Today, I had to go to downtown Des Moines. First, I hate going down there right around rush hour. All that damn construction coupled with the partially ice covered roads this morning turned a 15 minute trip into a 45 minute trip.
So I get downtown, and all the garages are full. I am going to 801 Grand building (that super tall one). I end up parking near the Federal Building, about 6 blocks away. This will only add to my tardiness!! At least we have a ton of skywalks. I finally get to the building and go up to meet with some people about a presentation I am to do this afternoon. We sit there and talk a few minutes, they give me some info, then they add “You do know that you are presenting before lunch, right?”
I answer “No, but thanks for telling me!”
So I get out of there and take the elevator down 20 some odd stories to the lobby. I am thinking about this damn presentation and what the Hell I am going to say. I thought I would have all morning and lunch to work on it, but now I am screwed.
Although there was another person on the elevator, I took advantage of the general solitude to consider what I was going to speak about and how I would approach the presentation. Mid-thought, probably around the 15th floor, the over 40 "I am a secretary but want people to think I am an executive" bitch decided she would try to strike up a conversation. I don't remember exactly what she said, but it was some bullshit along the lines of "How's it going?" and "Looks like you are busy". Yeah, I’m frickin busy as Hell, bitch. I just got informed I have a major presentation at 11 AM, a presentation that I was going to do at 2:30 for finals, now shut the hell up.
Of course, I didn’t say this, just thought it. I smiled and nodded my head.
Why is it that random people insist on talking to you when stuck in a one-on-one situation? Just because you can't 'maintain' during an awkward silence doesn't mean the rest of the world needs to be hassled with your bullshit. Some of us take advantage of our alone time by contemplating certain issues in life. Leave me the fuck alone...if I make eye contact with you and smile, then I'll talk to you.
I have a default expression on my face that I use when I think someone is a fucking retard. It's hard to describe, but my wife knows it well since she sees the look just about every time we have to deal with the general public. We now refer to it as "The Look".
Sorry, I just had to vent. I am having a bad day!!!!
Showing posts with label Stupidity. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Stupidity. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 6, 2007
Thursday, January 11, 2007
Why I Lived Alone for So Long
For one semester back in college I was sure I’d be the first man killed by a psychotic sleep walker. I had two roommates, James and Gabe. James was never around. He paid his rent, but his girlfriend had a place of her own paid for by Daddy Big Bucks. Gabe was always fucking there. The Dude had no other place to be. He had a blonde afro the size of Epcot Center, and it was on purpose. He had it permed every couple of months. Even had a mustache like Magnum P.I. But he paid his share of the rent and managed to make the preppy/redneck style look good and that was all I cared about.
I was up flipping channels on the TV at 2:00 one morning when I heard his shower come on. I thought it was odd that he’d get up in the middle of the night to shower, but maybe he’d been spanking the monkey and forgotten to use a sock or tissues to avoid the mess. It happens. He got up at 6:00 and showered again. I asked him why his ass had to use up all the hot water when he’d just showered a few hours before. He said I was full of shit. Why would he get up in the middle of the night to take a shower?
Whatever, bro.
A few weeks later I was up again watching TV when I heard shouting. Gabe’s door flung open so hard it hit the wall and he ran into the living room screaming. “He’s in my bed! He’s in my bed!”
Bullshit. Who in the hell would get into Gabe’s bed? He stood in the corner, whining and shaking his left arm with his right hand. Crazy bastard. I reached around the wall and flipped the light switch without going in, just in case he wasn’t out of his goddamned mind after all, but when I looked in there was nothing but a pile of crumpled sheets.
“Dude, there’s nobody in here.”
“I felt him, I felt him! I touched his arm.”
To this day, I believe that he had fallen asleep on his arm, it went numb, and he touched his own hand thinking it belonged to another man in his bed. By morning, Gabe had no recollection of the entire thing.
The day Gabe brought a 9mm back to the apartment I nearly shit my pants. “What in the – Fuck no! Uh uh, no, bitch. Take that shit out of here.” Gabe was going through his gangsta phase. Listening to NWA, drinking 40’s, and trying to be a gangbanger.
He said he needed it for his protection. He was starting to run with a rough crowd.
“Protection from what? You're the weirdest fucker in the whole complex" I said.
He insisted he needed the gun for his safety. He put it in his nightstand in his bedroom and told me where I could find it if I ever needed it. Yeah, when hell freezes over.
