is married or dating, or you work together. Or you both are involved with someone else. This is someone you can call anytime, day or night, and chances are, you will get laid. You have one or two of these, right? Everyone does. Anyone who's dating someone else, and it's the first year, dreads these. We all know who are they. We have ours.
Guys and Gals - these happen FROM previous relationships. Stop asking for them, you're putting the horse before the cart. One of the important things here is, A., you know calling them is okay, and vice versa, and B., you know what they're like in bed, they're acceptable to you, and there will be no uncomfortable "surprises" at the door if they come over. Slow it down, Speed Racer, and try SWNS first. And finally, these are the super, super secret ones. Nobody ever knows. Ever. If you tell your current girlfriend/boyfriend, you destroy the relationship AND the bootycall.
Fuck Buddy. These are the fun ones, and the most dangerous. It's about sex - lots of it, and all the time. After work, before work, all weekend, in Tahoe on a ski weekend (fireplace sex is the BEST), and they're allowed to stay over. Can be ongoing, like a booty call, and will be dusted off between relationships. "Funny, I never met HIM the 3 years we dated? Oh, he's one of THOSE." You might even date, go out, show each other off, but once things get personal, you both know it's time to split up, for now. They're the one person who won't get upset if you say "I met someone..." because they did, too.
Guys and gals, warning. These relationships are treacherous. They CAN and do sometimes get real, and the other person rarely agrees it's time to start sharing the bureau and bathroom. Be open, honest, and make sure you're BOTH on the same page, and the kingdom is yours.
However, for the meek at heart, beware. These are the realtionships where fetishes, fanatsies, and pure unadulterated hedonsim occurs, and it's expected. This is the time for her to try drinking the blood from a wound on your lower belly while she jerks you off, because those bloody vampire movies turn her on in a way she's not ready to deal with. This is the time he'll be into trying threesomes, or more. Do not be offended if he wants to share you, you are his favorite toy, and it's a mark of honor that he's comfy with it. Indulge. But if they rock your polite, standard ideas of what sex is a little too hard, be aware you are in far, far over your head, and you need to back off and either date (foolish exercise that it is) or dabble with SWNS, so you can at least escape his/her chamber of horrors.
Yes folks, this is the one where you get your stories. Love them, live them, respect them. You'd both worked hard.
Friends With Benefits. Yes, that one. Okay, some blunt truth. Women tend to abuse this one to try and trap a guy into a relationship, and guys generally confuse this with Fuck Buddy, Booty Call, and Sex With No Strings - and generally all in one night. Guys, these are going to be tough for you, for one reason: the word "friends". These relationships have a very good shot of turning into a real relationship. See "When Harry Met Sally". This is someone you'd probably be dating, anyway, and the only difference is no sex. Adding sex can be tricky, as it moves the relationship into a grey area, of where you're not sure how you feel.
OR
It's someone you trust utterly, who can share this intimacy with you without freaking out on you, and it'll be your shared secret, one that means something. Yes, guys, sex can be meaningful.
This is one where friendship needs to be present first - a strong friendship that can survive the rocky shore of sexual relations. If your friendship is rocky, chaotic, inconstant, and does not have solid communication skills on both sides, mutual trust and respect, it's just a bad idea to begin with, and it will kill your friendship - one that you generally want to cling to, as they count for far more than fleeting sex.
Of all the women I've had offer this to me, very few of them could handle it, and were confusing the intimacy of friendship with something else. Two i accepted, one worked, one didn't, and horribly. The three I offered it to, I knew could, and it was a warm, enjoyable experience we still smile about and hint at when our SO's aren't around. These are good for times of stress or tradgedy, for the lean times between relationships, and while they tend to be more about married sex than the wild, unbridled fuck buddies, it's very, very good - you know each other, it's that much deeper.
Gals: this is a bad way to find a boyfreind. If he's already a freind, that means you don't want to date him, or you're not sure. Make up your mind before plunging in. If you have any feelings for him, and don't admit it up front, it won't go well. Don't dupe a guy - we hate that. Don't lie. You cannot ASK for this with some guy you just met - they are bred during real friendships that happen outside of your nasty little weekend adventures. (You nasty little girl. Bless you.) Asking for a Friends With Benefits too soon screams one thing to me; someone who cannot be honest about what they're looking for, and is using his/her sexuality, or the lure of it, to bypass the hard work of actually meeting someone, getting to know them, and actually relating to them on various levels. You belong in Casual Encounters, but you need to get real - what you need and all you can handle is a SWNS or a fuck buddy, stop trying to trick people with the lure of sex.
Guys: This is trouble for you, for that "friend" word. Yes, it means you have to be a friend, and all that implies. That means she CAN in fact call you when she's weepy, and you have to listen. That means you're NICE to her, and do nice things for her. It may have even occured to her that you really like her, which is why you're friends with her. This is one you introduce to your family, if they don't know her and adore her already, but as just friends - they'll understand later if that changes. It also means that you won't be having sex all the time - you're freinds, remember? That means doing things with her, like going to the store with her, getting her medicine and soup when she's sick, driving her when her car is in the shop...you know the drill. if any of this irks you, you're not being honest about her, and you need to figure out what you're doing, or negotiate for a different status.
Hope this helps! Feel free to rebutt, reject, or rejoinder!
Sex With No Strings. Pretty simple, and to the point - humping. Lots of it. Usually in one session - thus, no strings. In other words, no expectations of future humping, unless a new relationship is negotiated. SWNS means I will not a call you later, I will not meet your parents, and no, you can't sleep over (in my t-shirt no less). This is the traditional One Night Stand, folks, it just doesn't have to start in a bar, nor do you need to be drunk.
Guys, it has been my experience that if you do not just shoot your load, and instantly ask when the next bus runs outside, and you actually act like you care, the lady might reward you with an upgrade to fuck buddy status(see below). This category is often the one that you end up calling later, drunk, horny, and confused. This is also the one that is "use once, throw away". Unless it's so good, you have to go back...usually you can decide this 30 seconds after you cum...then it's upgrade time.
Gals. This is NOT A RELATIONSHIP. STOP telling your girlfriends about the awesome guy you met last night, he's not calling you again. Yes, he used you. You used him right back. Enjoy the power. These are hook ups you don't talk about, nor do you take them around to meet your pals for drinks the next day. You hump, they leave. Simple.
Booty Call: This is someone you've SWNS'ed, or dated. Maybe you were married. Or she is married or dating, or you work together. Or you both are involved with someone else. This is someone you can call anytime, day or night, and chances are, you will get laid. You have one or two of these, right? Everyone does. Anyone who's dating someone else, and it's the first year, dreads these. We all know who are they. We have ours.
Guys and Gals - these happen FROM previous relationships. Stop asking for them, you're putting the horse before the cart. One of the important things here is, A., you know calling them is okay, and vice versa, and B., you know what they're like in bed, they're acceptable to you, and there will be no uncomfortable "surprises" at the door if they come over. Slow it down, Speed Racer, and try SWNS first. And finally, these are the super, super secret ones. Nobody ever knows. Ever. If you tell your current girlfriend/boyfriend, you destroy the relationship AND the bootycall.
Fuck Buddy. These are the fun ones, and the most dangerous. It's about sex - lots of it, and all the time. After work, before work, all weekend, in Tahoe on a ski weekend (fireplace sex is the BEST), and they're allowed to stay over. Can be ongoing, like a booty call, and will be dusted off between relationships. "Funny, I never met HIM the 3 years we dated? Oh, he's one of THOSE." You might even date, go out, show each other off, but once things get personal, you both know it's time to split up, for now. They're the one person who won't get upset if you say "I met someone..." because they did, too.
Guys and gals, warning. These relationships are treacherous. They CAN and do sometimes get real, and the other person rarely agrees it's time to start sharing the bureau and bathroom. Be open, honest, and make sure you're BOTH on the same page, and the kingdom is yours.
However, for the meek at heart, beware. These are the realtionships where fetishes, fanatsies, and pure unadulterated hedonsim occurs, and it's expected. This is the time for her to try drinking the blood from a wound on your lower belly while she jerks you off, because those bloody vampire movies turn her on in a way she's not ready to deal with. This is the time he'll be into trying threesomes, or more. Do not be offended if he wants to share you, you are his favorite toy, and it's a mark of honor that he's comfy with it. Indulge. But if they rock your polite, standard ideas of what sex is a little too hard, be aware you are in far, far over your head, and you need to back off and either date (foolish exercise that it is) or dabble with SWNS, so you can at least escape his/her chamber of horrors.
Yes folks, this is the one where you get your stories. Love them, live them, respect them. You'd both worked hard.
Friends With Benefits. Yes, that one. Okay, some blunt truth. Women tend to abuse this one to try and trap a guy into a relationship, and guys generally confuse this with Fuck Buddy, Booty Call, and Sex With No Strings - and generally all in one night. Guys, these are going to be tough for you, for one reason: the word "friends". These relationships have a very good shot of turning into a real relationship. See "When Harry Met Sally". This is someone you'd probably be dating, anyway, and the only difference is no sex. Adding sex can be tricky, as it moves the relationship into a grey area, of where you're not sure how you feel.
OR
It's someone you trust utterly, who can share this intimacy with you without freaking out on you, and it'll be your shared secret, one that means something. Yes, guys, sex can be meaningful.
This is one where friendship needs to be present first - a strong friendship that can survive the rocky shore of sexual relations. If your friendship is rocky, chaotic, inconstant, and does not have solid communication skills on both sides, mutual trust and respect, it's just a bad idea to begin with, and it will kill your friendship - one that you generally want to cling to, as they count for far more than fleeting sex.
Of all the women I've had offer this to me, very few of them could handle it, and were confusing the intimacy of friendship with something else. Two i accepted, one worked, one didn't, and horribly. The three I offered it to, I knew could, and it was a warm, enjoyable experience we still smile about and hint at when our SO's aren't around. These are good for times of stress or tradgedy, for the lean times between relationships, and while they tend to be more about married sex than the wild, unbridled fuck buddies, it's very, very good - you know each other, it's that much deeper.
Gals: this is a bad way to find a boyfreind. If he's already a freind, that means you don't want to date him, or you're not sure. Make up your mind before plunging in. If you have any feelings for him, and don't admit it up front, it won't go well. Don't dupe a guy - we hate that. Don't lie. You cannot ASK for this with some guy you just met - they are bred during real friendships that happen outside of your nasty little weekend adventures. (You nasty little girl. Bless you.) Asking for a Friends With Benefits too soon screams one thing to me; someone who cannot be honest about what they're looking for, and is using his/her sexuality, or the lure of it, to bypass the hard work of actually meeting someone, getting to know them, and actually relating to them on various levels. You belong in Casual Encounters, but you need to get real - what you need and all you can handle is a SWNS or a fuck buddy, stop trying to trick people with the lure of sex.
Guys: This is trouble for you, for that "friend" word. Yes, it means you have to be a friend, and all that implies. That means she CAN in fact call you when she's weepy, and you have to listen. That means you're NICE to her, and do nice things for her. It may have even occured to her that you really like her, which is why you're friends with her. This is one you introduce to your family, if they don't know her and adore her already, but as just friends - they'll understand later if that changes. It also means that you won't be having sex all the time - you're freinds, remember? That means doing things with her, like going to the store with her, getting her medicine and soup when she's sick, driving her when her car is in the shop...you know the drill. if any of this irks you, you're not being honest about her, and you need to figure out what you're doing, or negotiate for a different status.
