MILFS

There is so much going on in the world today. Wars, terrorism, freaks shooting people up, gas prices going towards $3.00 a gallon again. What more can this country face!!!

Well, there is something that needs to be addressed. It has been a perplexing topic for several years now, but it is just entering the mainstrean phase of being a phenomenon. I am talking about the MILF!!! Yes, the MILF!!

I'm a MILF purist. Stifler's Mom from American Pie is the original MILF (see pic above), and remains the standard to which all MILF's will be judged. She.was simultaneously blowzy and sultry, her defining quality was the ability to either squish Finch (her much younger admirer) like an ant, or give him the best sex of his life. There's the tension; there's the art. With a MILF, you just never know.

Since then, tacky pop culture has debased the definition. It seems that any woman with a child has been called a MILF. Angelina Jolie, WTF, has been designated one. Listen up, people! Those kids are adopted. This does not count towards MILFdom. A MILF has had kids through either her vagina or through her abdomen (if a c-section). Angelina Jolie is cheating!!

A man should recognize a MILF immediately upon introduction. Marg Helgenberger is one; Cate Blanchett is not. Sharon Stone is; Gwyneth Paltroon....sorry, Paltrow, is not. The only strict definition I'm prepared to issue is that their children should be under nineteen years old, but then I look at Raquel Welch , and figure that I might be wrong there too.

Back here in the real world, the rise of the MILF is unfathomable. The baby boom has given us a cornucopia of delicious moms, and every man worth a pinch wants some.

MILFs: they don't tell, they don't swell, and they're as grateful as hell.
GOD BLESS THE MILFS!!!!!!!

The Lovely Miss Hilton

I think Paris must have picked up a case of the crabs!!! What a classy lady.

Baby Got Back!!

Looking good!!! Not sure what those white lines are for, but nice butt!! Had to put this pic in of Eva Longoria's backside. Happy Birthday Eva!! If you ever decide to leave that French basketball guy, give me a call.

Sex in the City -- Not what you are thinking!!

I was friends with this hottie a few years ago and she had won a weekend trip to NYC. She invited me along. "Damn!!", I thought, she is finally falling for me!! Why else would she invite me along.

I am not a big NYC fan. It is nice to visit, but I could never live there. Too many people, taxi's, noise, and rude assholes. Don't know why, but everytime I have been there, people tended to be rude to me and the people I travelled with. If we asked for directions, they would look at us like idiots. If we would ask someone for a good Italian Restaurant, they would say "Look in the phone book!!! There are thousands of em here in New York!!!" WHATEVER!!


To make this short, the first two days were pretty cool. We went to the Museum of Art, a Broadway play, partying at clubs, etc. We got drunk!! Messed around a little. I was making progress.

But the last full day was horrible. She wanted to surprise me with a special tour. I am all for surprises and I thought maybe this was the breakthrough. She was planning a romantic day together. Something unforgettable.

We ate a brunch at the Waldorf Astoria hotel. One of the best brunches I have ever had. Then we went to near Times Square to get on a tour bus. I had no clue what the tour was. It was mostly women on the tour, so I thought it couldnt be all that bad.

The tour gets started with a video of scenes from the TV show "Sex in the City"
"WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?" I thought!!

Turns out she had booked a tour to see the sights shown on that stupid TV show. IT was a sex in the city tour!! The whole time we were in NY she had been relating parts of it to the series"this is where Carrie might have been" etc. She was addicted to that show. So here we are on this tour. I am already on the bus and wishing to get off. But it is moving. DAMN!!!

It ended up being a 3 hour tour of some of the sex in the city filming locations. There were several times I almost made a run for it when we had stopped. I decided at one stop to by a 20 oz beer to take on the bus. I figured maybe I could get drunk and at least enjoy it a little.

They tourguide said "You!!! No alcohol on the bus!!"

I countered and tried to rationalize with him "Isn't this whole show about sex, alcohol, and having a good time?"

The tour lady was not amused. I went off the bus and pretended to throw it away, but I managed to sneak it back on and chugged it down before the next stop.
I openly voiced my displeasure at this tour. The tour guide was a loony -she knew her sex in the city stuff.They even had tv monitors in the bus to show cuts of scenes to refresh your memory after she pointed out the actual location. We stopped into the adult shop where Charlotte bought her rabbit and my girl got a sex in the city board game. I didn't even know they had a board game!!!!

We also stopped and had a famous cupcake (The cupcake wasnt that great BTW) and then walked to Carries apartments stoop for photos . The last stop we had was cosmos(not sure if that is right, I am not up on this Sex City lingo!!!!) in Aidan and Steves bar Scout

It was a shitty tour, unless you were a fan of that show. I kept making stupid comments and putting the show down. I thought maybe I could get kicked off the tour and end my misery!! Didnt work. I had to stick it out. OH MY GOD!!! I was so bored and annoyed. My girl didnt even notice. She was so into the tour.

I cannot believe people get this into TV shows. The tourguide said they run one tour each evening during the week and four tours on Sat and Sun. And they almost always sell out.

Anyway, this ruined the last day of the trip. She kept apologizing, saying she thought I watched the show!!!!! I asked her to think of a time I even mentioned that show and she could only think of one (I kept saying that Sara Parker Bitch is an anorexic Whore!!!) and she took that to assume I watch it. I dont think I have even seen one whole show. To me, it seems like a chick TV show.