A few days later it was just after midnight when Gabe’s door creaked open. I looked up and saw four fingers, an eye and part of a ‘fro showing through the narrow gap in the doorway. The eyeball started roaming all around the room, not looking at anything in particular, then it and the ‘fro slowly disappeared behind the door, the fingers slipped back inside, and the door closed gently.
I went to my bedroom, locked the door, and didn’t come out until the sun was up. The next morning, Gabe and I had a long talk. I told him it was either him or I. One of us had to go. I knew damn well he couldn’t afford to split the rent two ways. He got on the phone, made a few calls. I went to class and when I got home, he was gone. He had cleared out his clothes, but left all of his other personal shit. CD’s, books, notebooks, his walkman, etc were all still there. I waited weeks for him to come back for the stuff, but I never saw him again. He was gone. Mr. Gabe had a new place to live. I learned that he dropped out of school later that week and no one knew where he went. His parents called to talk to him about 2 weeks after he left. They had no clue that he had moved out. To this day, I am not sure what happened. He could be dead for all I know. Maybe somebody was after him. All I know is that he was a crazy motherfucker!!
After him, I lived alone for about 12 years. Sure, I would have girls spend the night sometimes, maybe even a week or two, but I never really moved in with anyone long-term for a good while. One weird psycho roommate is enough.
I was up flipping channels on the TV at 2:00 one morning when I heard his shower come on. I thought it was odd that he’d get up in the middle of the night to shower, but maybe he’d been spanking the monkey and forgotten to use a sock or tissues to avoid the mess. It happens. He got up at 6:00 and showered again. I asked him why his ass had to use up all the hot water when he’d just showered a few hours before. He said I was full of shit. Why would he get up in the middle of the night to take a shower?
Whatever, bro.
A few weeks later I was up again watching TV when I heard shouting. Gabe’s door flung open so hard it hit the wall and he ran into the living room screaming. “He’s in my bed! He’s in my bed!”
Bullshit. Who in the hell would get into Gabe’s bed? He stood in the corner, whining and shaking his left arm with his right hand. Crazy bastard. I reached around the wall and flipped the light switch without going in, just in case he wasn’t out of his goddamned mind after all, but when I looked in there was nothing but a pile of crumpled sheets.
“Dude, there’s nobody in here.”
“I felt him, I felt him! I touched his arm.”
To this day, I believe that he had fallen asleep on his arm, it went numb, and he touched his own hand thinking it belonged to another man in his bed. By morning, Gabe had no recollection of the entire thing.
The day Gabe brought a 9mm back to the apartment I nearly shit my pants. “What in the – Fuck no! Uh uh, no, bitch. Take that shit out of here.” Gabe was going through his gangsta phase. Listening to NWA, drinking 40’s, and trying to be a gangbanger.
He said he needed it for his protection. He was starting to run with a rough crowd.
“Protection from what? You're the weirdest fucker in the whole complex" I said.
He insisted he needed the gun for his safety. He put it in his nightstand in his bedroom and told me where I could find it if I ever needed it. Yeah, when hell freezes over.
A few days later it was just after midnight when Gabe’s door creaked open. I looked up and saw four fingers, an eye and part of a ‘fro showing through the narrow gap in the doorway. The eyeball started roaming all around the room, not looking at anything in particular, then it and the ‘fro slowly disappeared behind the door, the fingers slipped back inside, and the door closed gently.
I went to my bedroom, locked the door, and didn’t come out until the sun was up. The next morning, Gabe and I had a long talk. I told him it was either him or I. One of us had to go. I knew damn well he couldn’t afford to split the rent two ways. He got on the phone, made a few calls. I went to class and when I got home, he was gone. He had cleared out his clothes, but left all of his other personal shit. CD’s, books, notebooks, his walkman, etc were all still there. I waited weeks for him to come back for the stuff, but I never saw him again. He was gone. Mr. Gabe had a new place to live. I learned that he dropped out of school later that week and no one knew where he went. His parents called to talk to him about 2 weeks after he left. They had no clue that he had moved out. To this day, I am not sure what happened. He could be dead for all I know. Maybe somebody was after him. All I know is that he was a crazy motherfucker!!
After him, I lived alone for about 12 years. Sure, I would have girls spend the night sometimes, maybe even a week or two, but I never really moved in with anyone long-term for a good while. One weird psycho roommate is enough.