Hope this helps! Feel free to rebutt, reject, or rejoinder!
Friday, October 27, 2006
Toolbelt Diva -- What's the Big Deal?? (And, A Theory is Born)
So I finally saw that show all the guys have been talking about: Toolbelt Diva (Or something like that). Alot of my friends have been watching that show religiously. It is a great buy show. Put together tools and a hottie, and you are onto something. Look at "Home Improvement". Be honest guys, the reason we watched it was because we could relate to Tim being a bumbling fool when it came to handy work, and Pamela Anderson was in it. Take away one of those two aspects, and the show is dead.
A couple of my friends swear this toolbelt diva girl is "A guys dream come true, a hot chick that is good with tools (And I aint talking about personal tools!!!) I even have a friend that is going to Milwaukee this week and he found out she is going to be at some construction/building show in Madison. He is actually making a special trip over to go to that show and see her. His goal is to get a signed picture of her, and a foto of him and her together. What the Hell!!! He is obssessed!!
Anyway, I finally watched it and I have to say, I am not all that impressed. Sorry, but that girl just doesnt do it for me. She is alright, but not a grade A hottie. Now if it was Shakira, Angelina Jolie, or any number of other hotties hosting the show, I would be loving it.
I can't understand the hype and obssession with this girl. I have a theory (Yes, another one of my theories. Trust me, I will have hundreds more) I think that guys are going crazy for this girl just because she is an OK looking woman that likes tools. Put this girl on a sitcom or on an animal channel show, and guys wont even notice her. She would be just another average looking woman on a show. There are some things that add to the hotness points of a girl. A Thong (See one of my previous blogs, lesbianism or being bi, a girl that loves sports, a girl that doesnt care if you are a lazy bum, and a girl that likes the hardware store, etc. These automatically notch a girl up one or two spaces. A 5 turns into a 6 or 7, an 8 turns into a goddess. That is my theory. I think most guys and girls will agree on that one. Let the debating begin.
Saturday, October 21, 2006
Undercover Ass Video
So someone who knows me well sends me a link to this clip, which is basically some chick with a fantastic ass apparently coming out of an airport and wandering into town. (Those who know me know that I am an Ass man!!!) And this isn't the first time I've seen this sort of clip, I have several friends who must surf around video sites all day or something, cause I get several different videos a week; butts, boobs, bike crashes, fights, sports stuff, etc.) I have to wonder how these guys that film this stuff do it. I mean they do this undercover filming, post it on sites like YouTube and then they critique each others' works as if they were comparing Oscar nominated movies. Even more intriguing is the thought process that has to go into this sort of thing. In the aforementioned clip, the guy's clearly got some kinda camera hidden in a briefcase. But how long can you follow someone -- especially in, say, a mall -- before you get discovered? I mean, wouldnt it quickly become obvious after a minute or two.
To be honest, as fucking fantastic as this stuff is -- hey, it saves me the trouble of actually walking around outside staring at these asses myself -- what I'd really love to see is a secret film of the guys who secretly film these ladies' rear ends. I mean, let's learn more about the technique. How are they positioning their brief case? Have any of them evolved to James Bond-esque pen cameras? Screw wasting our valuable technology on searching Mars; what the fuck do I care about red rocks? Channel that money to some of these abudding directors and let's see how quickly they can bring the fine art of voyeur ass photography to its next level.
Okay, now that I've gotten that out of the way, by all that is holy, LOOK AT THIS GIRL. Sweet God Almighty! Baby got Back!!! I lived in Mexico and South America, so I saw this on a daily basis. My buddy who lives in Bolivia sent this one to me. I've I have to admit, I have replayed this clip over a few times. My buddy Todd is a reward to anyone who can identify and locate her.
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
The Mile High Club
A friend of mine and his girlfriend are going on a vacation to Europe in a couple of weeks. He turned to me for some advice. He wanted to know how they could join the mile-high club. I am a card carrying member and he figured maybe I could offer him some tips. I was happy to oblige.
First though, I gotta get a little rant off my chest. Why is it the Mile-High Club?? It isnt like we are doing it in Denver or something. It is on a plane during mid-flight. I think most airlines cruising altitude is between 25,000 and 30,000 feet. That would put it between 5 and 6 miles. Whoever came up with that name is a moron.
Anyway, lets get to the nitty gritty. I am a multiple member of the Mile-High Club. Two times I have done the deed on an airplane. Three times if you include oral sex!!! :)
The first time was coming back from Vegas flying into Dallas. My girl and I were on a late-night redeye. We left Vegas around 11:30. The flight was only a quarter full, if that. There were probably 150 seats and only about 40 passengers. Everyone spread out. We got near the back and had a row of seats to ourselves. We could spread out and rest. Problem was, my girl was a little horny. She started putting her hand in my pants and playing around. So I asked for a blanket, and we used our jackets and she got down there and gave me a tremendous blow-job. Anytime a stewardess or someone would walk down the aisle, I would tap her and she would peak her head out and pretend to be asleep on my lap. After she was done, I put my fingers to work and got her off. It was a pretty satisfying flight for both of us. I still have no clue why we didnt think of going to the bathroom and doing it in there. Oh Well!!!!
The second time was with some girl I had just met. I was traveling around SE Asia for a couple months and had met a girl from the states in Thailand a week before I was to leave. IT must have been a small world cause we found out we were on the same flight back to L.A. We spent that last week together in Thailand, seeing the sights, drinking and partying. But we never had sex while we were there. We made out, messed around a little, but that was it.
We get on the flight and our seats are pretty far apart. I talk a guy into switching with her so we could sit together and the flight wouldnt be so boring. We talked and talked on the flight from Thailand to Singapore. Then we had a layover and we got on our flight from Singapore to LA. It was one of those all night flights. We got into LA around 8 AM, so it was dark and quiet on the flight. Most people fell asleep soon after take off. It was one of those huge 747 planes and we were near the back. There were like 4 or 5 bathrooms in the back.
I was shocked when she asked me if I wanted to join the Mile High Club. Just like that, out of the blue. She said that was something she wanted to do and thought I was a cool guy (See, people think I am cool!!!!) Of course I said Hell Yeah
So she went back to the bathroom first and I watched to see which one she got in. I waited a few minutes, went back and gave a secret knock. Got in there and we went to work. First off, those bathrooms are tiny. You can really only do 3 positions and we did them all. I sat on the toilet and she sat on me, she stood and leaned on the sink and I did her, then she stood and I did her from behind. There isnt a lot of room to move. We did it in about 7 minutes, the longer we took, the more suspicious it would look that both of us were gone from our seat. She snuck out first, then I left a few minutes later. We got back to the seats and surveyed the damage. A couple scrapes and bruises, and I had a sore back, but that was it. Not bad!!!!! Not comfortable either, but not bad!!!!
A Postscript to this part of the story: When we got to LA, we had a short layover before her flight to Idaho and my flight to Austin. I wanted to get her number, but she would only give me her email. I kept pressing for it and she finally confessed that she was engaged!!!! UNBELIEVABLE!!!! The wedding was in less than a month. I actually felt a little used!!! That feeling lasted for a few minutes than it disappeared. I did talk to her a couple of times and we email from time to time. I wish her the best!!!
The last time I did the Mile High Club was a few years ago flying from Chicago to Mexico City. I was flying with a girl who was going to visit her cousins and grandparents in Mexico. I was going to take a little vacation. You could say we wereFuck-Buddies We would get together every once in a while and just have wild, kinky sex. It was great. Anyway, it was much the same as the first sex episode. We snuck back to the bathrooms and did it. This time, we went a little long and took about 10 or 12 minutes. I went out first and a stewardess was there, outside the door. She just smiled and winked. Then said You know the back couple of rows could hear you two slamming against the door and I think I heard a scream. I was frickin Embarrassed!! I went back to the seat and the people sitting across the aisle from us were just smiling and chuckling. Teresa came a minute or two later and the first thing she said was I think everyone knows!!! It was so embarrassing, but now, it is hilarious as hell. I still talk to Teresa and we always reminisce about that episode.
So, finally, my advice for joining the Mile-High Club
1. Sit near the back of the plane
2. Wait until you are sure no one is back there in the bathrooms or waiting for them.
3. Go a few minutes apart.
4. Do it, and get out of there. 5 minutes is an ideal amount of time. Longer and you risk suspicion.
5. Remember, it is close quarters. The two times I did it in the lavoratory, I walked away with bruises and scrapes.
6. Exit separately, and if someone is waiting, tell them you were helping your kid in the bathroom and they are still in there. Hopefully, the other stall will open up before your chica comes out and they can use that one.
7. If you get caught, so what!!! Last I knew, there was no law against having sex in the bathroom of an airplane. ENJOY!!!
GOOD LUCK ROD!!! Hope you two get inducted.
First though, I gotta get a little rant off my chest. Why is it the Mile-High Club?? It isnt like we are doing it in Denver or something. It is on a plane during mid-flight. I think most airlines cruising altitude is between 25,000 and 30,000 feet. That would put it between 5 and 6 miles. Whoever came up with that name is a moron.
Anyway, lets get to the nitty gritty. I am a multiple member of the Mile-High Club. Two times I have done the deed on an airplane. Three times if you include oral sex!!! :)
The first time was coming back from Vegas flying into Dallas. My girl and I were on a late-night redeye. We left Vegas around 11:30. The flight was only a quarter full, if that. There were probably 150 seats and only about 40 passengers. Everyone spread out. We got near the back and had a row of seats to ourselves. We could spread out and rest. Problem was, my girl was a little horny. She started putting her hand in my pants and playing around. So I asked for a blanket, and we used our jackets and she got down there and gave me a tremendous blow-job. Anytime a stewardess or someone would walk down the aisle, I would tap her and she would peak her head out and pretend to be asleep on my lap. After she was done, I put my fingers to work and got her off. It was a pretty satisfying flight for both of us. I still have no clue why we didnt think of going to the bathroom and doing it in there. Oh Well!!!!
The second time was with some girl I had just met. I was traveling around SE Asia for a couple months and had met a girl from the states in Thailand a week before I was to leave. IT must have been a small world cause we found out we were on the same flight back to L.A. We spent that last week together in Thailand, seeing the sights, drinking and partying. But we never had sex while we were there. We made out, messed around a little, but that was it.
We get on the flight and our seats are pretty far apart. I talk a guy into switching with her so we could sit together and the flight wouldnt be so boring. We talked and talked on the flight from Thailand to Singapore. Then we had a layover and we got on our flight from Singapore to LA. It was one of those all night flights. We got into LA around 8 AM, so it was dark and quiet on the flight. Most people fell asleep soon after take off. It was one of those huge 747 planes and we were near the back. There were like 4 or 5 bathrooms in the back.