American Idol: The Judges

I used to hold my hatred for American Idol in the highest regards, but now I do have to admit that I watch the show when they have the auditions, but that is it. Once they go to Hollywood, I tune it out. That being said, I refuse to relinquish my intellectual superiority to the roughly 35 million citizens who share this common thread with me. Let us analyze the American Idol Judges:

1. Randy Jackson: Ya, ya he's a black guy that talks like a white guy talking like a black guy. HAHAHA. Real observant. What people don't know is that he has worked in the music biz for over 20 years, and is responsible for over 1000 gold/platinum albums, as well as over 200 million sales. He has toured and written/produced most of the huge songs performed by Mariah Carey, Whitney Houston, Celine Dion, *NSYNC, Madonna, Elton John, Destiny's Child and countless others. This judge can best be described as a human tuning fork, capable of noticing even the most subtle variances in the entire vocal range of the human voice. He didn't get on this show by accident, he is an amazing musician. Dawg.

2. Paula Abdul: Straight up now tell me do you really wanna hear a candy coated version of the truth? OH OH OH. Paula strikes me as the musical equivalent of Will Rogers, she's never met a singer she didn't like. Excuse me, I should say ADORE. She suffers from a deplorable excess of niceness; she could probably come up with 10 good things to say about Hitler on the spot if you asked her to. In my opinion, she has no business being on the show, there are plenty of other performers who would do it better justice than paula. Not to mention the fact that every week she encourages the audience to verbally assault Simon, while she goes a step further and actually hits him. Many find this to be cute, however if the opposite were the case, the authorities would call it battery. Plus, how much does it cost to get a mole removed? Oh well, opposites attract I suppose.

3. Simon Cowell: This guy really pisses me off. But not for the reason you think. Every week Americans are proven to be the imbeciles that 99 percent of us are by an ENGLISHMAN. That chaps my hide, as well as makes me wonder how exactly it was that we won the Revolutionary War. If Simon had been in charge instead of Lord Cornwallis, you'd probably be sipping tea past your bad teeth right now. As soon as Simon starts to speak, you can almost feel the wave of boos and hisses reminiscent of a 1930's murder mystery coming from the slack-jawed yokels behind him. If these assholes would shut their damn mouths, they would realize that despite the rather mild insults he uses (accompanied by his superior vocabulary), he actually gives suggestions to the morons that will keep them on the show. Simon's resume is equally impressive as Randy's and despite his reputation as an asshole, is most likely a contestant's best bet for not getting eliminated the following week.

Lastly, we have Ryan Seacrest. Seacrest is one of the many people on network television whose mother's medical plans I personally wish had included the option of abortion. Each week he puts forth his fake smile and quippy little banter that includes attacks on Simon's personal life that have neither relevancy nor appropriateness given the context of the venue. In short, Seacrest is that little dorky asshole in high school that always had dreams of not being picked on, and has somehow lucked his way into pseudo-fame yet lacks the talent and charisma necessary to not be hated by the entire world.

Toolbelt Diva -- What's the Big Deal?? (And, A Theory is Born)

So I finally saw that show all the guys have been talking about: Toolbelt Diva (Or something like that). Alot of my friends have been watching that show religiously. It is a great buy show. Put together tools and a hottie, and you are onto something. Look at "Home Improvement". Be honest guys, the reason we watched it was because we could relate to Tim being a bumbling fool when it came to handy work, and Pamela Anderson was in it. Take away one of those two aspects, and the show is dead.
A couple of my friends swear this toolbelt diva girl is "A guys dream come true, a hot chick that is good with tools (And I aint talking about personal tools!!!) I even have a friend that is going to Milwaukee this week and he found out she is going to be at some construction/building show in Madison. He is actually making a special trip over to go to that show and see her. His goal is to get a signed picture of her, and a foto of him and her together. What the Hell!!! He is obssessed!!

Anyway, I finally watched it and I have to say, I am not all that impressed. Sorry, but that girl just doesnt do it for me. She is alright, but not a grade A hottie. Now if it was Shakira, Angelina Jolie, or any number of other hotties hosting the show, I would be loving it.

I can't understand the hype and obssession with this girl. I have a theory (Yes, another one of my theories. Trust me, I will have hundreds more) I think that guys are going crazy for this girl just because she is an OK looking woman that likes tools. Put this girl on a sitcom or on an animal channel show, and guys wont even notice her. She would be just another average looking woman on a show. There are some things that add to the hotness points of a girl. A Thong (See one of my previous blogs, lesbianism or being bi, a girl that loves sports, a girl that doesnt care if you are a lazy bum, and a girl that likes the hardware store, etc. These automatically notch a girl up one or two spaces. A 5 turns into a 6 or 7, an 8 turns into a goddess. That is my theory. I think most guys and girls will agree on that one. Let the debating begin.

Jessica Simpson -- Saggy Boobs!!!

UNBELIEVABLE!!! I got this pic from a friend. IT is legit.


That is so disappointing. I guess I always thought she would have some nice boobs to go along with her awesome ass and legs!! Oh Well!! I hope Nick was an ass man like me. Or maybe that is why they got divorced.

My Kind of Movie Poster

Now, see, here's a summer movie poster I can get behind. No pirates. No guys with capes. No meteors hurtling to Earth at breakneck speed. Just Rosario Dawson's ass. As many now know, I am an assman!!!! Any movie poster that has a sexy ass as it's focal point is alright by me. I am not the biggest Rosario Dawson fan, but her backside looks pretty good in the poster.

This poster sells the movie just fine for me. What more do you need? The fact that there might be 90 minutes of dialogue and action built around said ass is only the frosting on the cake as far as I'm concerned. When I'm selecting a film to see on any given weekend, all that really goes through my mind is, "Exactly how much Rosario Dawson ass will this film contain?" For the most part it sounds like I will be disappointed. Reviews I have heard do not say there is alot of nudity and Rosario Dawson's ass is not the centerpiece of the movie. But with this poster, Kevin Smith is targeting my demographic. And for that, he gets my eight bucks and fifty cents.