Friday, December 29, 2006
My Idiot Cousin
I have this cousin, nice guy, but sometimes he is a little stupid. Anyway, he came to visit us this weekend and we all went out. Last night we all were partying and got pretty messed up. He actually separates from us and goes with this girl. I heard him come home at about 4 AM. This morning, he comes out to eat breakfast and his hand is all orange. I ask what the fuck is the matter and the rest are his words:
"Well I'm not going to say what I did but It was some good stuff. This girl and I were messing around, but then her freakin parents come home. They had been to a wedding reception and she thought they were already home and in bed. So we had to stop and I snuck out. What we were doing, It made me extremely horny, and I had to ...well you know. There wasnt any getting around it, I HAD TOO! I race to your house and I can't stand it. So i went into the bathroom and grabbed some lotion, ran back into the guest bedroom. Everything was all good, and when all was said and done I took a shower went to sleep. Well I wake up today, and go to the bathroom. I look down at my hand, and the whole thing is bright orange! My fingernails and everything! So I go to the bathroom and look at the lotion and it was freakin self tanner! So now two parts of my body are bright, bright, bright orange!!!!! I tried to scrub it off but I can't. I guess that I just have ta let it wear off. I am so embarrased! And I have to go home to my parents in a couple hours. I have no clue what I am going to tell them."
Just to clarify the only reason i'm telling everyone about this is because it was so freaking funny, I was laughing for an hour. He ended up using the tanning lotion that we had. His lower stomach and his dick and balls are orange. It is hilarious. He is 19, but still lives with his parents. I cant wait to see their reaction and hear his excuse!!!
"Well I'm not going to say what I did but It was some good stuff. This girl and I were messing around, but then her freakin parents come home. They had been to a wedding reception and she thought they were already home and in bed. So we had to stop and I snuck out. What we were doing, It made me extremely horny, and I had to ...well you know. There wasnt any getting around it, I HAD TOO! I race to your house and I can't stand it. So i went into the bathroom and grabbed some lotion, ran back into the guest bedroom. Everything was all good, and when all was said and done I took a shower went to sleep. Well I wake up today, and go to the bathroom. I look down at my hand, and the whole thing is bright orange! My fingernails and everything! So I go to the bathroom and look at the lotion and it was freakin self tanner! So now two parts of my body are bright, bright, bright orange!!!!! I tried to scrub it off but I can't. I guess that I just have ta let it wear off. I am so embarrased! And I have to go home to my parents in a couple hours. I have no clue what I am going to tell them."
Just to clarify the only reason i'm telling everyone about this is because it was so freaking funny, I was laughing for an hour. He ended up using the tanning lotion that we had. His lower stomach and his dick and balls are orange. It is hilarious. He is 19, but still lives with his parents. I cant wait to see their reaction and hear his excuse!!!
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
Just Back from LA -- Idiot Drivers
HI!! Sorry I have been out of touch. I had to get away and so we all went to LA for a week. Nice city, great beaches! I had been in LA in January for the Rose Bowl. HOOK EM HORNS!!! But I was only there for 2 days and didnt see much.
I did get pissed off the second day there. I am driving on the freeway and there is alot of traffic, but it is in the right two lanes since they are merging with another freeway. So I am cruising along at about 65 to 70 MPH in the fast lane, when all of a sudden, I come upon a car going 55 max. In the fast lane!!! WTF!!! This is LA!! Everyone knows you go with the flow of traffic. Cops arent going to give you a speeding ticket if everyone is going the same speed.
Then I notice the driver is an idiot. I get up on the car and it is a porsche 911. COME ON!!! If you have that car, you drive it fast and furious. No one was in front of him for at least half a mile. You don't buy a Porsche to go the speed limit.
Then, about 15 minutes later, the same thing happens, but with a Ferrari. One of those testarosas that Sonny drove on Miami Vice!! There is a whole line of cars trying to pass him. Note How absurd that sounds: A line of cars trying to PASS A FERRARI!!!!! WTF Los Angeles. If you cant handle the horses under the hood, buy a minivan!!!!! UNBELIEVABLE!!!!
Anyway, I am back and I will start getting the blog going again. Take care and enjoy!!!
I did get pissed off the second day there. I am driving on the freeway and there is alot of traffic, but it is in the right two lanes since they are merging with another freeway. So I am cruising along at about 65 to 70 MPH in the fast lane, when all of a sudden, I come upon a car going 55 max. In the fast lane!!! WTF!!! This is LA!! Everyone knows you go with the flow of traffic. Cops arent going to give you a speeding ticket if everyone is going the same speed.
Then I notice the driver is an idiot. I get up on the car and it is a porsche 911. COME ON!!! If you have that car, you drive it fast and furious. No one was in front of him for at least half a mile. You don't buy a Porsche to go the speed limit.