I was shocked when she asked me if I wanted to join the Mile High Club. Just like that, out of the blue. She said that was something she wanted to do and thought I was a cool guy (See, people think I am cool!!!!) Of course I said Hell Yeah
So she went back to the bathroom first and I watched to see which one she got in. I waited a few minutes, went back and gave a secret knock. Got in there and we went to work. First off, those bathrooms are tiny. You can really only do 3 positions and we did them all. I sat on the toilet and she sat on me, she stood and leaned on the sink and I did her, then she stood and I did her from behind. There isnt a lot of room to move. We did it in about 7 minutes, the longer we took, the more suspicious it would look that both of us were gone from our seat. She snuck out first, then I left a few minutes later. We got back to the seats and surveyed the damage. A couple scrapes and bruises, and I had a sore back, but that was it. Not bad!!!!! Not comfortable either, but not bad!!!!
A Postscript to this part of the story: When we got to LA, we had a short layover before her flight to Idaho and my flight to Austin. I wanted to get her number, but she would only give me her email. I kept pressing for it and she finally confessed that she was engaged!!!! UNBELIEVABLE!!!! The wedding was in less than a month. I actually felt a little used!!! That feeling lasted for a few minutes than it disappeared. I did talk to her a couple of times and we email from time to time. I wish her the best!!!
The last time I did the Mile High Club was a few years ago flying from Chicago to Mexico City. I was flying with a girl who was going to visit her cousins and grandparents in Mexico. I was going to take a little vacation. You could say we wereFuck-Buddies We would get together every once in a while and just have wild, kinky sex. It was great. Anyway, it was much the same as the first sex episode. We snuck back to the bathrooms and did it. This time, we went a little long and took about 10 or 12 minutes. I went out first and a stewardess was there, outside the door. She just smiled and winked. Then said You know the back couple of rows could hear you two slamming against the door and I think I heard a scream. I was frickin Embarrassed!! I went back to the seat and the people sitting across the aisle from us were just smiling and chuckling. Teresa came a minute or two later and the first thing she said was I think everyone knows!!! It was so embarrassing, but now, it is hilarious as hell. I still talk to Teresa and we always reminisce about that episode.
So, finally, my advice for joining the Mile-High Club
1. Sit near the back of the plane
2. Wait until you are sure no one is back there in the bathrooms or waiting for them.
3. Go a few minutes apart.
4. Do it, and get out of there. 5 minutes is an ideal amount of time. Longer and you risk suspicion.
5. Remember, it is close quarters. The two times I did it in the lavoratory, I walked away with bruises and scrapes.
6. Exit separately, and if someone is waiting, tell them you were helping your kid in the bathroom and they are still in there. Hopefully, the other stall will open up before your chica comes out and they can use that one.
7. If you get caught, so what!!! Last I knew, there was no law against having sex in the bathroom of an airplane. ENJOY!!!
GOOD LUCK ROD!!! Hope you two get inducted.
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
What I Love About Women
When it comes to the subject of women, one of the best things I ever heard said on the subject was "I love 'em all. Every goddamned one of 'em." I couldnt agree more. Let's face it; at a very fundamental level, I've been in love with every beautiful woman I've ever met. It's a difficult task to try and elucidate all that I love about women, but I feel that I must give some kind of an explanation, if for no other reason than so you understand why I cannot resist my compunction to run game on every hot girl I meet. So, here's my list.
The way women can make me laugh at goofy ass jokes I would physically abuse one of my guy friends for telling.
Bottom lip biting.
Boy shorts, belly button rings and French manicures.
Bath & Body Works Warm Vanilla Sugar. Like a hormonal bloodhound, I can pick this smell out from a hundred yards, and I cannot explain to you how on board I am with making women smell like dessert.
This piece of body language: You catch a girl you dont know looking at you and she looks straight down before looking away. Translation: You're in.
Girls with Southern accents and their ability to make the simple act of holding a longneck beer on a nice spring day pretty much the hottest thing ever.
How the really hot ones make me forget I have an exceptional vocabulary. A beautiful woman acts upon my brain's language center much the way Godzilla acts upon Tokyo. There is a lot of panic and screaming in a language no one understands, and suddenly the whole place is a smoldering ruin.
Their laughter and how it provokes my non-stop efforts to obtain it.
Internal logic that is utterly incomprehensible to men.
Their ability to make me let my guard down. The right woman can blow a hole a mile wide in my stoicism and I will simultaneously resent, be in awe of and love her for it.
The curve of a hip. Oh, I know most guys are ass men or breast men or whatnot, but something about that sinuous curve of a woman's hip throws me into my most primordial mode of thinking. The current trend of ridiculously low-rise jeans that expose the hips could well be proof that God's not mad at me anymore.
Women make the best friends, because it's like you can talk to them and stuff and then they, like... listen.
That ability women possess to convey five paragraphs of information with a single look.
Inside jokes. Sure, men have inside jokes with their drinking buddies. But something about inside jokes with women is so much more gratifying. It's as though, in some small way, you have managed to decode a tiny bit of that incomprehensible internal logic and dialed directly into her sense of humor.
Self-conscious blushing. Sometimes this is related to an inside joke, but more frequently, it is simply a by-product of the differing ways men and women communicate. Women are subtle, nuanced. Men are direct, and it's usually a direct comment from us that produces a self-conscious blush from them.
Everyone here knows it. Pussy has to be on the list. It just has to be.
Alright, fine. Blowjobs can come along, too.
The way women can, with no effort at all, either inspire or stop violence.
How, in the end, my type doesn't really matter. We all know I like my women Southern and blonde or Latina and Brunette, just as we all know that my head has snapped around on many a redhead. There is no telling who I'll find attractive on a day to day basis, and that's what makes women wonderful as a group; every one is an adventure. I really find all types of women attractive
Women make me cooler than the other side of the pillow. Without women in my life, I wouldn't know how to dress, how to behave or which celebrities are screwing this week.
How, despite their best efforts, they can't make me stop believing, at some deep-down level, in the concept of love.
Lip gloss. Lipstick is alright, I guess, but I have a strong predilection towards lip gloss. Lips that shiny and full scream "kiss me", and there is no way in hell I am going to disobey.
Her bathroom. I am a visitor in a strange land the moment I set foot inside a woman's bathroom. There is approximately $15,000 worth of product in there whose purposes cannot be readily surmised by the average heterosexual male. None the less, I know it all helps her look and smell the way she does, which makes my happy place tingly.
Her moods. As indecipherable as the tides, and every bit as intriguing, it is incumbent upon men to stay one step ahead of a woman's moods. We fail miserably at this task, and really... we're sort of okay with that.
Their recognition that, at many levels, we're really not ever going to grow up, and really... they're sort of okay with that.
I could do this all day, but now it is y'all's turn (and yes, thats the correct usage of the plural possessive of y'all). I didn't even scratch the surface of everything there is to love about women, so talk amongst yourselves about anything I overlooked. No misogynistic bullshit, guys. We're saving that for a whole 'nother blog.
The way women can make me laugh at goofy ass jokes I would physically abuse one of my guy friends for telling.
Bottom lip biting.
Boy shorts, belly button rings and French manicures.
Bath & Body Works Warm Vanilla Sugar. Like a hormonal bloodhound, I can pick this smell out from a hundred yards, and I cannot explain to you how on board I am with making women smell like dessert.
This piece of body language: You catch a girl you dont know looking at you and she looks straight down before looking away. Translation: You're in.
Girls with Southern accents and their ability to make the simple act of holding a longneck beer on a nice spring day pretty much the hottest thing ever.
How the really hot ones make me forget I have an exceptional vocabulary. A beautiful woman acts upon my brain's language center much the way Godzilla acts upon Tokyo. There is a lot of panic and screaming in a language no one understands, and suddenly the whole place is a smoldering ruin.
Their laughter and how it provokes my non-stop efforts to obtain it.
Internal logic that is utterly incomprehensible to men.
Their ability to make me let my guard down. The right woman can blow a hole a mile wide in my stoicism and I will simultaneously resent, be in awe of and love her for it.
The curve of a hip. Oh, I know most guys are ass men or breast men or whatnot, but something about that sinuous curve of a woman's hip throws me into my most primordial mode of thinking. The current trend of ridiculously low-rise jeans that expose the hips could well be proof that God's not mad at me anymore.
Women make the best friends, because it's like you can talk to them and stuff and then they, like... listen.
That ability women possess to convey five paragraphs of information with a single look.
Inside jokes. Sure, men have inside jokes with their drinking buddies. But something about inside jokes with women is so much more gratifying. It's as though, in some small way, you have managed to decode a tiny bit of that incomprehensible internal logic and dialed directly into her sense of humor.
Self-conscious blushing. Sometimes this is related to an inside joke, but more frequently, it is simply a by-product of the differing ways men and women communicate. Women are subtle, nuanced. Men are direct, and it's usually a direct comment from us that produces a self-conscious blush from them.
Everyone here knows it. Pussy has to be on the list. It just has to be.
Alright, fine. Blowjobs can come along, too.
The way women can, with no effort at all, either inspire or stop violence.
How, in the end, my type doesn't really matter. We all know I like my women Southern and blonde or Latina and Brunette, just as we all know that my head has snapped around on many a redhead. There is no telling who I'll find attractive on a day to day basis, and that's what makes women wonderful as a group; every one is an adventure. I really find all types of women attractive
Women make me cooler than the other side of the pillow. Without women in my life, I wouldn't know how to dress, how to behave or which celebrities are screwing this week.
How, despite their best efforts, they can't make me stop believing, at some deep-down level, in the concept of love.
Lip gloss. Lipstick is alright, I guess, but I have a strong predilection towards lip gloss. Lips that shiny and full scream "kiss me", and there is no way in hell I am going to disobey.
Her bathroom. I am a visitor in a strange land the moment I set foot inside a woman's bathroom. There is approximately $15,000 worth of product in there whose purposes cannot be readily surmised by the average heterosexual male. None the less, I know it all helps her look and smell the way she does, which makes my happy place tingly.
Her moods. As indecipherable as the tides, and every bit as intriguing, it is incumbent upon men to stay one step ahead of a woman's moods. We fail miserably at this task, and really... we're sort of okay with that.
Their recognition that, at many levels, we're really not ever going to grow up, and really... they're sort of okay with that.
I could do this all day, but now it is y'all's turn (and yes, thats the correct usage of the plural possessive of y'all). I didn't even scratch the surface of everything there is to love about women, so talk amongst yourselves about anything I overlooked. No misogynistic bullshit, guys. We're saving that for a whole 'nother blog.
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
Screw Jello Shots. Bring me some Gummy Bears!!
I went to a few parties last weekend in Austin. It was pretty much the typical college party scene. It really hasn't changed much since I graduated. But I did discover something new. On Friday night, I was at a party that had gummy bears and other stuff . I found out Jello shots are starting to fade away. "Jello shots are fun, but it's a process to make them AND another process to eat them. They get all messy, leave your hands sticky, and they are just a paini in the ass" I was told by some young party goer. So that is how I discovered an alternative to those slippery, fruity drunk-makers. Gummy candy soaked in vodka, or everclear.
This party had gummy worms soaked in vodka. Then, they brought out some gummy bears soaked in everclear. Those little guys pack a serious alcohol punch but they're sweet and easy going down.
Saturday morning, we found some gummy bears at the house we were staying at. So I decided to give it whirl myself. I filled up a plastic container with enough vodka to submerge them. Then I just let it sit for about 10 hours. The bears went from small and hard to bloated and gushy is no time. They soaked up all the liquid nicely so nothing was wasted. They were perfect to take to the football game. No alcohol allowed, but they would never make us trash gummy bears. We filled up a few bags full of them and it worked. We were the hit of our section!! They are so addicting. People at the game were getting buzzed off of nothing but gummy bears.
These things make a great party starter. I highly recommend bringing booze soaked gummies to the next party you attend. And anytime you need to sneak some booze in somewhere, like a football game, movie theater, a boring college course on a Friday afternoon, bring some of these. They are guaranteed to get you started.
This party had gummy worms soaked in vodka. Then, they brought out some gummy bears soaked in everclear. Those little guys pack a serious alcohol punch but they're sweet and easy going down.
Saturday morning, we found some gummy bears at the house we were staying at. So I decided to give it whirl myself. I filled up a plastic container with enough vodka to submerge them. Then I just let it sit for about 10 hours. The bears went from small and hard to bloated and gushy is no time. They soaked up all the liquid nicely so nothing was wasted. They were perfect to take to the football game. No alcohol allowed, but they would never make us trash gummy bears. We filled up a few bags full of them and it worked. We were the hit of our section!! They are so addicting. People at the game were getting buzzed off of nothing but gummy bears.
These things make a great party starter. I highly recommend bringing booze soaked gummies to the next party you attend. And anytime you need to sneak some booze in somewhere, like a football game, movie theater, a boring college course on a Friday afternoon, bring some of these. They are guaranteed to get you started.
Beer Goggles
This was somebody from one of the parties this weekend (At least I think so. My buddy E sent it with our Austin Pics).
Anyway, I need a pair of those. I MEAN THE GLASSES!!!!
Friday, September 8, 2006
Top Ten Worst Porn Titles
I have been sifting through things that I had posted on my previous website, trying to decide what I should post here and what I should just get rid of. I found this gem! A friend had emailed me a list of the worst porn movie titles in history. He claimed that they were the title of real movies (Probably very low budget with ugly drug addicted skanks filming them to make a buck for their next hit). I did some checking around ( mostly with some of my sick perverted friends) and they could verify that several of them were indeed real movies. I got this email about 7 years ago, so I do not remember which ones they claim are real. although I think #1,2, and 10 were for sure real. You may have seen this list. Anyway, they have some nasty ones.
Top ten worst porn titles
1. Crack Whores of America
Nothing has been left to the imagination here; what you see is exactly what you get - freebasing hookers from the USA. Apparently, one of the stars is a toothless, smelly tramp of a junkie who gets jiggy with many of the leading ladies. I'm not sure if there is a market out there for this kind of thing but I've heard of everything now.
2. Dude, where's my dildo?
I had the fear that this was something I would do well to avoid due to the suggestive title but I couldn't help but wonder if it really was...or if it wasn't? After much searching on Google, it was apparent that it wasn't what I thought it was. It was lesbian porn. Question - do any lesbians refer to each other as "dude"? That's really fucking bugging me now.
3. Ultra Kinky ..79 - Bowlin' in her Colon
While it may have a witty edge to it's title, it really did make me spew my guts all over the keyboard. That really is one of the sickest titles I have ever heard of in my life. I would say it was the sickest but I'd be lying. This is the sickest...
4. Dead Men Don't Wear Rubbers
Enough said. Moving on...
5. Let's play Anal Twister
I wonder if someone has actually suggested this to Ann Summers / Victoria's Secret. You can imagine this sitting happily amongst some kinky lover's bedroom paraphernalia. Not really the sort of game your bring out at Christmas to play with the family but a very interesting game nonetheless.
6. The fat, the bald and the ugly
At last. Porn that has some dignity. Fuck Hollywood rip offs and tacky plot outlines. You just need some balding greaseball to get you off. Hell, it would probably a lot more erotic than this badass motherfucker. Too bad this title is already taken now. What will Ron Jeremy do in about 15 years. He already is fat and ugly.
7. Airtight Granny
Right, I just spewed in my mouth and killed myself in the process. That is wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong. This is not MILF...this is GILF. Is that a recognised acronym? It should be...and it should be avoided like the plague.
8. Willie Wanker and the Fudge Packing Factory
Someone please enlighten me as to whether or not it was this particular movie that was responsible for Oompa Loompa porn. I really need to know. Man, that title really is the funniest thing ever. Even if you don't like porn, you should buy a copy. It would make charming conversation at your next soiree.
9. Big, brown, bomb BOO-YOW booty, Brazilian bitches.
Someone, somewhere has a database of porn and on this database, there are all the usual categories. Asian, Lesbian, Group, Bondage, Airtight Grannies, Oompa Loompa etc. but I have the distinct feeling that the above title is not listed on said database. Does anyone else get the impression that people are just making shit up as they go along?
10. Shaving Ryan's Privates
Call it a hunch, but this is more than likely gay porn about a bunch of guys who shave each others nether regions. Just call it a hunch. Rest assured, I'll be avoiding this one just as much as the others and if it wasn't for the titles, I'd demand they all get burned at the stake.
I hope you enjoyed yourselves.
PS: Please make some comments or add any movies you know of to the list.
Top ten worst porn titles
1. Crack Whores of America
Nothing has been left to the imagination here; what you see is exactly what you get - freebasing hookers from the USA. Apparently, one of the stars is a toothless, smelly tramp of a junkie who gets jiggy with many of the leading ladies. I'm not sure if there is a market out there for this kind of thing but I've heard of everything now.
2. Dude, where's my dildo?
I had the fear that this was something I would do well to avoid due to the suggestive title but I couldn't help but wonder if it really was...or if it wasn't? After much searching on Google, it was apparent that it wasn't what I thought it was. It was lesbian porn. Question - do any lesbians refer to each other as "dude"? That's really fucking bugging me now.
3. Ultra Kinky ..79 - Bowlin' in her Colon
While it may have a witty edge to it's title, it really did make me spew my guts all over the keyboard. That really is one of the sickest titles I have ever heard of in my life. I would say it was the sickest but I'd be lying. This is the sickest...
4. Dead Men Don't Wear Rubbers
Enough said. Moving on...
5. Let's play Anal Twister
I wonder if someone has actually suggested this to Ann Summers / Victoria's Secret. You can imagine this sitting happily amongst some kinky lover's bedroom paraphernalia. Not really the sort of game your bring out at Christmas to play with the family but a very interesting game nonetheless.
6. The fat, the bald and the ugly
At last. Porn that has some dignity. Fuck Hollywood rip offs and tacky plot outlines. You just need some balding greaseball to get you off. Hell, it would probably a lot more erotic than this badass motherfucker. Too bad this title is already taken now. What will Ron Jeremy do in about 15 years. He already is fat and ugly.
7. Airtight Granny
Right, I just spewed in my mouth and killed myself in the process. That is wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong. This is not MILF...this is GILF. Is that a recognised acronym? It should be...and it should be avoided like the plague.
8. Willie Wanker and the Fudge Packing Factory
Someone please enlighten me as to whether or not it was this particular movie that was responsible for Oompa Loompa porn. I really need to know. Man, that title really is the funniest thing ever. Even if you don't like porn, you should buy a copy. It would make charming conversation at your next soiree.
9. Big, brown, bomb BOO-YOW booty, Brazilian bitches.
Someone, somewhere has a database of porn and on this database, there are all the usual categories. Asian, Lesbian, Group, Bondage, Airtight Grannies, Oompa Loompa etc. but I have the distinct feeling that the above title is not listed on said database. Does anyone else get the impression that people are just making shit up as they go along?
10. Shaving Ryan's Privates
Call it a hunch, but this is more than likely gay porn about a bunch of guys who shave each others nether regions. Just call it a hunch. Rest assured, I'll be avoiding this one just as much as the others and if it wasn't for the titles, I'd demand they all get burned at the stake.
I hope you enjoyed yourselves.
PS: Please make some comments or add any movies you know of to the list.
Wednesday, September 6, 2006
Strippers
I was watching one of those primetime news shows last night. I think it was Dateline, but who really cares. They are all the same anyway. The show was about Sex, one of my favorite topics. They talked about swingers, strippers, and Asexuals (People who do not ever have sex. They dont want to. Strange group of people.)
Anyway, I came away with several interesting takes on the show and their topics.
Swingers: The Swingers they interviewed were some nasty swingers. I mean butt ugly!!! I have no idea who would swing with them, except for maybe another ugly swinging couple. I have been to some sex clubs that cater to swingers, and I have to admit that many of the people that were in these clubs were fairly decent looking. They picked the ugliest ones to interview. Could it be they want to discourage this type of behavior, so they portray swingers are ugly people? I have no idea.
Strippers: This was one segment I was very interested in. I have dated a few strippers, have friends who are strippers, and I have been known to go to a strip club every now and then. I actually think they did a pretty good job in their portrayal of strippers.
They did mention that strippers can make up to $2000 a week. I can vouch that number is pretty close to the truth. I dated a girl in Austin that was a college student by day, dancer at night. She brought home around $200 on a slow night, and $400 on weekends. I would say she averaged close to $1500 a week, and that was a 5 night work week. I know of a girl who also stripped in Austin, then Dallas and made comparable cash. She moved to Vegas and started stripping out there. She told me she makes between $2000 and $3000 a week. Depends on the times and where she is dancing at. One night, she had a guy spend $3500 on her in one night. And it wasnt for sex!!! Just dancing and companionship. DAMN!!!
So, this got me to thinking. If I were a woman, had a hot body, and had some rhythm, I think I would definitely become a stripper. Shit, you can make over $100,000 a year dancing. WOW!!!! It takes me like three years to earn that teaching. I would save most of it, invest it, and then retire at the age of 35. I think it would be awesome being a stripper. It would be like going to a club everynight and dancing, except you get paid for it AND you get to pick the music you dance to. Add in all the free drinks guys buy you and you are set!!! Come to think of it, if anyone wants to pay me some $$$ for a lap dance, I will give you one. You can even touch me if you want!!
I really dont see the harm in stripping. Society has made it out to be such a bad thing. They chastise the woman who strip and make them out to be evil. You know where the problem lies? Not with the women. They are supplying a service. It is the men!!! (I cant believe I am saying this) Stripping is pure and simple economics. The law of supply and demand. You take away the demand and the suppliers disappear. Imagine if the world gets so crazy and dangerous that no one wants to travel anywhere for fear of being blown to bits. The demand for travel agents disappears, so the travel agencies close. Same would happen with strippers. If guys would stop wanting to see hot women dancing naked in front of them, then there would be no strippers. Of course, this will never happen, since men by nature are some of the horniest creatures on earth.
So all of these feminists who are against strippers should turn the anger towards us men. Let us have it!! Hit us with your best shot. I guarantee you, it wont do any good. But you can try. Unless all men get castrated or they invent some kind of drug to take away our libido, strip clubs are here to stay.
And we havent even touched on prostitution yet, but that can wait till a future blog.
What do you all think? For it, against it? Who out there would strip if they could do it? Maybe some of you already are.
Friday, September 1, 2006
Good News!!! I will be around for a long time
I was reading Men's Health online (Why? I still have no idea!!!) There was an article about living longer and they referred to the November 2005 issue of Men's Health. According to them: "Researchers discovered that men who ejaculated frequently between the ages of 20 and 50 were at markedly lower risk of developing prostate cancer. [Also,] Men in their 20s who ejaculated at least five times a week were one-third less likely to develop aggressive prostate cancer during their mature years."