Then, about 15 minutes later, the same thing happens, but with a Ferrari. One of those testarosas that Sonny drove on Miami Vice!! There is a whole line of cars trying to pass him. Note How absurd that sounds: A line of cars trying to PASS A FERRARI!!!!! WTF Los Angeles. If you cant handle the horses under the hood, buy a minivan!!!!! UNBELIEVABLE!!!!
Anyway, I am back and I will start getting the blog going again. Take care and enjoy!!!
Saturday, August 19, 2006
Two Dollar Bill
This story happened in Austin, TX. I think it was 1991. Can't believe people already forgot the $2 Bill.
On my way home from the second job I've taken for the extra holiday ca$h I need, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat. In my billfold is a $50 bill and a $2 bill. That is all of the cash I have on my person. I figure that with a $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not have to worry about people getting upset at me.
ME: ``Hi, I'd like one seven layer burrito please, to go.''
IT: ``Is that it?''
ME: ``Yep.''
IT: ``That'll be $1.04, eat here?''
ME: ``No, it's to go.'' [I hate effort duplication.]
At his point I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He looks at it kind of funny and shakes his head.
IT: ``Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right back."
He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within earshot. The following conversation occurs between the two of them.
IT: ``Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?''
MG: ``No. A what?''
IT: ``A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me.''
MG: ``Ask for something else, there's no such thing as a $2 bill.'' [my emp]
IT: ``Yeah, thought so.''
He comes back to me and says
IT: ``We don't take these. Do you have anything else?''
ME: ``Just this fifty. You don't take $2 bills? Why?''
IT: ``I don't know.''
ME: ``See here where it says legal tender?''
IT: ``Yeah.''
ME: ``So, shouldn't you take it?''
IT: ``Well, hang on a sec.''
He goes back to his manager who is watching me like I'm going to shoplift, and
IT: ``He says I have to take it.''
MG: ``Doesn't he have anything else?''
IT: ``Yeah, a fifty. I'll get it and you can open the safe and get change.''
MG: ``I'm not opening the safe with him in here.'' [my emp]
IT: ``What should I do?''
MG: ``Tell him to come back later when he has real money.''
IT: ``I can't tell him that, you tell him.''
MG: ``Just tell him.''
IT: ``No way, this is weird, I'm going in back.''
The manager approaches me and says
MG: ``Sorry, we don't take big bills this time of night.'' [it was 8pm and this particular Taco Bell is in a well lighted indoor mall with 100 other stores.]
ME: ``Well, here's a two.''
MG: ``We don't take those either.''
ME: ``Why not?''
MG: ``I think you know why.''
ME: ``No really, tell me, why?''
MG: ``Please leave before I call mall security.''
ME: ``Excuse me?''
MG: ``Please leave before I call mall security.''
ME: ``What for?''
MG: ``Please, sir.''
ME: ``Uh, go ahead, call them.''
MG: ``Would you please just leave?''
ME: ``No.''
MG: ``Fine, have it your way then.''
ME: ``No, that's Burger King, isn't it?''
At this point he backs away from me and calls mall security on the phone around the corner. I have two people staring at me from the dining area, and I begin laughing out loud, just for effect. A few minutes later this 45 year oldish guy comes in and says [at the other end of counter, in a whisper]
SG: ``Yeah, Mike, what's up?''
MG: ``This guy is trying to give me some [pause] funny money.''
SG: ``Really? What?''
MG: ``Get this, a two dollar bill.''
SG: ``Why would a guy fake a $2 bill?'' [incredulous]
MG: ``I don't know? He's kinda weird. Says the only other thing he has is a fifty.''
SG: ``So, the fifty's fake?''
MG: ``No, the $2 is.''
SG: ``Why would he fake a $2 bill?''
MG: ``I don't know. Can you talk to him, and get him out of here?''
SG: ``Yeah...''
Security guard walks over to me and says
SG: ``Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you're trying to use.''
ME: ``Uh, no.''
SG: ``Lemme see 'em.''
ME: ``Why?''
SG: ``Do you want me to get the cops in here?''
At this point I was ready to say, ``SURE, PLEASE,'' but I wanted to eat, so I said
ME: ``I'm just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this $2 bill.''
I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I was taking a swing at him. He takes the bill, turns it over a few times in his hands, and says
SG: ``Mike, what's wrong with this bill?''
MG: ``It's fake.''
SG: ``It doesn't look fake to me.''
MG: ``But it's a $2 bill.''
SG: ``Yeah?''
MG: ``Well, there's no such thing, is there?''