Whew!! No prostrate cancer for me. I guess I may have a shot to live to at least 120 years old!!! I just hope I am having sex into my 100's. They way things are going now, there will be some super viagra around by that time!!!
Whew!! No prostrate cancer for me. I guess I may have a shot to live to at least 120 years old!!! I just hope I am having sex into my 100's. They way things are going now, there will be some super viagra around by that time!!!
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
Just Back from LA -- Idiot Drivers
HI!! Sorry I have been out of touch. I had to get away and so we all went to LA for a week. Nice city, great beaches! I had been in LA in January for the Rose Bowl. HOOK EM HORNS!!! But I was only there for 2 days and didnt see much.
I did get pissed off the second day there. I am driving on the freeway and there is alot of traffic, but it is in the right two lanes since they are merging with another freeway. So I am cruising along at about 65 to 70 MPH in the fast lane, when all of a sudden, I come upon a car going 55 max. In the fast lane!!! WTF!!! This is LA!! Everyone knows you go with the flow of traffic. Cops arent going to give you a speeding ticket if everyone is going the same speed.
Then I notice the driver is an idiot. I get up on the car and it is a porsche 911. COME ON!!! If you have that car, you drive it fast and furious. No one was in front of him for at least half a mile. You don't buy a Porsche to go the speed limit.
Then, about 15 minutes later, the same thing happens, but with a Ferrari. One of those testarosas that Sonny drove on Miami Vice!! There is a whole line of cars trying to pass him. Note How absurd that sounds: A line of cars trying to PASS A FERRARI!!!!! WTF Los Angeles. If you cant handle the horses under the hood, buy a minivan!!!!! UNBELIEVABLE!!!!
Anyway, I am back and I will start getting the blog going again. Take care and enjoy!!!
I did get pissed off the second day there. I am driving on the freeway and there is alot of traffic, but it is in the right two lanes since they are merging with another freeway. So I am cruising along at about 65 to 70 MPH in the fast lane, when all of a sudden, I come upon a car going 55 max. In the fast lane!!! WTF!!! This is LA!! Everyone knows you go with the flow of traffic. Cops arent going to give you a speeding ticket if everyone is going the same speed.
Then I notice the driver is an idiot. I get up on the car and it is a porsche 911. COME ON!!! If you have that car, you drive it fast and furious. No one was in front of him for at least half a mile. You don't buy a Porsche to go the speed limit.
Then, about 15 minutes later, the same thing happens, but with a Ferrari. One of those testarosas that Sonny drove on Miami Vice!! There is a whole line of cars trying to pass him. Note How absurd that sounds: A line of cars trying to PASS A FERRARI!!!!! WTF Los Angeles. If you cant handle the horses under the hood, buy a minivan!!!!! UNBELIEVABLE!!!!
Anyway, I am back and I will start getting the blog going again. Take care and enjoy!!!
Sunday, August 27, 2006
What the Perfect Guy Would Do -- REALITY CHECK!!!
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Thursday, August 24, 2006
Pole-A-Palooza!!! Can I be a Judge???
This is my kind of contest!!! Sign me up as a judge. Here are some pics a friend sent me. He said it was great, Lucky bastard was in Vegas for a wedding and went to it.
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
Girls Kissing Girls
Earlier today, I posted something about the new phenomenon about girls getting drunk and then takin pictures of themselves dry humping other girls. In it, I mention another phenomenon sweeping the web. Pictures of chicks kissing each other.
I remember back in the day, when the only place you could see two chicks kissing was a porno tape? Now it's happening everywhere, having made the quantum leap from my twisted fantasies to the next booth over at the TGI Fridays.
Look outside your window. Chicks are kissing. In the bars, the dance clubs, the shopping malls, the casinos, the pancake house. MySpace is filled with chicks kissing other chicks. This is a world in which chicks will grab other chicks and kiss them square on the mouth. And, here's the thing: many of them are not gay. I would venture most of them are straight or bi. Which means they are still on the market for all of us guys!!!!
These are magical, magical times for people who like watching women kiss. And I am one of those people. So I am extremely giddy in this new age of girls kissing each other.
Why do they do it? I'm not sure, but I'm certain the response it provokes is a factor. This stuff works like kryptonite, bringing grown men to their knees, forcing them to remove their wallets, keep the rounds of drinks coming, and stretch out their hands while exclaiming to the heavens, "Fuck, god almighty, thank you for girls who kiss other girls."
The only exception is when the women in liplock are over the age of 78. This is simply disturbing. (I was unfortunate enough to see this firsthand when two older ladies were walking in Valley Junction. I think they thought no one was looking.) But hot, young, vibrant chicks kissing? Man, that's the stuff. And by "the stuff," I mean, "thing I want to see happening as much as humanly possible." Keep it coming, ladies, and, as always, the next round's on me. I mean it!!! If I see any of you ladies out at a bar, just come on over, kiss your friend, and I will by you both a round of drinks!!!
Drunk Humping
This morning, I'd like to salute one of my favorite barroom and/or keg party phenomenons: the photo of two girls pretending to hump each other. Anyone who's ever participated in such merriment, feel free to raise your hand.
In the second half of 2006, I fully expect this sort of photo to surpass the obligatory "girls showing off their thongs" and "frat guys putting balls on passed out guy's head" as the single most popular party souvenir. It is already starting to gain popularity on MySpace. I would rank its occurrence behind girls-kissing-girls, but in a dead heat with the thongs.
Nice!!! I am definitely not complaining!!! Any ladies that have some good party humping fotos, let me know.
Saturday, August 19, 2006
Two Dollar Bill
This story happened in Austin, TX. I think it was 1991. Can't believe people already forgot the $2 Bill.
On my way home from the second job I've taken for the extra holiday ca$h I need, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat. In my billfold is a $50 bill and a $2 bill. That is all of the cash I have on my person. I figure that with a $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not have to worry about people getting upset at me.
ME: ``Hi, I'd like one seven layer burrito please, to go.''
IT: ``Is that it?''
ME: ``Yep.''
IT: ``That'll be $1.04, eat here?''
ME: ``No, it's to go.'' [I hate effort duplication.]
At his point I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He looks at it kind of funny and shakes his head.
IT: ``Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right back."
He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within earshot. The following conversation occurs between the two of them.
IT: ``Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?''
MG: ``No. A what?''
IT: ``A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me.''
MG: ``Ask for something else, there's no such thing as a $2 bill.'' [my emp]
IT: ``Yeah, thought so.''
He comes back to me and says
IT: ``We don't take these. Do you have anything else?''
ME: ``Just this fifty. You don't take $2 bills? Why?''
IT: ``I don't know.''
ME: ``See here where it says legal tender?''
IT: ``Yeah.''
ME: ``So, shouldn't you take it?''
IT: ``Well, hang on a sec.''
He goes back to his manager who is watching me like I'm going to shoplift, and
IT: ``He says I have to take it.''
MG: ``Doesn't he have anything else?''
IT: ``Yeah, a fifty. I'll get it and you can open the safe and get change.''
MG: ``I'm not opening the safe with him in here.'' [my emp]
IT: ``What should I do?''
MG: ``Tell him to come back later when he has real money.''
IT: ``I can't tell him that, you tell him.''
MG: ``Just tell him.''
IT: ``No way, this is weird, I'm going in back.''
The manager approaches me and says
MG: ``Sorry, we don't take big bills this time of night.'' [it was 8pm and this particular Taco Bell is in a well lighted indoor mall with 100 other stores.]
ME: ``Well, here's a two.''
MG: ``We don't take those either.''
ME: ``Why not?''
MG: ``I think you know why.''
ME: ``No really, tell me, why?''
MG: ``Please leave before I call mall security.''
ME: ``Excuse me?''
MG: ``Please leave before I call mall security.''
ME: ``What for?''
MG: ``Please, sir.''
ME: ``Uh, go ahead, call them.''
MG: ``Would you please just leave?''
ME: ``No.''
MG: ``Fine, have it your way then.''
ME: ``No, that's Burger King, isn't it?''
At this point he backs away from me and calls mall security on the phone around the corner. I have two people staring at me from the dining area, and I begin laughing out loud, just for effect. A few minutes later this 45 year oldish guy comes in and says [at the other end of counter, in a whisper]
SG: ``Yeah, Mike, what's up?''
MG: ``This guy is trying to give me some [pause] funny money.''
SG: ``Really? What?''
MG: ``Get this, a two dollar bill.''
SG: ``Why would a guy fake a $2 bill?'' [incredulous]
MG: ``I don't know? He's kinda weird. Says the only other thing he has is a fifty.''
SG: ``So, the fifty's fake?''
MG: ``No, the $2 is.''
SG: ``Why would he fake a $2 bill?''
MG: ``I don't know. Can you talk to him, and get him out of here?''
SG: ``Yeah...''
Security guard walks over to me and says
SG: ``Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you're trying to use.''
ME: ``Uh, no.''
SG: ``Lemme see 'em.''
ME: ``Why?''
SG: ``Do you want me to get the cops in here?''
At this point I was ready to say, ``SURE, PLEASE,'' but I wanted to eat, so I said
ME: ``I'm just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this $2 bill.''
I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I was taking a swing at him. He takes the bill, turns it over a few times in his hands, and says
SG: ``Mike, what's wrong with this bill?''
MG: ``It's fake.''
SG: ``It doesn't look fake to me.''
MG: ``But it's a $2 bill.''
SG: ``Yeah?''
MG: ``Well, there's no such thing, is there?''
The security guard and I both looked at him like he was an idiot, and it dawned on the guy that he had no clue.
My burrito was free and he threw in a small drink and those cinnamon things, too. Makes me want to get a whole stack of $2 bills just to see what happens when I try to buy stuff. If I got the right group of people, I could probably end up in jail. At least I'd get free food.
On my way home from the second job I've taken for the extra holiday ca$h I need, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat. In my billfold is a $50 bill and a $2 bill. That is all of the cash I have on my person. I figure that with a $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not have to worry about people getting upset at me.
ME: ``Hi, I'd like one seven layer burrito please, to go.''
IT: ``Is that it?''
ME: ``Yep.''
IT: ``That'll be $1.04, eat here?''
ME: ``No, it's to go.'' [I hate effort duplication.]
At his point I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He looks at it kind of funny and shakes his head.
IT: ``Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right back."
He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within earshot. The following conversation occurs between the two of them.
IT: ``Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?''
MG: ``No. A what?''
IT: ``A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me.''
MG: ``Ask for something else, there's no such thing as a $2 bill.'' [my emp]
IT: ``Yeah, thought so.''
He comes back to me and says
IT: ``We don't take these. Do you have anything else?''
ME: ``Just this fifty. You don't take $2 bills? Why?''
IT: ``I don't know.''
ME: ``See here where it says legal tender?''
IT: ``Yeah.''
ME: ``So, shouldn't you take it?''
IT: ``Well, hang on a sec.''
He goes back to his manager who is watching me like I'm going to shoplift, and
IT: ``He says I have to take it.''
MG: ``Doesn't he have anything else?''
IT: ``Yeah, a fifty. I'll get it and you can open the safe and get change.''
MG: ``I'm not opening the safe with him in here.'' [my emp]
IT: ``What should I do?''
MG: ``Tell him to come back later when he has real money.''
IT: ``I can't tell him that, you tell him.''
MG: ``Just tell him.''
IT: ``No way, this is weird, I'm going in back.''
The manager approaches me and says
MG: ``Sorry, we don't take big bills this time of night.'' [it was 8pm and this particular Taco Bell is in a well lighted indoor mall with 100 other stores.]
ME: ``Well, here's a two.''
MG: ``We don't take those either.''
ME: ``Why not?''
MG: ``I think you know why.''
ME: ``No really, tell me, why?''
MG: ``Please leave before I call mall security.''
ME: ``Excuse me?''
MG: ``Please leave before I call mall security.''
ME: ``What for?''
MG: ``Please, sir.''
ME: ``Uh, go ahead, call them.''
MG: ``Would you please just leave?''
ME: ``No.''
MG: ``Fine, have it your way then.''
ME: ``No, that's Burger King, isn't it?''
At this point he backs away from me and calls mall security on the phone around the corner. I have two people staring at me from the dining area, and I begin laughing out loud, just for effect. A few minutes later this 45 year oldish guy comes in and says [at the other end of counter, in a whisper]
SG: ``Yeah, Mike, what's up?''
MG: ``This guy is trying to give me some [pause] funny money.''
SG: ``Really? What?''
MG: ``Get this, a two dollar bill.''
SG: ``Why would a guy fake a $2 bill?'' [incredulous]
MG: ``I don't know? He's kinda weird. Says the only other thing he has is a fifty.''
SG: ``So, the fifty's fake?''
MG: ``No, the $2 is.''
SG: ``Why would he fake a $2 bill?''
MG: ``I don't know. Can you talk to him, and get him out of here?''
SG: ``Yeah...''
Security guard walks over to me and says
SG: ``Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you're trying to use.''
ME: ``Uh, no.''
SG: ``Lemme see 'em.''
ME: ``Why?''
SG: ``Do you want me to get the cops in here?''
At this point I was ready to say, ``SURE, PLEASE,'' but I wanted to eat, so I said
ME: ``I'm just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this $2 bill.''
I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I was taking a swing at him. He takes the bill, turns it over a few times in his hands, and says
SG: ``Mike, what's wrong with this bill?''
MG: ``It's fake.''
SG: ``It doesn't look fake to me.''
MG: ``But it's a $2 bill.''
SG: ``Yeah?''
MG: ``Well, there's no such thing, is there?''
The security guard and I both looked at him like he was an idiot, and it dawned on the guy that he had no clue.
My burrito was free and he threw in a small drink and those cinnamon things, too. Makes me want to get a whole stack of $2 bills just to see what happens when I try to buy stuff. If I got the right group of people, I could probably end up in jail. At least I'd get free food.
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
Jenga Drinking Game
I had a surprise Birthday party Friday night. We sat around and drank huge amounts of alcohol and played drinking games. We played some of the basics; quarters, three man, kings, etc.
One of my buddies found Jenga at the house. He enlightened us to a wonderful drinking game. It was an instant hit. Some of you may have encountered this before, others prepare to be enlightened. I think everyone fell in love with this game. We asked the name of the game and he had no idea. So we just call it "Drinking Jenga."
It starts with a regular old wooden Jenga set, same old boring pull-and-stack action. Take a marker, and on the underside of each piece write a drinking rule, the kind of stuff you'd find in Kings or Circle of Death or whatever your particular group of friends calls the game. "Drink two," "Guys drink," "Make a rule," "Person to right drinks three," etc.
From there it's pretty self-explanatory: pull a Jenga piece, execute the rule, place it back on top, move to the next person. Whoever knocks over the tower has to perform some kind of drinking feat, whether it's shotgunning a beer, doing a nasty shot - be creative.
It's a nice change from the same old dice and card games, and as you can imagine, the pulling/stacking action gets a little more interesting as the drinks start flowing. My favorite rule so far, which I will definitely be adding to my list of Kings/Jenga/etc. rules, is the "five-minute power hour." For the uninformed, during a power hour the participants drink a shot of beer every minute for an hour - the five minute version being, well, is five minutes long.
ENJOY!!!!
One of my buddies found Jenga at the house. He enlightened us to a wonderful drinking game. It was an instant hit. Some of you may have encountered this before, others prepare to be enlightened. I think everyone fell in love with this game. We asked the name of the game and he had no idea. So we just call it "Drinking Jenga."
It starts with a regular old wooden Jenga set, same old boring pull-and-stack action. Take a marker, and on the underside of each piece write a drinking rule, the kind of stuff you'd find in Kings or Circle of Death or whatever your particular group of friends calls the game. "Drink two," "Guys drink," "Make a rule," "Person to right drinks three," etc.
From there it's pretty self-explanatory: pull a Jenga piece, execute the rule, place it back on top, move to the next person. Whoever knocks over the tower has to perform some kind of drinking feat, whether it's shotgunning a beer, doing a nasty shot - be creative.
It's a nice change from the same old dice and card games, and as you can imagine, the pulling/stacking action gets a little more interesting as the drinks start flowing. My favorite rule so far, which I will definitely be adding to my list of Kings/Jenga/etc. rules, is the "five-minute power hour." For the uninformed, during a power hour the participants drink a shot of beer every minute for an hour - the five minute version being, well, is five minutes long.
ENJOY!!!!
Tuesday, August 8, 2006
10 Things that Piss Me Off
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the fu*k is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?
2. The Pillsbury doughboy is way too happy considering he has no dick.
3. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
4. When people say, ''Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too. ''Fu*k off. What good is a goddamn cake you can't eat? What, should I eat someone else's cake instead?
5. When people say, ''It's always in the last place you look.'' Of course it is. Why the Fu*k would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?
6. When people say, while watching a movie, ''Did you see that?'' No dickhead, I paid $7.50 to come to the theatre and stare at the ceiling?
7. I still get pissed off by that 90's radio ad: ''Hi, I'm Jeff Healey from the Jeff Healey Band. Don't drink and drive. I don't.'' Well, I hope you don't drive sober either Mr. Healey. You're blind for God's sake
8. People who ask, ''Can I ask you a question?'' Didn't really give me a choice, didja there buddy?
9. When something is ''new and improved.'' Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.
10. When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going? You should know asshole, you fu*king pulled me over.
2. The Pillsbury doughboy is way too happy considering he has no dick.
3. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
4. When people say, ''Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too. ''Fu*k off. What good is a goddamn cake you can't eat? What, should I eat someone else's cake instead?
5. When people say, ''It's always in the last place you look.'' Of course it is. Why the Fu*k would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?
6. When people say, while watching a movie, ''Did you see that?'' No dickhead, I paid $7.50 to come to the theatre and stare at the ceiling?
7. I still get pissed off by that 90's radio ad: ''Hi, I'm Jeff Healey from the Jeff Healey Band. Don't drink and drive. I don't.'' Well, I hope you don't drive sober either Mr. Healey. You're blind for God's sake
8. People who ask, ''Can I ask you a question?'' Didn't really give me a choice, didja there buddy?
9. When something is ''new and improved.'' Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.
10. When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going? You should know asshole, you fu*king pulled me over.
Sunday, August 6, 2006
Hot Girls and Dorky Guys
Is it just me, or is the dorky-guys-with-cute-chicks ratio officially off the charts? It started out in the imaginary world of TV, where balding, beer-bellied dolts like Jim Belushi, the King of Queens guy, and some guy from some other show could land aging but still quite hot women like Courtney Thorne-Smith, Leah Remini (Although she has gained a little weight, she is still cute) and Jami Gertz. Now it seems to have spilled out into real life, where I am constantly amazed at how many dorks and near-gimps have hooked up with women who wouldn't give them the time of day in high school.
Last week, I saw one of the hottest girls that I went to high school with. She was a cheerleader, smart, witty, athletic, and damn good lookin. She was with her husband. DAMN!!! He was the dorkiest guy I had ever seen. I mean he was a pure nerd. Skinny, glasses, curly hair. I swear he was Napoleon Dynamites older, darker haired brother!!!!! I would have expected her to marry a pro football player, or a handsome doctor, or something like that. This guy didnt even have a mega high profile job. He was a frickin school teacher, just like me!!!!! Unbelievable!!!!!!
I guess everyone has a chance.
Last week, I saw one of the hottest girls that I went to high school with. She was a cheerleader, smart, witty, athletic, and damn good lookin. She was with her husband. DAMN!!! He was the dorkiest guy I had ever seen. I mean he was a pure nerd. Skinny, glasses, curly hair. I swear he was Napoleon Dynamites older, darker haired brother!!!!! I would have expected her to marry a pro football player, or a handsome doctor, or something like that. This guy didnt even have a mega high profile job. He was a frickin school teacher, just like me!!!!! Unbelievable!!!!!!
I guess everyone has a chance.
Tuesday, August 1, 2006
Jessica Simpson -- Saggy Boobs!!!
UNBELIEVABLE!!! I got this pic from a friend. IT is legit.
That is so disappointing. I guess I always thought she would have some nice boobs to go along with her awesome ass and legs!! Oh Well!! I hope Nick was an ass man like me. Or maybe that is why they got divorced.
That is so disappointing. I guess I always thought she would have some nice boobs to go along with her awesome ass and legs!! Oh Well!! I hope Nick was an ass man like me. Or maybe that is why they got divorced.
Monday, July 31, 2006
A possible Crazy Friday night heads South in a hurry
So last Friday, it's one of the teachers birthdays at school. We are all teaching summer school and, against my better judgment, I head out after work with a couple folks for a quick celebratory beverage. When I get there, I notice that I'm the only guy. In the dark recesses of my mind, this is the sort of scenario I dream about. No cock-blocking. No flexing and pluming. Just me and a buncha hotties throwing back booze. One drink in, and I'm already envisioning the bit where one of them slips me a roofie and I wake up in some Des Moines apartment, tied to the floor while the women take turns straddling my mouth.
But in real time, one of them starts talking up her love life. And, before long, they're all on to the subject of blow jobs. And what should be an exercise in unstoppable awesomeness actually turns rather uncomfortable. Once or twice, they ask for my opinion... [mostly stuff like, "Where do you guys get that idea? From porno?"] I spend the next half hour blushing, nodding or shaking my head like a trained seal, shifting nervously in my seat, and wondering if the couple one booth over can hear any of this.
I end up leaving after only an hour. Sure, I could have stayed, gotten drunk and gone on a rant and rave about Blow Jobs, but it just wasnt worth it. These ladies seemed to be a little too anti-guys that night. I also have to work with them and will see them 5 days a week. I didnt want to piss anyone off. When I left, they were saying how all guys are jerks, we only think of sex, etc. Now this is true, for the most part, but I just didnt have it in me to argue. (You wont hear me say that often)
You ladies do this sorta stuff on purpose, don't you?
But in real time, one of them starts talking up her love life. And, before long, they're all on to the subject of blow jobs. And what should be an exercise in unstoppable awesomeness actually turns rather uncomfortable. Once or twice, they ask for my opinion... [mostly stuff like, "Where do you guys get that idea? From porno?"] I spend the next half hour blushing, nodding or shaking my head like a trained seal, shifting nervously in my seat, and wondering if the couple one booth over can hear any of this.