The security guard and I both looked at him like he was an idiot, and it dawned on the guy that he had no clue.
My burrito was free and he threw in a small drink and those cinnamon things, too. Makes me want to get a whole stack of $2 bills just to see what happens when I try to buy stuff. If I got the right group of people, I could probably end up in jail. At least I'd get free food.
On my way home from the second job I've taken for the extra holiday ca$h I need, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat. In my billfold is a $50 bill and a $2 bill. That is all of the cash I have on my person. I figure that with a $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not have to worry about people getting upset at me.
ME: ``Hi, I'd like one seven layer burrito please, to go.''
IT: ``Is that it?''
ME: ``Yep.''
IT: ``That'll be $1.04, eat here?''
ME: ``No, it's to go.'' [I hate effort duplication.]
At his point I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He looks at it kind of funny and shakes his head.
IT: ``Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right back."
He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within earshot. The following conversation occurs between the two of them.
IT: ``Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?''
MG: ``No. A what?''
IT: ``A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me.''
MG: ``Ask for something else, there's no such thing as a $2 bill.'' [my emp]
IT: ``Yeah, thought so.''
He comes back to me and says
IT: ``We don't take these. Do you have anything else?''
ME: ``Just this fifty. You don't take $2 bills? Why?''
IT: ``I don't know.''
ME: ``See here where it says legal tender?''
IT: ``Yeah.''
ME: ``So, shouldn't you take it?''
IT: ``Well, hang on a sec.''
He goes back to his manager who is watching me like I'm going to shoplift, and
IT: ``He says I have to take it.''
MG: ``Doesn't he have anything else?''
IT: ``Yeah, a fifty. I'll get it and you can open the safe and get change.''
MG: ``I'm not opening the safe with him in here.'' [my emp]
IT: ``What should I do?''
MG: ``Tell him to come back later when he has real money.''
IT: ``I can't tell him that, you tell him.''
MG: ``Just tell him.''
IT: ``No way, this is weird, I'm going in back.''
The manager approaches me and says
MG: ``Sorry, we don't take big bills this time of night.'' [it was 8pm and this particular Taco Bell is in a well lighted indoor mall with 100 other stores.]
ME: ``Well, here's a two.''
MG: ``We don't take those either.''
ME: ``Why not?''
MG: ``I think you know why.''
ME: ``No really, tell me, why?''
MG: ``Please leave before I call mall security.''
ME: ``Excuse me?''
MG: ``Please leave before I call mall security.''
ME: ``What for?''
MG: ``Please, sir.''
ME: ``Uh, go ahead, call them.''
MG: ``Would you please just leave?''
ME: ``No.''
MG: ``Fine, have it your way then.''
ME: ``No, that's Burger King, isn't it?''
At this point he backs away from me and calls mall security on the phone around the corner. I have two people staring at me from the dining area, and I begin laughing out loud, just for effect. A few minutes later this 45 year oldish guy comes in and says [at the other end of counter, in a whisper]
SG: ``Yeah, Mike, what's up?''
MG: ``This guy is trying to give me some [pause] funny money.''
SG: ``Really? What?''
MG: ``Get this, a two dollar bill.''
SG: ``Why would a guy fake a $2 bill?'' [incredulous]
MG: ``I don't know? He's kinda weird. Says the only other thing he has is a fifty.''
SG: ``So, the fifty's fake?''
MG: ``No, the $2 is.''
SG: ``Why would he fake a $2 bill?''
MG: ``I don't know. Can you talk to him, and get him out of here?''
SG: ``Yeah...''
Security guard walks over to me and says
SG: ``Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you're trying to use.''
ME: ``Uh, no.''
SG: ``Lemme see 'em.''
ME: ``Why?''
SG: ``Do you want me to get the cops in here?''
At this point I was ready to say, ``SURE, PLEASE,'' but I wanted to eat, so I said
ME: ``I'm just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this $2 bill.''
I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I was taking a swing at him. He takes the bill, turns it over a few times in his hands, and says
SG: ``Mike, what's wrong with this bill?''
MG: ``It's fake.''
SG: ``It doesn't look fake to me.''
MG: ``But it's a $2 bill.''
SG: ``Yeah?''
MG: ``Well, there's no such thing, is there?''
The security guard and I both looked at him like he was an idiot, and it dawned on the guy that he had no clue.
My burrito was free and he threw in a small drink and those cinnamon things, too. Makes me want to get a whole stack of $2 bills just to see what happens when I try to buy stuff. If I got the right group of people, I could probably end up in jail. At least I'd get free food.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