I end up leaving after only an hour. Sure, I could have stayed, gotten drunk and gone on a rant and rave about Blow Jobs, but it just wasnt worth it. These ladies seemed to be a little too anti-guys that night. I also have to work with them and will see them 5 days a week. I didnt want to piss anyone off. When I left, they were saying how all guys are jerks, we only think of sex, etc. Now this is true, for the most part, but I just didnt have it in me to argue. (You wont hear me say that often)
You ladies do this sorta stuff on purpose, don't you?
Friday, July 28, 2006
Alcohol Quotes
Here are some famous quotes concerning one of my favorite topics: DRINKING
Sometimes I reflect back on all the beer I have consumed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
- by Jack Handy
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
- Frank Sinatra
The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober.
- William Butler Yeats
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools
- Ernest Hemingway
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
- Ernest Hemingway
Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
- Catherine Zandonella
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol.
- Anonymous
Drinking provides a beautiful excuse to pursue the one activity that truly gives me pleasure, hooking up with fat, hairy girls.
- Ross Levy
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
- W.C. Fields
What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
- Tee Mans
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
- Henny Youngman
Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life.
- Michelle Mastrolacasa
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.
- Tom Waits
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
- Stephen Wright
When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!
- Brian O'Rourke
You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.
- Frank Zappa
Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
- Winston Churchill
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
- Benjamin Franklin
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
- Jack Handy
Sometimes I reflect back on all the beer I have consumed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
- by Jack Handy
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
- Frank Sinatra
The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober.
- William Butler Yeats
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools
- Ernest Hemingway
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
- Ernest Hemingway
Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
- Catherine Zandonella
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol.
- Anonymous
Drinking provides a beautiful excuse to pursue the one activity that truly gives me pleasure, hooking up with fat, hairy girls.
- Ross Levy
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
- W.C. Fields
What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
- Tee Mans
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
- Henny Youngman
Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life.
- Michelle Mastrolacasa
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.
- Tom Waits
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
- Stephen Wright
When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!
- Brian O'Rourke
You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.
- Frank Zappa
Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
- Winston Churchill
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
- Benjamin Franklin
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
- Jack Handy
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
Public Hand-Ass Affection (Please Make it Stop!!)
So the other day I'm strolling through Jordan Creek Mall when I get stuck behind this couple in their mid-40s. All is good except for two things: They're walking so slowly, they're practically standing still (and, as you all know, I am an on-the-go type of guy). Also, the guy has his hand secured snugly inside the back pocket of the woman's jeans.
Ass man that I am (see some of my previous posts), I have never understood the allure of the "let me walk around with my hand in the back pocket of my girl's jeans" maneuver. First of all, it's not comfortable. I love ass, but I also love comfort. And when I'm walking through a picturesque park, a windswept alley, or Jordan Creek Mall, it's all about comfort. If the hands are inserted into said pocket quickly, say during a spontaneous kiss or while pausing to whisper some sweet and sexy little smalltalk such as "You rock" or "Let's go dress up as pirates and fuck each other retarded," then I can understand... my hands are roaming your backside and sliding them into your pockets is acceptable, as long as it is only for a moment. But to walk for any great distance with a hand in someone's back pocket? Unacceptable.
As fate would have it, a few hours later at Valley West Mall, I see an even greater offense: A hookerish-chick in her early 20s walking with some thick-necked lug in a Gold's Gym sweatshirt who's simply gripping her ass as they amble along. No back pockets, hell not even a beltloop to slide a couple fingers through; just his beefy mitt on her rather bitchin' ass. I'm watching this madness asking myself, "What's the message here?" Is he that enamored of her backside that he has to get his feel on 24/7? Or, more likely, is it a not-so-subtle message to all us pencil-necks: "When I'm not pounding iron or quaffing protein shakes, I'm tapping THIS SPECTACULAR ASS! And YOU'RE NOT!"
Please people, let us use some common sense and relax on the public ass-grabbing. Besides, when a guy has his hand on some girls ass, that blocks my view!!!! Totally unfair!!!
Friday, July 21, 2006
A Possible Crazy Friday Night Heads South in a Hurry
So last Friday, it's one of the teachers birthdays at school. We are all teaching summer school and, against my better judgment, I head out after work with a couple folks for a quick celebratory beverage. When I get there, I notice that I'm the only guy. In the dark recesses of my mind, this is the sort of scenario I dream about. No cock-blocking. No flexing and pluming. Just me and a buncha hotties throwing back booze. One drink in, and I'm already envisioning the bit where one of them slips me a roofie and I wake up in some Des Moines apartment, tied to the floor while the women take turns straddling my mouth.
But in real time, one of them starts talking up her love life. And, before long, they're all on to the subject of blow jobs. And what should be an exercise in unstoppable awesomeness actually turns rather uncomfortable. Once or twice, they ask for my opinion... [mostly stuff like, "Where do you guys get that idea? From porno?"] I spend the next half hour blushing, nodding or shaking my head like a trained seal, shifting nervously in my seat, and wondering if the couple one booth over can hear any of this.
I end up leaving after only an hour. Sure, I could have stayed, gotten drunk and gone on a rant and rave about Blow Jobs, but it just wasnt worth it. These ladies seemed to be a little too anti-guys that night. I also have to work with them and will see them 5 days a week. I didnt want to piss anyone off. When I left, they were saying how all guys are jerks, we only think of sex, etc. Now this is true, for the most part, but I just didnt have it in me to argue. (You wont hear me say that often)
You ladies do this sorta stuff on purpose, don't you?
But in real time, one of them starts talking up her love life. And, before long, they're all on to the subject of blow jobs. And what should be an exercise in unstoppable awesomeness actually turns rather uncomfortable. Once or twice, they ask for my opinion... [mostly stuff like, "Where do you guys get that idea? From porno?"] I spend the next half hour blushing, nodding or shaking my head like a trained seal, shifting nervously in my seat, and wondering if the couple one booth over can hear any of this.
I end up leaving after only an hour. Sure, I could have stayed, gotten drunk and gone on a rant and rave about Blow Jobs, but it just wasnt worth it. These ladies seemed to be a little too anti-guys that night. I also have to work with them and will see them 5 days a week. I didnt want to piss anyone off. When I left, they were saying how all guys are jerks, we only think of sex, etc. Now this is true, for the most part, but I just didnt have it in me to argue. (You wont hear me say that often)
You ladies do this sorta stuff on purpose, don't you?
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
My Kind of Movie Poster
Now, see, here's a summer movie poster I can get behind. No pirates. No guys with capes. No meteors hurtling to Earth at breakneck speed. Just Rosario Dawson's ass. As many now know, I am an assman!!!! Any movie poster that has a sexy ass as it's focal point is alright by me. I am not the biggest Rosario Dawson fan, but her backside looks pretty good in the poster.
This poster sells the movie just fine for me. What more do you need? The fact that there might be 90 minutes of dialogue and action built around said ass is only the frosting on the cake as far as I'm concerned. When I'm selecting a film to see on any given weekend, all that really goes through my mind is, "Exactly how much Rosario Dawson ass will this film contain?" For the most part it sounds like I will be disappointed. Reviews I have heard do not say there is alot of nudity and Rosario Dawson's ass is not the centerpiece of the movie. But with this poster, Kevin Smith is targeting my demographic. And for that, he gets my eight bucks and fifty cents.
Slippening Bowels
Here is my submission for a Drunk on a Sunday. I'm kind of proud of this story because it almost landed me in jail and I am ashamed for the same reason.
One Sunday, in March (1996), I decided to go on a BarCrawl. I think everyone has done one of these, or at least heard about them. It's when you get a bunch of people together, get a map of every bar in town, pick a starting point and try to have a beer at every bar. I did this once in Washington DC and I think that I made it to 18 bars. Like I said, "I think" because I really don't remember the last 4-5 but I had them checked off on my map This time though, I went on a bar crawl by myself. I thought that it would be a great way to check out the bars of downtown Denver. I was there visiting my buddy from College. Paul was a doctor working at one of the hospitals in Denver. He had just called and said he was going to be at work all night and probably most of Monday and I should make myself at home and chill. I kind of felt like sampling the local culture and decided to head out.
I started at Old Chicago. I know, it's a franchise place that I detest, but
it was a bar crawl and I had to start somewhere. No one was in the place so I chatted with the bartender. I bought the first beer, then he asked me if I wanted to
play that game where you have to pull wooden blocks from the stack without knocking the stack over. The name of the game slips me right now, but the deal was, if the bartender lost, he would buy me and this guy sitting next to me the next round. I don't remember what I would have had to do if I lost because it didn't happen. I stayed there for 3 beers before I realized that I was on a crawl and had to get moving. I asked the bartender where the next closest bar was. He said "next door." Off I went.
The bar next door was an Irish bar called N'awlins. There were 5 people in the joint. It was around 2:30 in the afternoon. I don't know what you drink in Irish bars, but I drink Guinness. Guinness is the good stuff, too. I think at this point things began to get sketchy, and this was only the second bar.
I'm straining my brain right now but I know that I then walked to this bar next to Coors field. This time I had a brew in some sports bar. This place was huge and totally empty. I had my own personal bartender who seemed happy just to have somebody to talk to. I bought one brew and he gave me the second at no charge. At this point I had had 6 pints, one Guinness. I was definitely feeling fine.
I left that place and walked to this place called Dicks. They have them in Chicago. It's a place where the employees are purposefully rude, thus the name "Dicks." It's their niche I guess. My bartender was a woman who didn't seem to be all that rude but she did come off as a bitch. She seemed like she was having such an unhappy time working that she brought me down, and I was drinking!!!!! I drank two more beers and cruised. I know that you are only supposed to drink one beer at a bar but what can I say? I was drunk and my feet were starting to get blisters from all the walking.
After this bar I walked about 4 blocks to Herbs. Voss and LL know what Herbs is all about. It's a bar that is totally painted blue inside, but tastefully done. There isn't a single TV in the place. The two bartenders are absolutely gorgeous. At this point I knew that I had $20 in my pocket and I had to save something for a cab ride home. I ordered a Stoli martini with a lemon twist.
This was a huge mistake.
The owner of the bar was there, I've rapped with him before as he was the neighbor of Paul. I told him and Mallory (hot bartender and don't use the "where's skippy" joke on her, she's heard it) all about my exploits and how drunk I was. All I remember is that I drank that martini and became really drunk. Also, I didn't eat anything all day either. So I'm sitting on this barstool drunk as hell, got people sitting around me that I'm rapping with and this very urgent need to fart come over me like nothing that's ever hit me before. I was in so much pain that I had to release it immediately. As drunk as I was, there was no way that I would have made it to the bathroom without falling down.
So I sat on the barstool and farted one. It was quiet. I hoped that nobody noticed. But as I sat there, I realized that it wasn't just gas that I released. At first I thought that it was just a little poo-poo, nothing to worry about, that shit has happened to me before. But this time I could tell that I dropped a load. I guess the greasy Chili from the night before was coming back to haunt me. I played it off, hoping that nobody noticed, but then this terrible smell overtook me. There was no way that everybody in the place was not going to notice. I knew I had to get out of there fast so I threw down my last $20 and bolted out the door. I didn't have time to wait for change.
Now please understand, in Denver, the days of March are normally very sunny and warm, but at night, after the sun drops behind the mountains, it gets pretty damn cold. It's definitely over a mile to Paul's place but less than two, so I took off on foot. I made it about 6 blocks before I decided that I had to get a cab because it was just too damn cold. I flagged one down and hopped in. I was thinking about the crap in my pants and totally forgot that I spent all of my money. Honesty is a principle in my life so I explained the situation to the cabby (that I was out of money, not that I had shit in my pants) and he agreed to take me to an ATM by my house.
I walked into this 7-11 and tried to use my bankcard in the ATM. I was really drunk and I could not get it to work at all. I had no idea what I was doing. I walked out to the cabby and told him that I didn't have any money. At this point two police officers who were also at the 7-11 surrounded me. They asked me for my id and asked what the problem was. I tried to explain but got nowhere. All that's going through my head is that I have crapped my pants and am going to jail over a $5.00 cab fare and why in the hell did I go on a bar crawl by myself in the first place??? I told the officers that I would try again on the bank machine. I probably could have run at this point but they had my ID so it would not have mattered. I went back into 7-11, back to the machine and gave it one last try. It took every bit of concentration that I had to remember my code and read the screen. Karma came back and took care of me because somehow I was able to get out $20.
I walked out and paid the cabby, even gave him a ten for his trouble. The cops told me to head straight home, not a problem when you have a load of crap in your drawers.
One Sunday, in March (1996), I decided to go on a BarCrawl. I think everyone has done one of these, or at least heard about them. It's when you get a bunch of people together, get a map of every bar in town, pick a starting point and try to have a beer at every bar. I did this once in Washington DC and I think that I made it to 18 bars. Like I said, "I think" because I really don't remember the last 4-5 but I had them checked off on my map This time though, I went on a bar crawl by myself. I thought that it would be a great way to check out the bars of downtown Denver. I was there visiting my buddy from College. Paul was a doctor working at one of the hospitals in Denver. He had just called and said he was going to be at work all night and probably most of Monday and I should make myself at home and chill. I kind of felt like sampling the local culture and decided to head out.
I started at Old Chicago. I know, it's a franchise place that I detest, but
it was a bar crawl and I had to start somewhere. No one was in the place so I chatted with the bartender. I bought the first beer, then he asked me if I wanted to
play that game where you have to pull wooden blocks from the stack without knocking the stack over. The name of the game slips me right now, but the deal was, if the bartender lost, he would buy me and this guy sitting next to me the next round. I don't remember what I would have had to do if I lost because it didn't happen. I stayed there for 3 beers before I realized that I was on a crawl and had to get moving. I asked the bartender where the next closest bar was. He said "next door." Off I went.
The bar next door was an Irish bar called N'awlins. There were 5 people in the joint. It was around 2:30 in the afternoon. I don't know what you drink in Irish bars, but I drink Guinness. Guinness is the good stuff, too. I think at this point things began to get sketchy, and this was only the second bar.
I'm straining my brain right now but I know that I then walked to this bar next to Coors field. This time I had a brew in some sports bar. This place was huge and totally empty. I had my own personal bartender who seemed happy just to have somebody to talk to. I bought one brew and he gave me the second at no charge. At this point I had had 6 pints, one Guinness. I was definitely feeling fine.
I left that place and walked to this place called Dicks. They have them in Chicago. It's a place where the employees are purposefully rude, thus the name "Dicks." It's their niche I guess. My bartender was a woman who didn't seem to be all that rude but she did come off as a bitch. She seemed like she was having such an unhappy time working that she brought me down, and I was drinking!!!!! I drank two more beers and cruised. I know that you are only supposed to drink one beer at a bar but what can I say? I was drunk and my feet were starting to get blisters from all the walking.
After this bar I walked about 4 blocks to Herbs. Voss and LL know what Herbs is all about. It's a bar that is totally painted blue inside, but tastefully done. There isn't a single TV in the place. The two bartenders are absolutely gorgeous. At this point I knew that I had $20 in my pocket and I had to save something for a cab ride home. I ordered a Stoli martini with a lemon twist.
This was a huge mistake.
The owner of the bar was there, I've rapped with him before as he was the neighbor of Paul. I told him and Mallory (hot bartender and don't use the "where's skippy" joke on her, she's heard it) all about my exploits and how drunk I was. All I remember is that I drank that martini and became really drunk. Also, I didn't eat anything all day either. So I'm sitting on this barstool drunk as hell, got people sitting around me that I'm rapping with and this very urgent need to fart come over me like nothing that's ever hit me before. I was in so much pain that I had to release it immediately. As drunk as I was, there was no way that I would have made it to the bathroom without falling down.
So I sat on the barstool and farted one. It was quiet. I hoped that nobody noticed. But as I sat there, I realized that it wasn't just gas that I released. At first I thought that it was just a little poo-poo, nothing to worry about, that shit has happened to me before. But this time I could tell that I dropped a load. I guess the greasy Chili from the night before was coming back to haunt me. I played it off, hoping that nobody noticed, but then this terrible smell overtook me. There was no way that everybody in the place was not going to notice. I knew I had to get out of there fast so I threw down my last $20 and bolted out the door. I didn't have time to wait for change.
Now please understand, in Denver, the days of March are normally very sunny and warm, but at night, after the sun drops behind the mountains, it gets pretty damn cold. It's definitely over a mile to Paul's place but less than two, so I took off on foot. I made it about 6 blocks before I decided that I had to get a cab because it was just too damn cold. I flagged one down and hopped in. I was thinking about the crap in my pants and totally forgot that I spent all of my money. Honesty is a principle in my life so I explained the situation to the cabby (that I was out of money, not that I had shit in my pants) and he agreed to take me to an ATM by my house.
I walked into this 7-11 and tried to use my bankcard in the ATM. I was really drunk and I could not get it to work at all. I had no idea what I was doing. I walked out to the cabby and told him that I didn't have any money. At this point two police officers who were also at the 7-11 surrounded me. They asked me for my id and asked what the problem was. I tried to explain but got nowhere. All that's going through my head is that I have crapped my pants and am going to jail over a $5.00 cab fare and why in the hell did I go on a bar crawl by myself in the first place??? I told the officers that I would try again on the bank machine. I probably could have run at this point but they had my ID so it would not have mattered. I went back into 7-11, back to the machine and gave it one last try. It took every bit of concentration that I had to remember my code and read the screen. Karma came back and took care of me because somehow I was able to get out $20.
I walked out and paid the cabby, even gave him a ten for his trouble. The cops told me to head straight home, not a problem when you have a load of crap in your drawers.
Friday, July 7, 2006
BJ in the Car
This is a reprint of my 4th of July post from MySpace:
What a 4th of July!!!! The little woman and I were drinking most of the day. We went to visit some friends up in Ames and went to a parade, then the drinking began. I took it fairly easy, since we were driving back to DM later in the afternoon to catch the fireworks there. On the way back home, my better half starts getting a little horny. She starts grabbing my crotch and next thing I know, she has the pants unzipped and starts going to work!!! She had never given me a BJ while in the car (At least not while it was moving). What a surprise!!!!
The blowjob in the car is one of those things that is awesome simply in and of itself. The car blowjob is intensified by the fact that it adds an element of danger to the proceedings. As the driver of the car, I know I have to keep my focus on the road. There are big-ass trucks and crazy seventeen year old girls trying to simultaneously dial their cell phones and steer their daddy's BMW's and Jeep Cherokees across four lanes of interstate. But as the recipient of the blowjob, I also know that the lifeblood which is so necessary to keeping my brainwaves nice and snappy is being filtered away to my lower extremities, giving me that slightly dizzy, slightly buzzed, holy-shit-I'm-getting-a-beaner-in-the-car feeling that truly dulls the reaction times. So there's that struggle going on. Also, if it's a particularly long drive, and said blowjob is helpful in keeping me from slipping off into a narcoleptic coma on interstate 35, then I certainly want to prolong the sensation and delay the spurt for as long as possible (one time, my girlfriend gave me a BJ that lasted for about 45 miles). Further, everytime I pass an SUV or 16 wheeler, I try to speed up, lest fellow drivers alongside me start snapping cell phone pics.
Worst of all, as a guy who just hasn't mastered the art of post-orgasm smalltalk, I find myself in a precarious situation once the BJ has officially ended and I realize I've still got 45 miles to Des Moines. After she obliged me the other day, I simply nodded, smiled, said, "DAMN!!." and "WOW!!!" I mean, what can you say. It isn't like we can cuddle and do all that lovey dovey talk. In the past, I just mess with the radio for awhile. I was lucky this last time as I had her favorite CD in the car. I just popped it in and she was singing right along.
What a 4th of July!!!! The little woman and I were drinking most of the day. We went to visit some friends up in Ames and went to a parade, then the drinking began. I took it fairly easy, since we were driving back to DM later in the afternoon to catch the fireworks there. On the way back home, my better half starts getting a little horny. She starts grabbing my crotch and next thing I know, she has the pants unzipped and starts going to work!!! She had never given me a BJ while in the car (At least not while it was moving). What a surprise!!!!
The blowjob in the car is one of those things that is awesome simply in and of itself. The car blowjob is intensified by the fact that it adds an element of danger to the proceedings. As the driver of the car, I know I have to keep my focus on the road. There are big-ass trucks and crazy seventeen year old girls trying to simultaneously dial their cell phones and steer their daddy's BMW's and Jeep Cherokees across four lanes of interstate. But as the recipient of the blowjob, I also know that the lifeblood which is so necessary to keeping my brainwaves nice and snappy is being filtered away to my lower extremities, giving me that slightly dizzy, slightly buzzed, holy-shit-I'm-getting-a-beaner-in-the-car feeling that truly dulls the reaction times. So there's that struggle going on. Also, if it's a particularly long drive, and said blowjob is helpful in keeping me from slipping off into a narcoleptic coma on interstate 35, then I certainly want to prolong the sensation and delay the spurt for as long as possible (one time, my girlfriend gave me a BJ that lasted for about 45 miles). Further, everytime I pass an SUV or 16 wheeler, I try to speed up, lest fellow drivers alongside me start snapping cell phone pics.
Worst of all, as a guy who just hasn't mastered the art of post-orgasm smalltalk, I find myself in a precarious situation once the BJ has officially ended and I realize I've still got 45 miles to Des Moines. After she obliged me the other day, I simply nodded, smiled, said, "DAMN!!." and "WOW!!!" I mean, what can you say. It isn't like we can cuddle and do all that lovey dovey talk. In the past, I just mess with the radio for awhile. I was lucky this last time as I had her favorite CD in the car. I just popped it in and she was singing right along.
Saturday, July 1, 2006
Let the Blogging Begin!!!
Hello!!! I am glad you made it this far!! These blogs will be a mix of past incidents in my life that I would like to share with you and my current feelings, rants, ramblings, etc. I hope you are entertained by them!!!!
Many of these blogs come from my old website that has since shutdown. I also have a myspace page that I will be getting blogs off of. If you want to check out the myspace page and blog, it is at this address: http://www.myspace.com/crazygringosob
Many of these blogs come from my old website that has since shutdown. I also have a myspace page that I will be getting blogs off of. If you want to check out the myspace page and blog, it is at this address: http://www.myspace.com/crazygringosob
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